


Not Safe For Work

by jbsullivan17



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Accidental Pregnancy, Angst and Porn, Bath Sex, Bath fun, Bellarke, Bubble Bath, Depression, Dom Bellamy, Dom/sub, F/M, Mental Anguish, Mental Instability, NSFW, Other, Sub Clarke, Vacation, bellamy needs therapy, for lack of a better word, history of sexual violence, sensual bath, termination
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-01
Updated: 2018-07-19
Packaged: 2018-11-07 12:33:45
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 23
Words: 66,013
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11059071
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jbsullivan17/pseuds/jbsullivan17
Summary: Clarke has worked at Blake Publishing for just over a year, her boss, Bellamy Blake, has a thing for secretaries, specifically the ones that work directly for him. Octavia didn't know that when she set her college friend, Clarke, up for the job and Clarke bet that she had no idea that her brother liked to take advantage of his position over them.Or, Clarke has worked as Bellamy's secretary for a year and he has a dom/sub kink when it comes to his secretaries.





	1. Phone Sex

_Ring_! Clarke answered the phone and said her usual piece that was memorized by her fifth phone call working at Blake Publishing. It wasn’t the job she intended on having her whole life, just for now while she settled into the city after severing ties with her mother for the last time. She swore it would be the last time, she couldn’t handle her mother belittling her sexuality any longer.

“Describe your panties,” a husky voice said through the phone and Clarke looked around the room to see if anyone was close enough to listen.

“Wet,” she said, knowing it wasn’t exactly what he wanted but it was 12:50 and people would be getting back from their lunch breaks sooner than later.

“Really, baby? I could almost taste it. Soaking through yet?”

“I don’t think so.”

“Reach under your skirt and tell me,” he growled and she felt a shot of estrogen course through her body releasing a wave of heat that pooled out of her core into her red lace panties.

“Soaked through,” she said just loud enough for him to hear over the phone.

“Good girl. Rub yourself for me, baby. Through your panties, not too much pressure, we’re going to ride this out.”

“Yes, sir,” she said in a normal tone while Monty walked by, his head engrossed in the tablet in his hand but she didn’t want to be conspicuous, whispering into the phone.

She did as she was told, hiding under the desk as much as she could.

“How long will they be wet for baby?”

“Until I get home.”

“And why would that change once you’ve gotten home?”

“Are you stroking yourself, sir?”

“Yes,” he said dismissing it. “Answer my question.”

“Because they’d be on the floor of my kitchen. My heels would have been a kicked off in the hall before that. My—my dress, it’ll be a process getting the zipper down but I’ll somehow manage. By the time I make it to the bedroom I’ll just be in my bustier, a strap slipping off my shoulder.”

“What color?”

“Red.”

“Fuck,” he growled on the other end and Clarke didn’t dare to turn around, she knew the consequences and they weren’t pleasant. “What are you going to do in your bedroom?”

“Well, at first I couldn’t wait and I almost considered fucking my fingers while lying on the kitchen island but I knew I’d crave more than my fingers quick enough so I draw out my need more. I get a glass of water and drink it because hydration is important,” she smirked at the reminder of his demand that first night. “Then I climb the stairs finally getting the zipper on my dress down wondering why I picked this specific dress before remembering how amazing my tits look in it. It falls to the floor the moment my feet touch the soft carpet of my bedroom floor. We can work on that fantasy later, sir. Are you still with me?”

“I’m here, baby girl. The bedroom, your bustier.”

“Right,” Clarke smiled, pretending she didn’t remember where she left off, this was her fantasy, right? How could she forget? “I tug at the bow at the end of the bustier, can you see it through my dress sir? I bet you can, you have an eye for my backside too, an ass and boob man, you want it all.”

“ _Clarke_ ,” he growled. He wasn’t in the mood for full blown teasing today so drawn out but not teasing, she can do that.

“The bow comes undone, loosening its hold on my silky curves, alleviating the confines of my tits, they finally feel free after a long day of being hidden away. They want to play, always craving your touch.”

“Fucking magnificent baby.”

“The bustier falls to the floor and I’m completely naked in the middle of my bedroom craving the touch of a man I’m forbidden to have. So I do the one thing I can, I get on the bed and open the drawer of my nightstand peeking at its content contemplating which toy to use.”

“Bullet,” he gasped and Clarke knew he was on the edge. Her fingers pushing slightly harder into her clit through the lace of her panties, she knows he won’t be pleased with her but she needs more pressure than what he was allowing.

“I pick up the little bullet, testing the remote to see if I need to get new batteries for it, it’d be a shame for it to run out of juice before I could get off. Seeming fine I place it on the bed looking for more, I always need more, it’s never enough.”

“Clamps,” he suggested.

“My eyes land on the nipple clamps hidden in the back for special occasions. After a day like today special attention would be perfect so I pull them out and play with the chain that kept them together while I search for one more. What else could I use?”

“Dildo.”

“Which one?”

“Fuck... purple with ridges.”

“I moan at the sight of the purple dildo, the deep ridges always gets me over the edge quickly and I know that’s the only way he and I would be allowed to fuck. Deep, rough and quick, he’s too important and busy to have time to fool around, even with his secretary.”

“Fuck.”

“So I pick up the dildo with its deep ridges and thick shaft. I close the drawer and lie on my bed. My fingers ply my nipples, preparing them for the delicious onslaught of pleasure pain from the clamps but not just yet. My fingers slip down to my clit and I tease myself a slight pressure just like Sir requested during lunch today, lighter even, barely a whisper of a touch. Touch your head for me like that baby, just a few seconds and tell me how it feels.”

There was a choked moan on the other end before he answered, “Like your lips before I push into your mouth.”

“Good, baby. _Sir_ ,” Clarke corrected quickly. It wasn’t a power thing with him, her calling him Sir, she just knows how much her calling him that gets to him. Only Clarke can call him that, with everyone else it’s Mr. Blake, she gets Sir and if he’s feeling generous, Bellamy. She loved calling him Bellamy, always in climax though, never at work or on a call or to her friends, to them he’s Mr. Blake. Always the professional.

“Three,” he stated.

“Yes sir,” I agreed, I knew I fucked up and I knew I get punished for something as careless as a pet name. Three was nothing, three was easy, as though he’s getting soft. I shook the thought out of my head. Bellamy Blake will never be soft when it comes to doling out punishments.

“So I grab the bullet in my left hand and the remote in my right, the wire connecting them tickles my stomach but it was sensual and arousing, I want it’s teasing touch more but I can’t wait anymore. I turn it on low before pressing it lightly on my right nipple watching it pebble before doing the same to the left, rubbing my thighs together for some much needed friction. I need the bullet on my clit, I need the sensation I need to feel something there.

“Some women like to start off low and build pressure. Some women feel the need of a bullet meant no self-control, the inability to self-please but it’s an enhancement of the senses. A delicious enhancement that tightens the coil low in our bellies that controls our release, our orgasms. The touch of the cool bullet on my hot, engorged clit is a relief in itself, the need for the vibrations was more than I could handle much longer. I press it lightly into my clit as I turn it to medium, needing more than the low setting was giving me. I stroke it over my lips to my anus and let it play some there, wondering what it would feel like having an engorged penis just like the one I’ve been thinking about since I woke up this morning pushing past the tight hole and slipping inside, fucking my tight little asshole.” They never talked about it, she didn't know where that came from but the moment the thought passed through her lips she didn’t know if she should regret it or play it off in case he ever did want to.

“Fuck baby keep going.”

“Bringing the bullet back to my clit, I close my legs slightly to hold it in place while I grab the clamps. The first was placed on the right nipple, taught and pinching and so deliciously painful I couldn’t help but moan with pleasure, my clit throbbing even under the trill of the bullet. Then came the left nipple and fuck does that feel amazing!” I cooed quietly, Harper and Jasper were back at their cubicle on the opposite side of the office from her but other than that they’re all clear.

“Shit, baby, I have a conference call. We are finishing this later.”

“Yes, sir.”

The line went dead and Clarke sighed as Miller came up to her and asked something but her head was spinning. She’d just said the filthiest things on the phone to her boss who’s office was right behind her, getting a perfect view of her ass thanks to this weird chair that was strangely comfortable so she had no idea what Miller had asked nor did she have any idea how she wouldn’t fall hard for her boss because her armor is cracking and she’s defenseless against Bellamy Blake without it.


	2. Soap Me Up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bath bombs and revelations

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Before you read, just know that there is a shit ton of angst. It wasn't supposed to be but then I got to thinking about the head and the heart and how Bellamy has to use his head up in space now and it turned into this where he uses his head and somehow Clarke is thinking with her head and her heart but mainly her head so yeah, Pt. 2...

He didn’t show up that night. She left her apartment exactly how she told him she would. Shoes in the hall, panties on the kitchen floor, glass of water drained by the sink, and her dress on the floor by her bedroom door. She left the bustier on for a while, knowing he’d like to see it when he came in. But then it was eight o’clock and she knew he wasn’t coming.

She drew a bath, tossing the bustier across the floor and threw her kimono on before getting her pajamas. She grabbed a bath bomb from the basket next to the tub and tossed it in, the room beginning to smell like roses almost instantly. She loved it and so did Bellamy by how he buried his face in her neck and inhaled deeply with a groan. He hasn’t touched her in a month and she was aching for him, it was as if he’d ruined her for anyone else.

She pulled her hair up into a bun before stepping into the tub, sinking down under the water to her shoulders, her head falling back against the edge. Closing her eyes she imagined the one time he had joined her, a lilac bath bomb that time, not that he minded, he just prefers the rose. She bought only rose since she figured that out though once he’s done with her she won’t be able to use them, the smell would remind her of him and it’d crush her.

_That night he’d caught her relaxing in the bath, the first time she saw his tender side, the only time. He slipped in behind her, pulling her close and kissed her neck. After the tender kisses on her neck and soft touches on her stomach and thighs he grasped her throat, forcing her to look back at him. “You’re gorgeous, baby, don’t let anyone tell you different.”_

_“Yes, sir.”_

_“You can use my name, Princess. Say it, I want to hear you say it,” he kissed the corner of her mouth gingerly before nibbling her earlobe waiting for the three syllables to pass through her lips._

_“Bellamy,” it felt personal, like it was made only for her to say and she liked it and only wanted to call him that but he’s her boss and he’s professional there. There he is “Sir.”_

_“Good girl. You like calling me Bellamy?”_

_She nodded and his fingers traced up the water and cupped her drying breast, with him behind her they stuck up out of the water, not that she was complaining, she just loved being with him in any capacity._

_The water from his hands made her skin slippery as he plucked and plied her erect nipples so he didn’t get a grip on them for more than a moment but the friction and the pressure he did manage felt amazing._

_It was in that moment, watching him watch himself playing with her nipples, his lips agape that Clarke realized that they’ve never kissed. “Bellamy,” she said again, testing it out this time. She had permission to use it but she didn’t want to push him too far._

_“Yes, Princess?” His eyes never leaving her breasts._

_Clarke grimaced for a moment, thinking that the first time he called her that was a slip but then he did it again and she thought that maybe he’s allowing new things tonight, maybe he wants more than he was letting on before. “We’ve never kissed.”_

_His eyes snapped to hers and she gasped at the intensity, the depth in his eyes. She didn’t think he’d react so strongly. “You’re right.”_

_“May I ask why?”_

_“Clarke you’re allowed to ask whatever you want but if I don’t answer, don’t push the matter. And we have maybe not what you’re used to but we have.”_

_“Going down on me isn’t kissing me, Bellamy, that’s cunnilingus. It has its own name.” He leaned in and Clarke pulled away. “Don’t do it because I asked you to. I want you to want to kiss me. I’m not forcing you into it.”_

_“No one can force me to do anything, Princess. I thought you liked this.”_

_“I do.”_

_“I’m not doing this for me, you know, this is for us, our mutual pleasure with each other. Do you not like something? Princess, you need to tell me if you don’t like something,” his eyes were full of concern and Clarke wanted to touch him. He didn’t like that._

_“I will,” she promised._

_“Good, I want you to enjoy this as much as I do. You need to tell me if you don’t.”_

_He fucked her slow that night, like she was precious and the only one that could convince him of forever. And maybe she could have if he stayed until the morning._

It hurt, falling asleep in his arms and waking up alone. She ignored it, she didn’t want to push him but she wanted more.

Clarke silenced a sob she didn’t know was going to burst through her. This bath wasn’t relaxing anymore.

She yanked the plug and while the water drained she wrapped herself in a towel, praying for the rest of her night would end swiftly as she grabbed the manuscript Harper loaned her two days ago, wanting to finish it as she climbed into bed.

* * *

Clarke got to work the next morning and Bellamy’s office door was closed and frosted. Usually meant that he was working out while on a conference call or talking an author into something they don’t want to do because that’s who he is, it’s how he operates and sometimes Clarke wondered if it’s what he does to her with that smirk and those eyes and delicious arms. His freckles, how could she forget his freckles? She itched to sketch them, to perfect his freckles on a page for all of eternity to look at in amazement.

 _No, you’re mad at him, there is no sketching him in attempt to showcase perfection. No,_ she told herself and she managed to listen for once when it came to Bellamy Blake.

She turned her computer on and while waiting she answered the incoming call. “Blake Publishing, Editorial. How may I direct your call?”

“Clarke, it’s O,” the woman on the other end and Clarke looked at the phone to see if Mr. Blake was on a call like she suspected but his line was black. Clarke blinked at it with confusion but told Octavia Blake she’d forward her to Mr. Blake. “No, I—I want to talk to you.”

“Me?” Clarke grimaced, she and O were roommates in college and O got her the job when Clarke told her she was moving to town and needed a job. She wasn’t looking for a handout, which this pretty much was, just if some places that were hiring. Octavia went above and beyond as always.

“Yes, you. The woman who has my brother wrapped around her finger.”

“What?”

“You’re his secretary, the woman my brother is sleeping with.”

“No. I am not sleeping with my boss,” Clarke lied. She found it easier to lie over the phone than in person, something to do with a face she makes.

“Huh, I’m usually right about this. If it isn’t you, who is he sleeping with?”

“Octavia, you realize we’re friends, right? You got me this job, but I’m Bellamy’s secretary and I know what he does from nine to five-thirty Monday through Friday. After five-thirty, whatever he does is his business,” Clarke told her though it’s not completely true. It was about last night, but not every night.

“Okay, I’m sorry. You’re right, we are friends and I was actually calling to see if you wanted to go out with me this weekend, Raven is in town and—“

Clarke smiled, “You know I’m in.”

“Awesome! You can tell us all about this new guy you’ve been seeing. Don’t deny it, I know how you are when you’re in a relationship.”

“I’m not, just swamped with work.”

“I know you, Clarke and you’ve been working there for a year, what happened to temporary while you work on your art?”

“I’m still trying to get into a gallery. It’s not easy, O.”

A red light lit up the board for the line connecting her phone to Bellamy’s and its incessant blinking distracted her from Octavia’s statement.

“What? Sorry, I just got an email I had to respond to,” Clarke told her while ignoring his call.

“You’re so good, why don’t you try Etsy? People there love one of a kind shit there.”

“It’s—“

“Griffin, answer the phone when I call you. Now get in here!” Bellamy yelled across the floor.

“O, I got to go.”

“Tell him I was trying to schedule a lunch with him. I don’t see him enough.”

“Will do.”

“Griffin,” he growled over my shoulder and I jumped, hanging up the phone.

“Sir, your sister was on the line trying to secure a lunch with you because you don’t see her enough. I would have answered otherwise,” Clarke said swiftly.

“Get in my office, Griffin.”

Clarke rolled her eyes, her back to him so he couldn’t see as she stood and walked ahead of him to his office. Bellamy closed the door behind him and suddenly he was crowding her. His face buried in her neck sucking on her pulse point knowing it’d soften her up to him but not today. Today she was upset with him, today she wanted him to work for it. Today she wanted him to know he let her down last night.

“Baby, come on. I—“

“You had me waiting for _hours_. ‘Later’ always meant ‘tonight’ so when you don’t show up without a word, I get annoyed. The longer I go without a call explaining why you aren’t there, I get angry and you really don’t want me angry, _Bellamy.”_

“Baby. Princess, please, I have a reason, it’s…”

“What is that?” Clarke grimaced. “’Princess’?”

“You’re—“ Bellamy grimaced, he doesn’t like being questioned or challenged but damn him if he doesn’t see how much she’s in this with him. How much she wants this to be real. “You’re my princess.”

“Are you kidding me? Bellamy, you don’t treat me like a princess, you don’t treat me like a girlfriend or even someone you’re dating, you treat me like a toy. Someone you can have fun with and walk away like they don’t have feelings and come back whenever you want and abuse them again. I can’t keep doing this.”

The words were out of her mouth before she knew what she was even saying but once they were said, she knew they were true, she couldn’t continue letting him walk all over her like he has, she’s done.

“Baby,” he pulled her in close, cupping her cheek. “I asked you to tell me if you needed something to change. I don’t want to see you like this, baby.”

“I’m not your baby. How many other girls are there, Bellamy? I’m not the only one, and that’s not even the worst part.”

“Clarke,” he sighed. “I don’t do this, not at work. I find women elsewhere, but the moment I met you, it’s only been you. I tried keeping a distance, I tried staying away, but you’re—you’re intoxicating,” he said, blaming her for his obsession. “What do you smell like? I love that smell, baby, it drives me insane,” his words were gravelly and breathy and Clarke grimaced, he thinks she’s going back. He thinks he can bring her back to him and she’ll continue doing whatever this is with him when it’s slowly killing her, she’s fallen so hard for him just by waiting for him to give her the time of day. She can’t wait for him anymore, she can’t wait for the galleries to tell her her art is worthy enough to be in their space, she know it is and it’s about time she does something about it.

She scoffed at his words, pulling out of his grasp. He’s trying to seduce her with sweet nothings and telling her she smells good. She knows she smells good, she wouldn’t use the bath bombs if they didn’t make her smell like a fucking rose for days at a time. “I owe you one more, but then I am done, Bellamy.”

“Stop and think about this, Clarke.”

“That’s just it, Bellamy, if you didn’t bail on me last night, I wouldn’t have so much time to think about it. God, I thought… I know you need the control, I understand that, I can give you that, but if you’re so controlling when it comes to sex, why aren’t you controlling when it comes to how I eat or who I talk to.”

“That’s ridiculous, I’m not your master, I’m not a dom,” he blinked.

“You act like one! You punish me, you only allow me to call you ‘Sir’ unless we’re here and then it’s Mr. Blake. You punish me in the bedroom when I’m not adequate at my job which shouldn’t happen, there’s a line. I called you ‘baby’ yesterday, it’s what people who are intimate do, and they have pet names for each other. But _Bellamy_ , punishing me for using some other name you didn’t choose, shouldn’t be okay.”

“There is a line and you are crossing it, stop calling me Bellamy or you’re getting two spanks every time you say it.”

“Yeah, and I’ll like it because _you’re_ dealing them out,” she cried. “I wouldn’t be doing any of this if it weren’t because it pleased you.”

Bellamy took a step back and looked at her as though it were the first time. “You’ve never done this before?”

“No.”

“Shit, baby, why didn’t you tell me? You were so willing and you wanted it.”

“No, I wanted you. All these months, after everything, the one-time where I felt normal and cared for was when you joined me in the tub and you allowed me to call you Bell—by your first name. You didn’t spank or punish me, you didn’t fuck me senseless. You were gentle and treated me like I mattered to you and I wasn’t just another notch on your bedpost. I thought maybe you had a change of heart; that you cared about me. Then I woke up and you were gone, you’re always gone, you never stay and I should have known then. I should have ended it then instead of sticking around in hopes that maybe you did care more than you let on.”

“You want that night again? I can give you that night, baby,” he said taking her hand in his and she looked at their hands together, trying to convince herself that it doesn’t look right. That she shouldn’t like the feel of his large hand encompassing hers.

“Don’t give me anything,” Clarke swallowed, she needs to look him in the eyes when she tells him it’s the last time. She needs to be dead serious. She collected herself and a moment later she looked up at him. “I get three spanks and you get to fuck me one last time. Then we’re done.”

He looked pained, he looked as though he was done with everything but this wasn’t the end of the world, just the end of their physical relationship. “Now or later?”

“Now and I want my key back, I shouldn’t have given it to you in the first place.”

“Fine. Bend over the desk,” his words were cold, distant.

Clarke hated that he insisted on her wearing a skirt when she started working here but she gets it, it makes it easier to access her ass when they only have a few minutes and he needed a quick release before a meeting or a dinner.

She looked over at the glass desk that he once worked a whole day with her ass print on, he liked it, she knows he did and he always wanted to do it again, but his mornings were hectic and he didn’t have time then so they never did.

She was reluctant but walked the three steps over to the desk and bent over, leaning on her elbows knowing well that he’s going to push her head and shoulders down onto the desk.

He didn’t.

Bellamy lifted Clarke’s skirt and pulled down her panties, she was ashamed at how wet she was but if he’s going to fuck her, she might as well be lubed up. Bellamy placed his hand on her left butt cheek, gentle, barely even there, warning her where his hand would be coming down. It pulled away and _slap_! Clarke bit her lip, holding in a whimper, the first one was always nerve wracking. Bellamy’s hand rested there, massaging her butt cheek, soothing the strike of his palm. He’s done it on occasion, when it’s a high number. Not three, three was nothing.

“One,” she counted. She hated the counting, but it was necessary, he could miss count or she could and it’s better when they both are to keep each other honest.

His palm ghosted her right cheek and _slap!_

“Two,” she said as he massaged her ass again.

He pulled her panties back up before he folded her skirt back down. “You’re done. Take the rest of the day.”

“I’m not take a day off just because you didn’t like what I said.”

“Go home, Clarke.”

She nodded, more frustrated now than she was before. “You need help, Mr. Blake. If you don’t talk to me and you don’t talk to Octavia, you need to talk to someone because shutting people out isn’t healthy.”

“Go home, Griffin!”

Clarke grimaced and threw the door open and grabbed her purse and phone from her desk and walked to the elevators on the other side of the building without looking back, knowing the scene she just made.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please don't hate me, I find solace in angst. More to come, I swear!


	3. I Need You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bellamy's POV and time jump.

Bellamy threw his phone across the room. He couldn’t do it, why couldn’t he do it? He’s been spanking her for a year and first he tells her three because it wasn’t too big of a mistake, he rather liked when she called him baby, like he was hers and no one could split them apart. Then he had that damn meeting where he realized just how much he wanted to _be_ Clarke’s. He didn’t know how he felt about it, didn’t know if she’d want it either. So instead of heading to her apartment after dinner like he’d planned, he went home and stared at his phone not knowing what exactly he could say to her to make up for it so he didn’t tell her and he jerked off alone with the thought of her tight pussy pulsating around his cock instead of his hand.

They’ve been going behind his sister’s back and doing the dirtiest things he’s sure Clarke was in some way ashamed of though she fucking loved every minute, or he thought so until a moment ago when she just ended it and he couldn’t spank her for being bad, he didn’t have the heart to do it. He should have fucked her though. It was his last chance to fuck her and he didn’t, he’s an idiot.

* * *

A month later he sat at the head of the table in the conference room fully lost, he had no idea what book they were talking about because his eyes kept drifting over to Clarke who was wearing the same clothes as yesterday. He wondered if it was because she went out with Octavia and Raven again, crashing at one of theirs or because she went home with someone. He really hoped she didn’t go home with someone.

“Blake?” Monty asked.

“Hmm?”

“Emerson was supposed to have the final draft in last week but it’s still not in my inbox.”

Emerson, he gave that to Clarke, he trusted her with it, why was she letting him down on her first author?

“Clarke?” Bellamy asked her pointedly.

She gasped, looking between him and Monty, not sure what she was supposed to say.

“Have you gotten in contact with Emerson? You’re running point on him for me, you requested it when you first read the manuscript.”

“Right, um, no. I haven’t checked in with him, I’m sorry, Sir,” she said earnestly and to everyone in the room she was making eye contact with him but she was looking over his head and he hated it. It was the closest she’s come to looking at him in over a month since he spanked her twice and kicked her out. Why did he do that? Why didn’t he kiss her like he was desperately wanting to? Why was he such an emotionally stunted idiot that he couldn’t just tell her how he felt? What did he feel?

“See me in my office after the meeting.”

She gave him a curt nod before her eyes landed on the table and stayed there for the next fifteen minutes when everything that needed discussing was done and over with.

He went to his office and waited for Clarke to walk in like he told her to. He'll give her five minutes, he knows he shouldn't call her out like that in the middle of a meeting but how else was he supposed to get her alone without Octavia suspecting something was up? How else was he supposed to get her in his office when she won't do it on her own?

A minute later she stood at the door with his mug, hopefully full of coffee, he was feeling a headache coming on, though that could just be her. She was staring at the frosted glass door, knowing that the remote for the door was safely tucked away in his desk, he couldn't risk her making it clear.

“Griffin, perfect. Close the door, please.”

Clarke walked in and around his desk to his chair and sat, taking a sip of his coffee.

He growled and crossed the room to close the door. “You’ve impeded my work, Griffin.”

“Emerson is my client, I’m impeding him. He’s not going to leave _Blake Publishing_ because I’ve been going through some shit.”

“You’re at work, Clarke, you don’t see me bringing my personal life into the workplace.”

“No, you just make your workplace your personal playground,” she stated taking another sip from _his_ mug.

“This is my business, Clarke, don’t think you can come in here and screw with my business.”

“Because that was the intent, my diabolical plan to get back at you for fucking me. That makes sense since ignoring you doesn’t work.”

“This is my business, Clarke, don’t come in here and threaten my business or—“

“You’ll fire me?” she smirked. “Sexual harassment lawsuits are _great_ for business, _Sir_.”

He knew she was goading him, he knew she was trying to get a rise out of him and it was fucking working. Every little thing she did made his cock twitch. He bit back his urge to grab her and have his way with her because she just threatened a lawsuit against him. How could that be turning him on? It wasn’t, it was the “Sir,” the acknowledgment of his hold on her, and she may have had a sarcastic hilt in her voice when she said it but the undertone of need was more alluring.

“What?” she grimaced at Bellamy’s silence, he didn’t know what to say aside from what he wanted to but he can’t anymore, she walked away from him. She threatened a lawsuit. “You want to spank me for insubordination?” Bellamy licked his lips, he couldn’t answer no matter how much he wanted to. “Good, maybe now you can know what it feels like to want something you can’t have,” she stood and walked to the door, leaving his mug on his desk.

“Go out with me,” he said quickly, before he even realized the words were out of his mouth.

Clarke spun around and glared at him, “What?”

“A date. Go out on a date with me… please.”

“And why the hell should I do that?”

Bellamy stepped towards Clarke and stopped when he saw the wariness in her eyes. “I need you,” he said softly, completely unlike him. “I miss what we had.” Clarke scoffed but he continued, “We didn’t communicate. I didn’t tell you what I liked in full and you didn’t tell me what you didn’t like… which was a lot apparently.”

“You don’t get it at all, Bellamy. I told you I was done but I still owed you three spanks and a fuck and you spanked me twice and sent me home like a dirty slut you couldn’t bear to look at. I still owe you and I don’t want to anymore. I want it to be done.”

“You don’t owe me a thing,” Bellamy strained. He meant it but he couldn’t manage to sound convincing because the thought of getting his cock inside her tight pussy was clouding his thoughts.

She grimaced and looked down at his crotch, knowing he was hard and thick in his pants, the pressure too much for him.

“Then why even ask for a date?”

“Because I want to know you as more than my secretary and my sister’s friend from college who severed all ties with her mother. For good this time.”

“Why me?”

“I can’t get you out of my head,” he admitted.

“And that’s a sign that we’re destined to be together?”

“You thought about me too, don’t deny it.”

“Even if I did, it wouldn’t matter. We’re… fire and wind, we’ll either burn out or cause a forest fire leaving everything dead in our wake until we ultimately burn out. We aren’t good together.”

“The flaw in that metaphor is that wind involves oxygen which keeps fire burning. Clarke, we could be great together once we find our balance.”

“And how long will that take? Is it really worth risking everything you’ve worked so hard for?”

“Clarke, I will walk away from everything I’ve built if it meant I could burn with you no matter the capacity.”

She shook her head feverishly, her blond waves moving with every jolt, “Fuck you, Bellamy. Fuck you. You don’t get to say that after everything you’ve been through, everything with your mother. You can’t say that.”

“Then you know how serious I am. You know everything my mother did, everything I’ve done for Octavia. I’ll give up everything for a chance with you.”

She didn’t say anything, she didn’t look at him and it made him nervous. She can always say no, he wouldn’t put it past her, he sounds crazy. But Bellamy has never needed someone and the fact that he needs Clarke, even as a friend was better than his distant secretary that wouldn’t let him break down her wall. “Can I think about it?” Clarke finally said.

“Of course,” he agreed and stepped back, letting her leave. “Call Emerson.”

She nodded and walked out of Bellamy’s office and he sighed, his eyes catching Miller’s and the man grimaced and headed towards Bellamy’s office.

“You’re fucking her,” Miller grimaced the moment the door closed behind him.

“Yeah, I was, she ended it last month and I can’t get her out of my head.”

“And this Emerson deal?”

Bellamy groaned, Clarke wanted to prove herself as more than a secretary and he mentioned Emerson on the phone while she sucked his cock with such amazing precision he thought he wouldn’t be able to hold off his orgasm before he ended the call. He hung up quickly and Clarke pulled back and asked to work with Emerson and Bellamy agreed, he’d do anything to get her mouth back around his pulsating cock to release his load down her throat.

“She wanted to prove herself as more than a secretary and I agreed. She’s been my secretary for a year and worked hard, she deserved to get a chance at a promotion.”

“If she was promoted to junior editor and isn’t working directly under you anymore the relationship would have been acceptable for public knowledge. I get that but you were still her direct supervisor for over a year, moving her under me would still be—“

“I know, Miller. It’s not happening, okay?”

“What do you mean? I thought you were planning on her moving under me.”

“I told Octavia about transferring her and she told me Clarke’s an artist. And we waste so much money hiring out for illustration, I was thinking of starting an illustration department. Not for her to be in charge of but do the art for the covers.”

“So you’re pushing her away but keeping her in your grasp?”

“No, I—“ Bellamy sighed, he doesn’t know how to describe what he wants, what he feels aside from needing Clarke. “It’s hard to explain. She won’t let me in to know what she’s thinking about the situation.”

“You just said she ended it, so there isn’t a situation anymore.”

“I asked her out on a date. A real date where I pick her up from her apartment and take her to dinner and maybe the theatre or a gallery opening, probably that because she likes it, I don’t know if she likes theatre.”

“What about the park after dinner? You seduce her by telling her about the constellations? You’re whipped and you’re not even getting any.”

Bellamy rolled his eyes, “Get back to work and I better not hear anything about this from anyone.”

“You and me, always,” Miller smirked.


	4. More than Sex

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke POV with an answer and... no spoilers!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So if anyone who reads this lives outside of California, Arizona, Nevada, and choice cities in Oregon, Texas, and Utah, or has never visited any of those stated states, I am so sorry that you have never experienced the amazing experience of In-N-Out Burger. But if you do ever go to any of the places and decide to indulge in it's awesomeness, make sure you do research because their menu is vastly greater than what they show. There is a secret menu of some of the best things in the world. I am not exaggerating, animal style fries are God's gift to mankind and I will be consuming them in less than a month and I can not wait!

Clarke shook her head. A date? He couldn’t be serious. What would they talk about? She knows nothing about him, well, she does but nothing substantial, nothing real. How would they… it doesn’t make sense.

“Hey,” she finally heard after the fourth ring.

“About time, Niylah, I couldn’t…”

“I’m sorry, babe, I was with a customer. What’s up?”

“You know how we were casual when I lived there.”

“Pure orgasmic sex, yes.”

“Glad to know I rocked your world. Well, I met a man,” Clarke peeked over the bathroom stall to make sure she was alone. “And it was the best sex of my life and I think it was his too but all he wanted was sex so I broke it off with him. I was done, but today he asked me on a date and I don’t know if it’s because he misses the sex and is just giving me what I want or because he actually cares and wants to be with me.”

“Well he’d be an idiot not to want you but he could just want the sex back.”

“That’s what I’m afraid of. I want more than sex.”

“So have a trial. He asked you on a date so you say yes but on one condition, he doesn’t touch you. If he can respect that the whole night then he passes but if he doesn’t then you know he just wants sex.”

“And if I trip and he catches me before I break my face?”

Niylah laughed, “That’s an exception to the rule but no lingering touches once you’re upright.”

“Yeah,” Clarke said, her mind reeling with opportunities to drive Bellamy insane while he can’t do a damn thing to her. “Thank you, Niylah, I didn’t really have anyone else to call.”

“It’s fine, Clarke. I’m always here if you need to talk.”

“I appreciate that.”

“I should go, someone just walked in. Keep me posted on this date.”

“I will,” Clarke promised just before she heard the click of Niylah dropping the phone in the counter of her store.

Clarke stepped out of the stall and came face to face with a smirking Harper. “I knew it,” she smirked. Clarke went to the sink and washed her hands.

“Knew what?”

“You and Mr. Blake, he’s been different since you started wearing pants to work.”

“That… that’s because I’m done listening to his misogynistic bullshit. He’s an asshole that needed a taste of his own medicine so pants and he doesn’t get to treat me like his property.”

Harper grimaced, “His property?”

“There’s a lot of our interactions that people don’t see. It’s… strained isn’t the right word for it, maybe right now it is but… it’s complicated.”

“Do you want to date him?”

“I think I always have,” Clarke admitted for the first time since walking away and it felt different, somehow eternal and it was scary, she didn’t think wanting him would be so scary and maybe that means it’s more. Maybe that means she feels more for him than she’s willing to admit but she couldn’t think about that. She couldn’t ask for more when she’s barely getting any.

“Are you going to tell him?”

“I wasn’t going to, but that phone call you were pretending not to listen in on, it was my ex—kind of—she told me to tell him and she’s one of those people who lives without regret. I _should_ listen to her.”

“But you’re scared," Harper said, realizing that there might be a hell of a lot more than what Clarke is telling her. "It’s okay to be scared, we all are but that’s what life is all about, diving in head first. So you should tell him and tell him now before you chicken out.”

“Yeah, but you cannot tell anyone, especially Monty. Don’t think I don’t know.”

“We went to HR, unlike you and Mr. Blake.”

Clarke rolled her eyes, happy for Harper and Monty, but wishing no one at work knew about it until she knew for certain what they were, if they’re anything. “I’m going to talk to him. Don’t tell a soul.”

Harper nodded with a smirk and Clarke left the bathroom and went and knocked on Bellamy’s door.

“Come in,” he said, the glass still frosted over and she inwardly groaned as she pushed the door open. “Princess,” he said, not even looking up from his computer. He knows, he always knows.

“I have a condition,” she said quickly before smirking, realizing what he probably thought as he closed his laptop. “For the date, not a… anyway, I will go on the date. You will pick me up at eight on Friday and you will not touch me the entire night. We will not leave the city but the rest is up to you. You want this date, those are my stipulations on top of taking me home at the end of the night and then you go home.”

“Okay, I’ll plan something for Friday after eight.”

“Don’t go over the top, you have all the money you could ask for and I may be a _Princess_ , but I’m not into throwing money around carelessly.”

“I know, Princess, I got this,” he smiled.

Clarke nodded and opened the door to go call Emerson.

“I called Emerson, he's sending you the final draft. Read it and send it over to Monty,” he said and Clarke bit back her pissed off retort and walked out of his office to her cubicle.

* * *

Needless to say, the three days leading up to Friday were torture and once it was Friday, it seemed like time was creeping along at a snail’s pace. Clarke sent Emerson’s final draft to Monty two days ago and she’s just been a secretary and it’s been killing her, she’s bored and she wants to do more than she was so she took up drawing on a post-it she could easily hide when someone came up to her, if they came up to her. It’s not that it was frowned upon, she was still fully capable of doing her job, answering the phone and making appointments, reminding Bellamy of the appointments countless times a day, sometimes she wondered how they ever managed to sneak time away when he was so busy, but she knows he made time and somehow it made her heart skip a beat.

She saw the green light flicker on the phone, the line directly to his office, she couldn’t ignore it, she doesn’t want a scene today. “Sir,” she answered.

“Wear something nice tonight.”

She smiled at the reminder, “Don’t I always?”

Hearing him scoff over the line was surreal, “You’re wearing jeans right now, they make your ass look great, but… sorry.”

“Don’t be. It’s a little crass but we’ve both said worse. Anything else I should know?”

“Bring that stomach of yours.”

“Believe me, I’ll be famished by eight.”

“I think you’re going to have fun tonight.”

“Within the city?”

“For the most part," he said and she knew he was smirking.

“Bell—Mr. Blake.”

“Santa Monica.”

“That is fine.”

“You didn’t believe me when I said you’ll like it? Or you don’t trust me?”

“A little of both.” It’s not that she doesn’t trust him, she does, but he’s broken her heart once already and she can’t—she won’t let him hurt her again.

“That’s fair. I deserve that.”

She couldn’t say anything because she’d apologize or explain but he already knows.

“Could you go down to that bakery you like? Get some coffee for us and whatever else you want?”

“I don’t need anything, I’ll just get you a coffee.”

“Clarke, get whatever the hell you want. Get a cookie, that sugar rush you always crave around two o’clock but always hide. Get something.”

“Okay, I’m going,” she chuckled. _Whatever the hell you want,_ she smirked.

* * *

She didn’t want to look sexy, she told herself not to. For the first time in a month she drew a bath and debated between the pink and yellow foil wrappings and picked up the pink one. She wanted to drive Bellamy crazy but subtlety was key. He couldn’t know it was the plan. If she chose daisies over roses he would know she was avoiding but choosing roses and being within smelling distance while not allowing him to touch her, Clarke is saying she cares about his opinions but also that she’s not going to succumb to his ultimate desires.

Of course she picked the roses and dropped the opened bath bomb in the tub and pulled her hair into a messy bun before stepping in to relax with a new manuscript.

An hour later she dried off and turned her curling wand on for her hair before heading to her closet. She stared at her lingerie contemplating what she should exactly put on. He’s not going to see it, she thought so she could go with boring bikini panties and a boring bra and be fine because he is not going to see them. Or she can be a little naughty, bring that extra sway to her hips with the secret of naughty lingerie underneath.

The choice was obvious as she pulled the sage green set out and slipped the matching lace boy shorts on before getting to the complex ribbons of the bra that snapped onto the boy shorts for security. Then picked out the new tight grey dress that had just a hint of cleavage, just enough to drive him wild. He deserves to be tortured a little.

Her hair took her ten minutes to curl, opposed to her make-up which took twice as long but didn’t look like she made any major changes since work, enough for Bellamy to questioned if she did more than just change her outfit and shoes.

She looked hot, conservative hot with a mysteriously sexy edge and she knew she would be turning heads which Bellamy definitely wouldn’t like. He’s protective over what’s his and though Clarke isn’t, she knows that’s how Bellamy feels towards her. She’s not mad about it, though she should be, she’s not his property and she never will be because she is her own person. She had to teach her mother that last year and if she has to teach Bellamy that too then so be it. It’s a lesson they both need to learn if it’s the case.

She was pulling on her heels when there was a knock on her door. She looked back at the clock on her night stand that read 8:01 and she grinned. She pulled her shoe on the rest of the way before grabbing her clutch and headed to the door.

She paused before opening it, letting him sweat a little. When she opened the door a moment later, she watched Bellamy’s eyes crawl up her body inch by bloody inch and she swore her face was a bright cherry red by the time he looked her in the eyes, his filled with lust, a look she knew all too well.

“Not touching you wasn’t going to be easy before, but it’s nearly impossible now.”

Clarke smiled, biting her lip, “Thank you.”

“Seriously, you look amazing.”

“Bellamy, I’m here, you don’t have to convince me.”

“But I can’t touch you so I have to show my adoration in other ways, Princess.”

“You can’t touch me because neither of us think straight when we’re touching each other. You wanted a date, not a fuck. You get what you ask for.”

“And you’re getting what you asked for. Are you ready?”

Clarke nodded and Bellamy stepped back as she closed the door behind her and locked it.

“Where are we going?” she asked as they stepped out on the sidewalk, Bellamy heading to the blue convertible Camaro. “Where’s the Bentley?”

“You said no over the top display of money, meaning no Bentley.”

Clarke grimaced, she’s always had a soft spot for Bentleys, she wish he’d driven it. Scratch that, if he drove the Bentley, she'd blow him while he's driving, it's a kink she's dreamed about for... since she saw him step out of his car on her first day working for him.

“You wanted me to drive the Bentley?” Bellamy smirked, opening the door for Clarke. “Next time, babe.”

“Next time?" she asked, shaking the dirty thoughts out of her head. "You’re saying that as though this was a success, it’s barely been five minutes.”

“Will you give me a chance and get in the car please?”

Clarke smiled and nearly fell into the car, he had the top up and Clarke knew he hated having the top up but she didn’t need to push him.

He closed the door and ran around the car to the driver’s seat and got in.

“Where are we going?” Clarke asked again.

“We are making a quick pit stop in Marina Del Rey then going to Santa Monica.”

“Why Marina?”

“Dinner.”

“And Santa Monica?”

“Patience is a virtue, baby,” he said softly pulling the car out of the parking spot and headed north towards Marina Del Rey.

“How’s Raven?” he asked, Clarke knew they went to college together before Clarke and Finn showed up with all that drama that came with that... situation. Bellamy sleeping with her right after was something that Clarke never saw coming, though she also didn’t know him then.

“Good, she misses being out here but Houston is where she’s needed.”

“I thought they said she couldn’t be an astronaut because of the heart murmur.”

“No, she can’t but she’s happy working on the shuttle and running all the equations. I swear, as long as she has a wrench in her hand, fixing something broken, she’s happy.”

“You think there’s a… no work.”

“What?” Clarke laughed.

“Work, I promised myself I wouldn’t talk about work tonight because it’s all I really know about you.”

“About how much I hate working in a field I don’t care for under a tyrant? Yeah, let’s not talk about that,” she smirked.

“I’m only a tyrant because I’m frustrated.”

“You were frustrated all year?”

“Yeah, I have this firecracker secretary that only gives me an inch when I demand a mile.”

Clarke decided not to hold her tongue, if he doesn’t like what she says or that she has her own opinion, screw him. “That might be your problem. You don’t ask, you demand. You even demanded this date.”

“I don’t regret that, you look stunning.”

She bit back a smile, “Thank you.”

“So I look horrible and I’m never going to be good enough for you.”

“Don’t beg for compliments, it’s unbecoming and you know you look good in that tailored suit, Mr. Extravagant.”

“Hey, this is Armani and it doesn’t like to be sassed.”

“It can hear me?”

“It can hear you and it’s feelings are hurt.”

“Oh, Armani, I am so sorry. Please forgive me.”

“It said it might, you really hurt its feelings.”

“Well, I am,” she stifled back a laugh. “I am so sorry.”

They continued talking and joking and Clarke’s nerves seemed to have dissipated.

Nerves. She was nervous and she didn't know if it was because she was on a date with Bellamy Blake or because she's itching to get her hands back on him after a month of torture with only herself to blame.

They pulled into In-N-Out Burger and Clarke tried hiding her smirk. Low key, she remembered telling him. She also knows he asked Harper what she likes. Harper the double agent. She loves In-N-Out, who doesn't? And it's why they're in Marina Del Ray, it's the closest one to Santa Monica, which is apparently their destination.

“What would you like?”

“Order for me,” she challenged, knowing Harper didn't tell him that much.

“Yeah?” Bellamy smirked.

“Yes,” Clarke smiled as the car ahead of them in the drive-thru moved up so they could order.

“Okay.”

“Welcome to In-N-Out, how may I help you?” The girl asked over the intercom.

“Yes, I need four animal style cheeseburgers, three animal style fries and two napoleon shakes.”

She repeated the order and Clarke waited for the order to be over before asking, “What are you going to eat?”

Bellamy laughed, “Whatever you don't.”

After getting their order, Bellamy maneuvered through the streets with confident finesse and pulled into a beach parking lot once they were in Santa Monica.

“A picnic?” Clarke asked, grimacing at her heels.

“A little more, I have some things packed in the trunk so give me a minute and we’ll head over.”

What Clarke couldn't see from the parking lot was the large blow up silver screen on the shoreline. It didn't help that it was projecting the sunset behind it as they strode over to the area, a few couples in the middle of their own picnics as they walked over.

“Bellamy…” she said softly, stopping dead in her tracks.

“I didn't pay for it, Octavia said something about there being movies on the beach and I looked it up. Of course my original plan was to take you to a fancy restaurant but that's not you. Before you walked into my office telling me not to go overboard, I had this thought out and I had to change my plan.”

Clarke bit her lip, of course he knew what she was thinking. “I was going to say that this is very romantic.”

“I'm not good at this.”

“You are, you just have to stop thinking about what everyone else is going to think if they hear about it and just care about the girl you're trying to impress and what she thinks about it.” She began walking again, taking their food from his hands because it’s unfair with everything else he’s carrying.

“The verdict?” He asked after picking a spot in the growing crowd.

“Depends on the movie.”

“ _Sabrina_.”

“Audrey Hepburn?”

“Is there another _Sabrina_ that I don't know about?”

“No, just—it's my favorite and I've never told anyone that. People ask my favorite movie and I always say _His Girl Friday. Sabrina_ was just for me so how did you know?”

“Lucky guess,” he smirked and Clarke glared at him incredulously. “Fine, I had no clue! I kind of figured if you like _His Girl Friday_ , you might like other classics and when I found out about this, I thought of you. So if you said no, I would have had Monty tell you.”

“And what if I didn't say tonight?”

He dropped the bags he was carrying on the sand and began setting everything up. “I would have paid whatever the city wanted to make it happen on whichever night you said.”

“Exactly what I didn't want you to do.”

Bellamy looked up from the blanket he was laying out with a smirk, “Exactly what you didn’t want me to do.”

“I have money, Bellamy, I was raised with a silver spoon and I’m choosing to throw it away because I know the realities of the world. You were raised in the bowels of reality and you climbed your way up earning the silver spoon. It’s usually people with your upbringing that are more conscientious when it comes to money.”

They sat on the blanket and Clarke handed Bellamy one of the milkshakes, getting a burger for herself because she didn't lie when she told him she would be starving by eight o'clock and it's nearly nine. “In whichever politically correct format this should come out as instead of calling you a prostitute, you are worth everything to me.”

“And here I was thinking you were so eloquently loquacious.”

Bellamy laughed, nearly choking on his milkshake, falling silent when he looked back at Clarke.

“Don’t kiss me back,” she said before leaning in quickly and pressed a kiss to Bellamy’s lips, pulling back just as fast.

Bellamy’s dopey smile adorned his face. “What was that for?”

“For being real, being Bellamy and not Bellamy Blake CEO.”

“I’m both.”

“I know, but this Bellamy I like more,” Clarke confessed.

They talked and ate, their eyes drifting between the sunset and each other and Clarke thought the night was absolutely perfect. Once it was dark out, the movie began on the big blow up screen and all her focus was on _Sabrina,_ not having the opportunity to watch it lately.

She heard Bellamy laugh quietly at the wrong time and she looked over at him puzzled. “What?”

“You’re whispering the words. Every word.”

“Well, when it gets you through the hardest year of your life, it’s kind of hard to forget.”

“Your dad.”

“Yeah, it’s bittersweet nostalgia.”

“If I’d known…”

“Bellamy, it’s okay. I love this movie and I love that you brought me here and I love that you didn’t go over the top because you thought about me and what I want. Thank you.”

“I’m sorry about before. I thought you liked it, I thought you wanted it and I should have talked to you about it and—“

“Bellamy, please, I—I should have told you how I felt about it. I should have… we both should have done things differently and we can’t take it back, but we’re here and we should enjoy the movie together.”

He nodded and watched her without a word as she turned her head back towards the screen, waiting for him to do the same, watching him out of the corner of her eye.

* * *

“Thank you, Bellamy,” Clarke smiled weakly, she noticed his hands in his pockets. She knew he wanted to touch her and _fuck_ did she want him to touch her but he was respectful tonight, he listened and he obeyed, he was so good.

_Doesn’t a good boy deserve a reward?_

Clarke shook the thought out of her head as she twisted her key in the lock and pushed the door open, cracking it open an inch or two. “Good night, Bellamy.”

Fuck, she loved saying his name.

He licked his lips and swallowed, nodding his head. “Good night, Ms Griffin.”

He turned on his heel and headed back down the hall. Clarke stepped into her apartment and dropped her keys and clutch on the table and looked back at Bellamy about to round the corner to the elevator.

“Bellamy!”

His head snapped to her and she knew she shouldn’t. She knew that if she did, she’d break her own rule. She shouldn’t but... “I shouldn’t invite you in.”

“No. You shouldn't.”

“I shouldn’t ask if you would like a drink.”

“Not that either.”

“Or if you want to see what’s on TV.”

He squeezed his eyes shut, she could see the wrinkles at his eyes even from fifteen yards away. “You definitely shouldn’t do that.”

“Bellamy,” Clarke sighed, and she knew he heard her by the way he licked his lips.

“Baby,” he warned. “Don’t.”

“Would you like to come in?”


	5. Ice Ice Baby

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I've been writing this chapter for what feels like FOREVER! It's partly because I've been doing a lot of stuff during the day and at work so I haven't been able to write as often. But it's FINALLY here and I think it's epic and a little too steamy... (not a spoiler... okay, totally a spoiler)

Would he like to come in? She's joking right? The only reason Bellamy's been able to control himself, to rein himself in was because she was in control. She had all the cards laid out on the table. Or so Bellamy thought but she was holding a royal flush and still folded.

Before Bellamy knew it his feet were moving and suddenly he was holding her, his lips pressed against Clarke’s and he felt like he could breathe again opposed to drowning without her. How had he survived over a month without her?

He pushed into the apartment, closing the door with Clarke’s body pressed against it. His rock hard dick grinding into her stomach through their layers of clothes.

 _No, I can’t fuck her tonight_ , he thought and pulled away.

“What?” Clarke grimaced, blue eyes searching his face.

“I—I’m not going to fuck you tonight. Hell, we shouldn’t have done that. You asked if I wanted a drink or watch something on Netflix, not take you against the door.”

“I wouldn’t mind,” she breathed and gripped onto his shoulders, nails digging in.

“I know, baby, but I’m serious about you. I want to prove it, I want to date you.”

“And the no sex on the first date applies when we’ve been fucking for a year? No. You’ve looked that sexy all night and I still can’t do anything about it? Not cool.”

“Clarke, I’m yours. I’ve always been yours, I’ve just been an ass about it.”

“So, you just want to watch?” She smirked pulling her skirt up.

“Netflix. Beer. That’s what we’re going to do tonight. Okay?”

Clarke kissed the corner of his mouth before stepping around him. “You can do that, but I have a lot of pent up frustration that I’d like to work out.”

Bellamy sighed and turned around, venturing further into her apartment only to find her sashaying down the hall to the kitchen in a light green bustier and matching lace panties. Her dress a pile on the floor three feet in front of him. An image of him grinding into her and those damn heels digging into his back, asking him for more and the pleasure/pain of the sensation would drive him mad, pushing him to give her more.

“Bell?” she asked giving him a skeptical look.

“Sorry?”

“Stella or that IPA Octavia loves?”

“St—Stella.”

Clarke stepped back into the kitchen and came back a minute later with a glass of wine and walked over to him, handing him the Stella and into the living room where he’s taken her on every surface. The couch, bent over the chair, the floor, even the damn coffee table, images flashing through his head, taunting him, wanting her even more than before which he didn’t think was even possible.

“Are you okay?” she asked, stopping at her spot on the couch. The fact that he knew that meant they were more domestic than he thought they were, guzzling down some of the beer.

“Just trying to keep my promise.”

“The one you agreed to days ago when right now, I’m standing in front of you in lingerie, asking you to fuck me and you’re standing in the middle of my entry with an obvious erection, groaning and telling me you won’t.”

“I’m not arguing with you tonight, Clarke. I made you a promise and I was good, I was going home and you called be back and I couldn’t not kiss you. I’ve been trying not to all night and I’m still trying right now.”

“I’m still going to get off.”

“Yeah, you _definitely_ should.”

“Are you saying that you want us to watch each other masturbate?”

“I’m saying I want to watch you. I want to know what turns you on, how you work yourself over.”

“Bellamy, I—I can’t do that, not with you watching me like that.”

“Like what?”

“Like I am the only thing that matters in the world. You really shouldn’t look at me like that.”

“You are and I can. Clarke, I want to see you come undone by your own touch. Will you do that for me?”

Clarke has never done that before, she never thought she’d want to be watched before. Sure, she’s walked around her apartment naked in front of him before and he’s most definitely seen and heard her orgasm, being the cause himself, but to have him watch, to have him sit there watching her touch herself and not have his hands on her at all? She never thought about it, but she wants it.

“Yeah.”

“Yes, what?”

“Yes, sir,” she smirked, did he know what it did to her? Does he know his effect on her at all?

She wanted to tease him. She wanted to go slow and let it build at an agonizing pace, but once her fingers started she worked at such a fast speed that brought her orgasm to fruition faster than ever before. Calling out to Bellamy, chanting his name, praying to him like a god and she watched him watch her with such intent, such love and restraint that once she recovered, she clambered into Bellamy’s lap and kissed him.

“Clarke,” he murmured against her lips, his hands gripping her waist, grinding her down against his erection in his jeans.

“It’s after midnight, Bellamy,” she breathed into his neck, sucking and biting at the juncture of his jaw. “Have your way with me.”

“Fuck,” he groaned, you don’t have to tell him twice. He pushed her up and off him, hating the distance, but it was necessary. “Go to your room, I’ll be there in a minute. Use that pink vibrator on your clit to keep you going, okay?”

She had this uncertainty in her eyes that nearly broke his heart.

“I’ll be right there, Princess,” he said, kissing her temple and spanking her, she yelped, jumping away and towards the stairs that lead up to her bedroom and _fuck_ , Bellamy couldn’t wait to get up there.

He went to the kitchen and grabbed a glass from the drying rack and filled it with ice. If he gets to touch her, he gets to play with her, make her squirm. That he can guarantee.

Stepping into the room he smirked at the sight of Clarke spread out on the queen sized bed, rubbing the little vibrator against her clit, keeping her wet for him. “Bell,” she moaned, barely louder than the vibrator, the one downside to the little machine’s power.

“I’m here, baby girl. How you feeling?”

“Good,” she sighed. “So good, Bellamy. I want you.”

“You’ll get me, but I want to play first. Will you play with me?”

Clarke’s head fell to the side and looked up at him, her eyes widening at the glass full of ice in his hand. She groaned, “Yes, sir.”

Bellamy smiled, loving her eagerness. Fuck, he loves her. “Fuck,” he groaned, both at the realization and the sight ahead of him, her legs spread wide and waiting, so entrancing as he pulled at the buttons on his shirt, not realizing that she’d done it at some point already tonight and shrugged it off, letting it pool in the middle of her floor. He loosened his belt, casually looking over at her to see what she was doing and he swore she was salivating.

“See something you like?” he smirked.

“My cocky boss who is going to make me _beg_ before he fucks me,” Clarke said breathlessly as the vibrator stroked her lips and clit shuttering and bucking her hips slightly.

“And you want him to fuck you?”

“Only him,” she gasped. “Only you.”

Bellamy smirked, forgetting his pants, walking over to the nightstand that had a whole box of condoms waiting and placed the glass of ice down, picking up a piece of ice. He smiled down at her as he leaned over and placed a chaste kiss to her lips, hers chasing after them.

He gingerly placed the ice cube on her protruding nipple, still clad in the green lace, and Bellamy decided that it wasn’t coming off for the night. She looks amazing it, then again she looks amazing out of it too. She moaned at the freezing sensation as her nipple pebbled to an even tighter peak.

“Bellamy,” she groaned and he definitely doesn’t hate how she says his name.

He smiled, looking up at her, “Hmm?”

“More,” she smiled and God damn, this woman is a torturous siren.

He nodded, reaching for two more pieces of ice. He pulled down a cup of the bustier and kissed the peaked nipple, grazing his teeth against it before pulling the cup back up into place with an ice cube pressing into her hard wet nipple, giving her other breast the same treatment before sticking the original, slowly melting ice cube into his mouth.

He threw the vibrator across the room, knowing it’d break and she’d demand a new one later, but maybe she’ll keep him around (since when was this on her terms?)

He kissed a path down her body, her neck, her sternum, her lace trapped stomach, down her inner thighs, Clarke shivered and gasped whenever the melting ice touched her skin and Bellamy fucking loved every moment of it.

“ _Please, Bell_ ,” her broken and distant voice begged and he loved that too. Over a month without her and he was about to bust a nut just from teasing her. God, he was pathetic.

“Please what baby?”

“I—I need your mouth on me,” she wiggled, barely trying to show him.

“You need me?” She groaned, but nodded vehemently and Bellamy smirked. “Ice or no ice?”

“Ice, Bellamy,” she gasped when he sucked too roughly on her thigh, soothing it with lashes of his tongue.

He let up, sitting up and looking down at her wrecked form spread out before him. He’d love to come home to this every night, she was perfect and he told her she was while he clambered back up her body to get another ice cube.

Sucking the frozen cube into his mouth, he didn’t feel it, mouth numb from the last one he’d just swallowed. He grinned at Clarke writhing under him from the ice on her nipples melting and sliding down her breasts and around her ribs. The freezing water causing goose bumps to break out across her body.

Bellamy brought the ice to his lips and let it do its work on her clit, her thighs tightening around his head with a broken gasp escaping Clarke’s throat. He loves that sound.

He grabbed another piece of ice, bringing the whole bowl down to him, he held one in his hand, stroking it between her lips and teasing her opening as she writhed and bucked under him, begging for more, begging for _him_.

If Clarke would let him he would eat her out for days, with and without ice, but after a certain number of orgasms, she’s always begging for his dick. She wants him to fuck her and he’s never going to say no. Grinding against the mattress only gets him so far…

“Bell,” she breathed, and it’s the breathy ones that get him, that nearly bring him over the edge while his dick’s wedged between his stomach and the mattress.

He lapped into her before pulling her clit into his mouth and sucking, her gasps loud and raw and fucking amazing as he grazed his teeth against it, her hips bucking up violently. He wouldn’t care of her pelvis broke his nose as long as she got off at least twice.

“Bellamy, please. _Please,_ I need you to fuck me,” she said and it was simple and coherent and made Bellamy feel completely inadequate since she wasn’t blissed out of her mind.

“Princess, did you…”

“Yeah, like three times. Now get the hell up here!” she growled and Bellamy climbed back up her body, leaving a trail of kisses on skin in his wake.

“I didn’t bring any condoms.”

“I’m on the pill.”

Bellamy sighed, he knew she was but it’s not completely effective and the thought of bringing a child into the world was definitely not what he needed. “Yeah, but—“

“I’m clean, you’re clean unless you fucked someone and—”

“I didn’t.”

She looked away, “You could have.”

“Clarke—“

Her eyes locked back onto his and she bit her lip before saying, “Please, Sir. _Please_ fuck me.” As her hands trailed down his chest to unbutton his pants.

“Fuck, babe, yeah, get them off.”

Clarke pushed his pants as far down as she could and Bellamy kicked them off the rest of the way and he looked down at her in awe, God, she’s a vision. He could literally look at her forever and be happy in life.

Her hand snaked between them and grasped his shaft, giving a long, slow stroke before guiding him to her entrance, angling her hips in a way that pulled him in and fuck, he wanted nothing more than this in life.

He pushed in all the way and pressed a sweet kiss on her chin, completely missing her mouth, it was too intimate too much for him when he didn’t know what they were and that dampened the mood too. What was she thinking? What was she hoping for? Did she want more than sex? Did she want him at all?

“Bell, Bellamy, come back,” she said, stroking her thumb across his cheek. “Look at me, I’m here, I’m with you. Don’t leave, I hate when you leave.”

He grimaced, wondering how many times he’s left the physical present and delve in the depths of his mind, thinking about anything other than what they’re doing, how it could be their last time, how he craved getting lost in her but held back, choosing to get lost in himself instead, keeping that distance they needed, or so he thought.

“Bell, please, I need you here,” she cried and he snapped out of it, his eyes focusing back on her face and her hurt expression and tears pooling in her eyes.

“Shit, I’m sorry.”

“Where do you go?”

Bellamy sighed and pulled away, sitting back on his heels. “Away.”

“Jesus, Bellamy. You can’t even tell me that?”

“No, I just hate that I do it.”

She grimaced and sat up, curling up against the headboard. “So then why do you?”

“Because it’s too much.”

“Sex with me is too much?”

“Sex with you while not knowing what we’re doing is.”

Clarke grimaced and Bellamy swore there’s a flicker of anger in her eyes. She got up and walked across the room to the bathroom door and Bellamy desperately wanted to turn and look at her. “It’s been a year, Bellamy. You should know what you want from me by now.”

The door slammed and Bellamy fell onto the mattress, not knowing if she wanted him to go or stay.


	6. Three Little Words

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Miller, Lincoln, and I hope you enjoy this chapter. They're in it.

Clarke walked into the office on Monday and was stopped by Miller. “What’s up?”

“What are you doing here?” he asked, brows knit together.

“I’m going to my desk, why?”

“You’re on the thirtieth floor.”

“What do you mean?”

“You haven’t spoken to Bellamy?” he grimaced.

“Mr. Blake and I haven’t spoken since Friday.”

“I thought he’d have told you.”

Clarke thought about it for a moment before realizing that Bellamy and Miller were friends in college and they’re still friends now so odds are that Miller knows they’ve been… whatever Bellamy told him they were.

“He didn’t want to talk about work.”

“Hmm, okay, well, you’re on the thirtieth floor and Lincoln is your supervisor.”

“What am I doing exactly?”

“Illustration.”

“Really?” she grimaced. Why would Bellamy want her to work in illustrating and not at his desk?

“He emailed me this morning saying that’s where you’re going.”

“Huh, could I speak to him?”

“He’s busy.”

“I know his schedule, he doesn’t have a meeting this morning. Miller, please, I need to talk to him.”

Miller stepped aside, “He’s not going to be happy.”

“Fuck his happiness,” she grumbled, storming towards the corner office with the frosted windows.

She didn’t knock, she didn’t even consider it, just stormed in and gave him that look she knew he knew meant he was in trouble.

“What do you need?” he didn’t even look up, his eyes glued to the computer as he typed frantically.

“Why am I moving to the thirtieth?”

“Because you’re an artist and you’re wasting your talent when you’re sitting at my desk.”

“Shouldn’t I be consulted about it instead of ambushed by Miller?”

“It’s a pay raise and something you actually like doing instead of working under a tyrant.”

Clarke sighed, deflating slightly, “You know I didn’t mean it like that.”

“You know I’m your boss and I’m giving you what you want.”

“I want you to be fucking real with me for once!”

Bellamy sighed and sat back in his chair, looking up at her with indifference. “What would you like me to say, Ms Griffin?”

“Are you pushing me away because of Friday?”

“My private life does not interfere with my work.”

“Bellamy—“

“Ms Griffin, the work day has begun, please get to work.”

“I hate you,” she breathed and turned, walking out of his office and back to the elevator.

She stepped off at the thirtieth floor and looked around. She’s never seen these people in her life and she’s working with them now, she spotted Lincoln in the corner and sighed with relief as she headed towards him.

“Clarke,” he greeted. “So glad you’re here. What do you know about ships?”

“Absolutely nothing.”

“Perfect. Follow me, we’ll discuss your first project,” he said walking away from whoever’s work space they were just at without as much as an introduction.

They walked into an actual office and Lincoln closed the door. “As far as I know, I’m in charge because promoting you to art director would look suspicious. I don’t know what I’m doing.”

“Lincoln, you taught me half of what I know, you’re awesome.”

“Half true, you were a great student with raw talent and wouldn’t listen to anyone. I swear you can look at something and know the technique instantly.”

“Lincoln, until two minutes ago, I didn’t even know this place existed. If it were up to me, I’d still be working Bell—Mr. Blake’s desk.”

“Bellamy..?”

“O’s brother.”

“Mm-hmm, sure.”

“Lincoln, please don’t. He refuses to talk to me.”

“Then why is your first scheduled meeting today a lunch with him?”

“What?”

Lincoln handed her a piece of paper that held all the information about a lunch meeting with her and Bellamy Blake. She was half furious and wanted to just Postmate something in to spite him. He left Friday night, he was the one that left without a word, that wouldn’t give her two minutes to go to the bathroom before they talked. He’s the one that sent her five floors away at work because he can’t even look at her.

Clarke scoffed and crumpled the paper in her hand, “He’s not who I want to see right now.”

“Okay. Do you want to start working on something or do you want to trade jobs? I’m in over my head here.”

“Yeah, give me something to do, I need to get our douche of a boss out of my head.”

Lincoln didn’t say anything, just gave her a list of novels that need cover pages and Clarke picked an empty desk and began sketching ideas.

The one thing Clarke has always loved about drawing was how quickly time seemed to pass when she was so focused on a piece of art. She had three ideas for one of the novels Lincoln gave her and she was going to hand them in to him when she found Bellamy standing in front of her with his arms crossed and an annoyed grimace.

“We had a twelve o’clock.”

“No, you had a twelve o’clock, I had ideas to sketch. I’m an illustrator now, not a time keeper,” she grumbled pushing past him towards Lincoln’s office to hand in her ideas so far.

“Why are you so mad?” he asked, following her. The illustration department was just Lincoln and Clarke so far so he could be open about whatever they were. He wouldn’t have shown up otherwise. “I wanted to talk, like you did this morning, but unlike then, I have time now.”

Clarke was in the doorway of Lincoln’s office and he looked up when she spun around to glare at Bellamy, “And I don’t.”

“You have a lunch break,” Lincoln commented, cutting in, though they were at his office so they were technically interrupting him.

“You have a lunch break,” Bellamy smirked, mimicking his brother-in-law to be.

Clarke scowled at Lincoln while handing over the sketches, “Thanks, Lincoln.” She walked out and turned back to Bellamy. “Why the hell should I talk to you after you walked out Friday?”

“Because…” he started, glancing over his shoulder at Lincoln’s open door. “I love you.” It was a statement, kind of like he didn’t care if Lincoln knew, only caring that she did.

Clarke scoffed at him, “No, you wouldn’t have reacted like that if you love me. You would have… you don’t. You can’t because you’re not capable. Octavia is one thing, she’s your family, but _love_ , romantic love… you don’t understand the concept.”

“I do love you, if it isn’t how you want then talk to me, show me how to love you,” he pleaded and she looked up into his eyes and saw how heartfelt and devastated he was. “Please,” he added softer.

Clarke sighed, of course she’s wanted this, she loves him too. “I shouldn’t have to show you. I want to be with you, Bellamy, but you can’t just check out because it’s too much. And by the way, _too much_ is bullshit for scared.”

“What do you want? Princess, just tell me what you want and I’ll do it.”

“I want you present. I want you to consider what I want,” she deflated. “I didn’t want you walking out.”

“Okay, I’m sorry. Will you, please, come to lunch with me?”

She didn’t answer. She didn’t know if she could be with him after him walking out Friday night and showing up to work this morning with a new job she didn’t want or ask for. “How much of a raise?”

“Fifty percent.”

“Hmm,” she thought about it. Still under fifty grand a year, she’d have made fifty-five if she’d made editor.

“Good?” he wondered.

“Did you create a whole department for me?”

Bellamy looked at the floor and the muscle in his jaw ticked, his tell.

“Bellamy,” she pressed.

“I love you and I want you to be happy. I thought that maybe illustration would be a good job for you.”

“I paint at home, I didn’t want my job to be the thing I loved because I didn’t want to hate it and lose who I am.”

“Oh, I—I thought that maybe—“

“How much does Miller make?”

“I can’t tell you that.”

“If this is my department and you based your prognosis off the paintings hanging in my apartment, I need a better work ethic because I still don’t think any of them are done or that they _say_ anything.”

“What do you want to say?”

“I want the salary I’d have as though I did get the editor position.”

“You deserve more than that. You do more than just cover art, Clarke, you interpret the story and give it a visual. I know you so I trust you can do that. Prove it to me. Three pieces and then I’ll give you that raise we both know you deserve.”

“And Lincoln?”

“He’s an artist that needed a job and I knew you’d be able to work well with him,” he smiled.

“You do know he’s seeing Octavia.”

“Yes, I do and you know how the saying goes, ‘keep your friends close and your enemy’s closer.”

Clarke smirked, he would think Octavia’s boyfriend as an enemy of the state. “I want sushi.”

“Your wish is my command,” he nodded, gesturing for her to walk ahead of him to the elevators.


	7. The Roast of Bellamy Blake

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been a while, but to be fair, I've been going through some shit and The 100 hasn't been on so inspiration is lacking on this one... IDK...  
> Rereading this before I posted and I acquired some inspiration again for the next chapter...

Bellamy sat on the couch and sighed, a Stella in one hand and a plate of finger food in the other. He didn’t want to be there. He’s their fucking boss for God’s sake, not their friend. Yeah, he’s Miller’s friend, but he’s also his boss too. It’s just another time where he has to keep his distance from Clarke. She’s across Monty’s apartment talking to Harper and Octavia.

He tries not looking at her, he does, but he can’t help it. He also can’t help thinking about the burgundy lingerie she sent him a picture of an hour before he arrived. He could have said no, he should have and he should have called her to come over. He’s pining after her from across the room and he hates it. He can’t touch her here and he wants to touch her, he wants to run his mouth over her soft pale skin and bring her to infinite euphoria.

“Dude, you’ve been sitting here for an hour, not talking to anyone with this hateful glare over your face,” Miller smirked sitting next to him.

“Why am I here? These people work for me.”

“ _These people_ are just people, Blake. They have feelings and opinions and they want to know you for you because they don’t believe me when I tell them that you’re actually fun.”

“I’m not,” he grumbled, forcing down some warm beer holding back a gag.

“You can be if you let loose, but you reserve that for the Princess now, don’t you?”

“Shut up, Miller.”

“That’s usually Murphy, I feel like I’ve been downgraded.”

“Well, you’re annoying me like he does.”

“God forbid someone tries pulling you out of your comfort zone to make everyone else’s lives less worrisome.”

“Worrisome?”

“Your wordsmithing has rubbed off on me boss,” he smirked.

“I could be reading a manuscript,” he sighed.

“Then go. Really, you don’t have to be here, Monty and Harper will understand that you have the biggest stick up your ass.”

“Miller…”

“Hey,” he heard a soft voice say over his shoulder and he looked over and Clarke was leaning over the back of the couch with a smile splaying across her soft, plump lips. “Are you going to sit here alone all night or are you going to get to know any of the people that work for you?”

“Honestly, I’m waiting to take you home.”

Clarke chuckled, “Dream on, boss man.”

He smirked, “Don’t be a pariah talking to the boss.”

“ _The boss_ was invited as a fun guest and he’s neglecting half his title role, put up or get out.”

“Don’t challenge me, Princess. I’m plenty fun and you know it.”

“So show your fun side and let loose,” she smiled and Bellamy knew she was drunk the moment her lips landed on his cheek. There was also the sobering effect of everyone in the room whooping as they watched.

“Who’d you tell?”

“There’s nothing to tell,” she chuckled pulling away and back towards the rest of their coworkers.

He wanted this, he reminded himself, he wanted to see her outside work and their apartments—her apartment—but a party with everyone they work with and his sister was too much too soon and there definitely wasn’t enough sober people to make sure that everyone gets home safely.

“Come on, worrywart, pick a drinking game and we’ll all play,” she called out and the entire room cheered and Bellamy groaned. He’s too old for drinking games.

“Griffin,” he countered with a stern grimace.

“Blake,” she smiled.

“You’re going to regret this.”

“Not as much as you are,” she sang.

“Never Have I Ever… had an affair with my boss,” he smirked, eyes steady on her and she scoffed taking a sip along with Miller and Harper and Lincoln… which he didn’t need to know.

“Never have I ever done the cinnamon challenge twice in a row on a dare,” she countered quickly and Bellamy glared at Miller before taking a drink.

Miller shrugged in response, “They needed to know why I’m friends with you when you have such a stick up your ass and a superiority complex.”

Bellamy groaned and looked around for the next person to step up to the plate. Octavia.

“Never have I ever said the same phrase to the same person for a week straight and nothing else.”

Bellamy groaned and took another shot. “This just turned into the roast of Bellamy.”

Clarke, Octavia and Harper smirked. “You’ve given everyone a lot of ammunition over the years. We need to humanize you,” Harper smirked. “The words of Miller and Octavia aren’t enough to convince us you have a soul… or personality.”

“Harsh,” Clarke smirked and Bellamy glared at her. “Still true,” she agreed, eyes locked on his.

“Never have I ever seduced a coworker,” Harper said.

Octavia and Lincoln looked to each other and downed a shot. Bellamy, Monty, Emori and Miller joined them and Bellamy glared at Miller in question. Bellamy had Clarke, Monty and Harper. Emori and Murphy used to work together before she started working for Bellamy in HR, but Miller he didn’t know.

“Bryan,” he said simply and refilled everyone’s shot glasses.

“I forgot about him. Sorry.”

Miller shrugged, “Never have I ever punched a guy for touching my sister.”

Bellamy groaned, “It was more like torture and I’ve apologized countless times.”

“You have?” Lincoln smirked, they’ve moved past it but it still happened so Bellamy downed his shot apologizing to him again, avoiding Clarke’s probing glare. He’s sure Octavia told her about it back in college when it happened, but she probably forgot thinking she’d probably never meet Bellamy and yet here she is four years later working for him and… more…

* * *

Clarke woke up with a bass drum bumping through her head, groaning she rolled over to get the sun off her face, wondering why her blackout curtains weren’t working and her head hit something hard yet soft and she peeked through her eyelashes at what it was. Bellamy’s shoulder. She shot straight up out of bed and grimaced at him before noticing that they weren’t her burgundy sheets beneath him, they were an oxford blue. Grey vaulted ceiling above them and a balcony out the one wall of windows. How did she—why are they—?

She sat back on the bed, her head hurting too much to think about what happened last night or how they’d gotten there instead of her apartment. They’re always at her apartment.

“Our coworkers are evil,” he groaned behind her, touching her hand that was holding her upright.

She pulled away without a word. She’s in a Stanford t-shirt. His Stanford t-shirt, she went to USC with Octavia. “You’ve never brought me here before,” she said softly. She wasn’t hurt exactly, but it was weird that they’ve been doing this—hooking up or whatever—for a year and she’s never seen his apartment.

“I thought it was easier.”

“Another one of your walls.”

Bellamy sighed behind her and the mattress moved under her and his legs were on either side of her, his fingers tracing her spine over the cotton shirt. “Yes, one of my walls. You deserve better than me.”

Clarke sighed, she didn’t want anyone other than him. “I know, but it’s not what I want.”

“What do you want?”

“What happened last night?”

“Everyone roasted each other through _Never Have I Ever…_ I had fun, you pushed me into it and we took an Uber back here because I couldn’t remember your address. You passed out and I carried you up and changed you and here we are.”

“We didn’t…”

“Unconscious isn’t my type, babe,” he chuckled, kissing her shoulder and it took everything in her power to not turn her head and kiss him.

“So what is your type?”

“You.”

Clarke scoffed, “What a line.”

“Not a line. I went for anything I thought was attractive before I met you and now I can’t see any other woman but you.”

“Still corny.”

“Corny but true.”

Clarke stood and looked down at Bellamy sitting on the bed watching her. “I don’t know what to do with you,” she shook her head. “I just… you have these impossible mood swings. You’re a cocky bastard and an overprotective brother and a sadist and the mom friend and tyrannical boss. There’s a ton more that I’m excluding but I never know what Bellamy I’m going to get.”

“Clarke…” he sighed, moving to the edge of the bed, taking her hand in his and she couldn’t will herself to pull away. “Every version of Bellamy Blake is in love with you. Yeah, I’m a sadist, but I’m also a masochist with you.”

“Bellamy,” she uttered. “I don’t want to live my life on the offensive. Like it’s a game that has no winner or loser. I’ve lived that life, it’s how I was raised and it was my last relationship. I want a life I can relax in. I want to come home and make dinner and talk about my day, annoyed or happy. Having my significant other do the same. Some days you walked in the door and demanded sex. No words, you threw me over your shoulder and put me in whatever position in whichever room you chose. It was hot but it’s also not okay, what if I didn’t want to?”

“You’d tell me. You’ve told me.”

His eyes were pleading, begging for her to tell him that he didn’t do the savage act she knew he was thinking about.

“I’ve told you no when you were savagely fucking me like I was a lowly possession and not a person with feelings. I’ve never actually said no to sex with you. I’m more afraid of what will cause it to happen.”

Bellamy nodded, looking down at the ground to think for a moment, letting Clarke’s hand slip from his.

“I will do anything for you, Princess,” he said, his head still bowed.

“You’d give up control?” Clarke dared, not completely certain she meant it.

“Yes.”


	8. Nostalgia

Clarke sat at her desk, sucking at her job. She couldn’t get Bellamy’s promise Sunday morning out of her head and it was driving her insane that she couldn’t do anything about it. Her ideas sucked and Lincoln was giving her weird looks all morning at the usual Monday meetings making her question what happened after Never Have I Ever Saturday night. Bellamy said they were all sufficiently drunk and she’s handsy when she’s drunk which isn’t good when she’s been staying away from him and horny as hell with the loss of his impeccable dick and implausible stamina. Seriously, that man can refrain for hours on end, and he’s proved it a few times when she was so sore and he hadn’t come once.

Her computer pinged, notifying her of an inner office chat request.

 **BBlakeCEO:** Lunch?

 **CGriffinAAD:** This is how you properly ask for lunch.

 **CGriffinAAD:** What were you thinking?

 **BBlakeCEO:** All right, smart ass. No sushi for you.

 **CGriffinAAD:** Not fair, I’m always a smart ass, it can’t suddenly be a condition.

 **BBlakeCEO:** 12:30.

Clarke smiled, wishing she were seeing him now, but she’ll take lunch, even if it… two hours away, how was it only 10:30?

“Clarke, what’s going on?” Lincoln asked at her door.

“What do you mean?”

“Your work has been slacking the last few weeks.”

“I—okay, full disclosure. And you’re sworn to secrecy.”

“You’re sleeping with Bellamy and it’s been a month since it’s last happened because he’s been an asshole and doing things he shouldn’t have if he wants to make it a relationship and not just casual fucking?” he guessed and Clarke just gaped at him.

“I’m dating his sister and you two are obvious if you know what to look for. I do because I practically did the same thing with O, though I was smitten with her and she’s a force and gets whatever she wants, me included.”

“Okay, since you know, that’s kind of it, I keep second guessing it which I don’t think I’ve ever done before. I—“

“Do you love him?”

“That doesn’t matter, he has to realize that how he’s acted isn’t appropriate in any relationship, even casual sex relationships.”

“Okay, I don’t need to know that about my girlfriend’s brother.”

“You asked what’s wrong.”

Lincoln shook his head, “Yeah, just… fix it.”

“I’m going to lunch at 12:30.”

“So is Bellamy.”

“We may be eating together,” she tried biting back her smile but Lincoln caught on.

“You’re a lost cause, Griffin.”

Clarke thought about everything that’s transpired this past year with Bellamy. The mind blowing sex, the sneaking around and secrets and though Clarke hated the secrecy but everything else was fun and it wasn’t just sex. He’d watch tv with her and order take out. They didn’t do birthdays or Christmas or Valentine’s Day which told Clarke everything she needed to know about their relationship and for the most part it was exactly that, casual sex, but she woke up one morning and he was still there. To see him that vulnerable, that relaxed, she had the urge to be the one to do that for him, to be the one that he could be vulnerable around and could help him relax.

“I love him.”

“I’m pretty sure I’m not the one you should be telling that to.”

“I’m pretty sure he won’t want to hear it.”

“He didn’t look at anyone but you Saturday, he wants to hear it.”

“I’m not going to say it, I can’t get hurt again and it’s what he does. He doesn’t know how to not hurt me.”

“Then why are you staying?”

“Because I love him,” she shrugged.

To be honest, she knew it was unhealthy, he was bad for her. There was a piece of her, deep down inside that whispered that she deserved it. Her father, Wells, Finn (and Raven), Lexa, she deserved everything he gave her. The anguish, the euphoria, the whiplash between the two, masochism was her normal.

Clarke’s morning seemed to drag on and when twelve thirty finally rolled and she was waiting at the elevator, the doors opened and Bellamy stood inside with his phone glued to his ear.

She grimaced and Bellamy did too, gesturing five minutes and nodded for her to get inside. She did, swearing if he wasn’t off the phone by twelve thirty five, she was getting sushi alone and charging it as a business expense.

“Yes, Mr. Emerson, I am aware that Miss Griffin’s position has changed… As her boss, I felt her talents were being wasted as my assistant and she’s too good an artist to let her spend her days reading books so I created our new illustration department for her… I can’t help you if you don’t make the required changes… No, I absolutely agree with you but you are under contract and even if you try to walk away, we will own your next three books with the amount of money you’ll be paying us back with your latest advance and breaking contract. So, would you rather work with Nathan Miller, an excellent senior editor who just so happens to also be a fan and will critique the story from not just an editorial standpoint but also a fan of the series or pay me ten million dollars you will owe me?”

Clarke’s jaw dropped before she promptly shut it, it’s not like she doesn’t have that money stashed from her inheritance from her father (and a trust fund she will never admit to having) but still, hearing Bellamy openly talking about that amount of money in a place other than a grand ball room filled with tuxedos and ball gowns, she wasn’t nearly prepared for it.

“All right, Mr. Emerson, thank you for understanding our staffing change and I will have my assistant let Miller know that he will be seeing you on Thursday. Have a good day.” He hung up and put his phone away without emailing his assistant—whoever her replacement was—and looked at her with a soft smile. “I’m sorry about that.”

“No, I—I should have called Emerson myself. I—I totally spaced and didn’t even think about my responsibilities.”

The elevator doors opened on the ground floor and they stepped out, walking past security and out to the sidewalk where Bellamy’s driver was waiting for them. Bellamy opened the door for her and closed it before getting in the other side.

“It’s not like Emerson is all over us, we’re a convenience for him. He’s not all over us like every other neurotic author we’ve contracted, he slipped through the cracks, it happens.”

The driver pulled out onto the street.

“Yeah, but this was because of me, because I switched jobs and—“

“Clarke, I switched your position unexpectedly, you didn’t want it. I’m not blaming you.”

“You’d blame Miller or Monty or Harper, don’t give me special treatment.”

“You deserve the world and I’m not going to stop short of giving that to you.”

“Bellamy, we talked about this…”

“No, you talked and I listened, disagreeing with everything you were saying. Have I not given you space?”

“No, you… you have.”

The car stopped and the driver stepped out and opened the door for Clarke and she stepped out, Bellamy following her.

“Mr. Blake, Miss Griffin, welcome back. Your table is waiting for you,” Keiji smiled at them, grabbing two menus and bringing them to the back of the restaurant to the last booth and Clarke let Bellamy sit facing the door, watching the exits. It felt like their first night all over again.

* * *

_“Clarke!” he called as he was leaving his office._

_“Yes, sir?”_

_“You’re new in town, do you need some take out places?”_

_“Yes, but I’m sure our tastes are vastly different.”_

_“What do you like?”_

_“Japanese, Thai, pizza.”_

_“I like those as well. Would you like to join me for some sushi tonight? I know the best Japanese food in town.”_

_“Um…” Clarke grimaced._

_“Not a date, an Angelino showing a newcomer the city’s secret splendors.”_

_“The city’s splendors?” She smirked._

_His attention went back to his computer, “Yeah, five thirty work for you?”_

_“Sure.”_

_“Okay, I’ll meet you in the lobby.”_

_They didn’t talk much on the drive to the restaurant or while they sat at the restaurant scouring the menu or waiting for their food and saki._

_“Octavia said you’re from Chicago,” he said after they ordered._

_“Yes and no, my grandparents lived there and I was born there, but I was raised in Manhattan. When I was deciding on schools, it jumped off the page and I’m grateful for finding Octavia there.”_

_“Yes, well, she wouldn’t shut up about how chill her roommate was.”_

_“I feel like you’re saying that in a derogatory manner but I’m still going to take it as a compliment.”_

_“As you should. So what brought you to LA?”_

_“Medical school. My mother’s a surgeon and it was always an unwritten agreement that I’d follow in her footsteps. I went to U of C for premed and med school at UCLA. I got my residency at CHLA and after all those years of studying and excelling in something I hated, I walked away. I didn’t want to live my life in a hospital, I want to help people, but saving their life and them moving on doesn’t really impact them, doesn’t leave a memorable mark. The scar reminds them what they went through, not the doctor who helped them, you know? You do that with books, most of the books you publish have an underlying message behind it that sticks with people. I read Fruition and it changes how I saw sexuality, it was inspiring._

_“I mean I’m bisexual so I understood the attraction to of the same sex and the opposite but transgender, pansexual, asexual, the rest, I admit that I was shortsighted towards them, open armed but not fully understanding. I understand more now and all because of that book,” she said and looked over at the couple walking to a table across the room from where they sat in the back corner. Lexa, shit. She looked back to Bellamy who had a soft smile on his face she’s never seen before._

_“Clarke, this isn’t a test, you don’t have to read anything from our library, you can work here. You’re actually the best secretary I’ve ever had and it’s only been a week.”_

_“I’m definitely not taking that as a compliment until I’m on Donna’s level.”_

_Bellamy grimaced, not knowing the reference and who would, no one openly admits to watching Suits._

_“A character in a TV show, she does everything for her boss before he asks her to and it’s rather inspiring but she’s also worked for him for like a decade so they’re in sync, but she’s also regrettably in love with him so it’s also a shit show when she gets fired for missing something she claimed to never have seen but was stamped with her name. Come to find out it was planted evidence backdated and her boss begs for her to come back and she gets the raise she wants but also has to see her beloved boss actually falling for another woman, breaking her heart. I’m sorry, I talk a lot when I’m nervous and I don’t know why I’m nervous besides the fact that my ex is here with her new girlfriend.”_

_“Okay, now that I know what’s actually going on, don’t worry about it. You’re here with me, not her.”_

_They talked while they ate and Bellamy asked if she needed a ride home, his town car was waiting at the curb, Clarke accepted. Her car was one of the things she had to give up but Raven lived a few buildings over and Blake Publishing was on the way to her lab so Clarke caught a ride in the morning and took the bus in the evening, Miller actually rode with her until his stop which was three before hers which was nice to learn._

_“Clarke,” Bellamy said when they pulled up to her apartment building._

_“Yes, Mr. Blake?”_

_“I want to walk you up, make sure you get in safely.”_

_“That makes tonight feel like a date and it’s not.”_

_“I’m aware. Still, I’d worry all weekend.”_

_“Then walk me up,” Clarke agreed, not knowing that she was going to kiss his cheek when her key was in the door. Or that he’d hold her waist to him and look at her with impossibly dark eyes. Or that he’d whisper how much he wanted to fuck her while gnawing on her earlobe, or that she’d let him do just that, bending her over the arm of her sofa._

* * *

“Do you remember the first time we were here?” she asked, dipping her green dragon roll into her wasabi/soy sauce combo, pointedly not looking at him.

“Dinner at the end of your first week. You were nervous, wearing that pale pink blouse with the black skirt. Your hair was shorter and you were rambling at first because you were nervous, but then because your ex walked in with another girl. You’re cute when you’re flustered.”

“That was the last time I was flustered around you.”

“That seems to be a correct statement,” he nodded, popping his rainbow roll in his mouth.

“Why me?”

“Why you what?”

“Why did you choose me?”

He put his chopsticks down and takes her hand from across the table and Clarke wanted to pull away, but his touch… something about his touch always soothed her, calmed her racing heart and slowed its breaking. “I—in that moment you were there, but after that night I couldn’t stop thinking about you. I never had that, where I couldn’t stop thinking about someone I screwed. I liked it and I kept coming back for more, always needing more.”

“You needed to fuck me?”

“I need you. I mean it when I say that I love you. I’m not going to push you, I know I can’t. I just wanted you to know that Friday afternoons I’m not going to be in the office.”

Clarke grimaced, “Okay? You never take time off, are you okay?”

“I’m fine, I just have some things to deal with so I’m taking time on Fridays.”

“You didn’t have to tell me, we’re—we’re not…”

“I know, but I don’t want you thinking I’m running around with other women. I don’t think I can stop wanting you.”

Clarke shook her head in disbelief, “Bellamy, you have to stop. It hurts enough as it is, I don’t want to hear about any of this. I really shouldn’t work for you anymore either but I’m actually having fun with my assignments. Could you not make it any harder?”

“That isn’t my intention. Clarke, I heard you the other day, I heard what you want and…”

“Bellamy, please, we aren’t good for each other.” She sighed, pulling the napkin off her lap and stood to leave.

“Clarke!” Bellamy called after her, but Clarke was already at the exit, moving as swiftly as possible.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter is a three month time jump, but we find out where Bellamy's been going on Friday afternoons. Totally worth it.


	9. Help from My... Therapist

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ATTENTION: depictions of rape, heavy drug use and alcohol abuse.
> 
> If any or all are triggers for you and you proceed, don't yell at me about this triggering you, you have been forewarned and should refrain from reading any and all of this monstrosity of a chapter.
> 
> You have been warned.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Horrible things happen in this chapter and I'm not sorry. Bellamy has been through some shit and is opening up about it but also being a dick and vaguely talking around it while also saying exactly what happened. I don't want to spoil anything, but I have to and for that I AM sorry... for myself, because I hate spoilers.
> 
> I wrote this while watching every movie in the Harry Potter franchise. It's an obsession, whenever it's on, I'm watching.
> 
> This is sixteen pages long on Microsoft Word and I am not sorry.

**BELLAMY:**

“You’ve been coming to me for three months and you haven’t told me why you have these urges, just that you want them to stop,” Echo said and Bellamy breathed, it’s suppressed, but not so much as he’d thought… wanted to think it was.

“I don’t want to talk about that.”

“Bellamy, you keep talking about your princess, about how she wants you to be with her in the moment. Whatever this memory is that keeps you from her, talking about it will help. That’s why you come here.”

“I don’t want to talk about that.”

“Was it your step-father?”

“I can walk out of here any time I want! I don’t want to talk about him!” Bellamy yelled at Echo. She didn’t deserve it.

“That is why you are here, to better yourself, become the better version of you. Your words from our first session.”

“I—“ he sighed.

“We can sit here again for the next thirty-five minutes or we can talk about what you need to talk about.”

“My father died when I was three. I don’t remember him, I wish I did, I feel like I’d understand some things about myself more. My mother met Cage when I was four, he… he didn’t care for me. My mom tried to include me in the things they did but he gave her drugs, I don’t really know what but she was an addict by the time Octavia was born. I was in charge of my baby sister since I was seven and I don’t regret it, but I also wish I had a childhood.”

“Do you blame Cage for getting your mom addicted and making you raise your sister when you were just a child yourself?”

“To an extent. She was a recovering addict before I was born, she tried to better herself for me, for my father, she knew she couldn’t have a family and have an addiction that took money away from us. I blame him for bringing alcohol back into the house, not caring about her over indulgence.”

Echo nodded, writing her notes, which drove Bellamy crazy. “What did he do to you specifically?” she asked, leaning forward, elbows on her clipboard clad knees.

“I’m not talking about that.”

“Bellamy, it’s the only way. You came to me for help, to become a better version of yourself but you won’t let me in. I know you’ve been having a sexual relationship with your assistant and you claim to be in love with her and she doesn’t believe you due to the aspects of your relationship, though that hasn’t been touched upon either. You’re overbearing towards your sister and her boyfriend who’s clearly been wanting to propose for a while, but respects or fears you too much to do anything about that.”

“He doesn’t fear me.”

“Respect then. You won’t expand on any of it, you’ve complained about your job and stress, but you haven’t gone past skin deep. If you don’t tell me what Cage did to you, then at least tell your princess.”

“She can’t know!”

“Could we have her at a session? Help her understand your side?”

“You want Princess to come here? So she can mock me?”

“If she cares for you as I’ve been lead to believe she does, she wouldn’t mock you. We could also get a better view of her perspective.”

“Like marriage counselling?”

“Sure, but I’m a sex therapist first and foremost.”

“You’re serious?”

“Yes, we could add an extra hour on after this one with her here if you’d like.”

“Two hours of therapy?”

Echo nodded, “If that’s what you’d like.”

“No, just the one with her and I’ll ask her. I don’t want you calling her and having her worrying about something as minute as therapy.”

“That is why you’re not letting this work, you don’t believe it will.”

“You really want to know what Cage did to me? He sold me to his friends to buy drugs for my mother so she wouldn’t know he was cheating on her with some twat upstairs because she’s too out of it. I was raped by forty year old men from the age of eight until I was thirteen. I couldn’t do anything about it because who the hell would believe me and mostly, who would take care of Octavia?”

“You were a child, why would you lie about that?”

“I didn’t think like that as a child. My nose was shoved in books, I didn’t learn of CPS until I was thirteen and I threatened Cage, he believed me. He was out within the week and my mother lost her drug supply and she tried being a mother again, she got clean, went to NA meetings, got a job that barely paid the rent so she got another one, she worked eighty hours a week until I was eighteen and we found out she contracted HIV from one of the used needles Cage supplied her with and by the time we found out it was full blown AIDS. I was twenty when she died and O was thrown into my custody because Cage was incarcerated.”

“He—“ Echo shook her head, she’d probably never imagined his childhood as such a horrible one, the pain he endured, the torture. She probably regrets asking. “He did horrible things to you. Things you didn’t deserve.”

“Selling a child to men so they could rape him,” Bellamy swallowed. Saying it, admitting it, it wears on a person.

“It’s never going to be easy to say, but the weight will lift ever so slightly every time you say it out loud.”

“I don’t want to say it, I don’t want to think about my childhood and what that man put me through.”

“And so you escaped through books, which you turned into a career. You turned the worst part of your life into something you can be proud of.”

“I wanted to publish books that told a story, held a message for the kids out there who have it just as bad as I did. Get them out of their reality and into a fantasy or be inspired by real people, ordinary people who were hurting, who had bad lives and worked their asses off to make something of themselves. I’ve lost track of that, I’ve gotten too consumed by the money and prestige, that I’ve strayed off course. The original goal was to pay for Octavia’s college, but she’s been out for three years, she’s a paralegal and absolutely loving it. I should get back to what my plan was, be the man that Princess heard about from her college roommate.”

“Your Princess was your sister’s college roommate?”

“Yeah, and Octavia has no idea, or maybe she does and is just letting us figure it out.”

“Bellamy, this girl is seven years younger than you, she’s twenty-four, you’re certain she’s serious about being in a relationship with you?”

“She’s not like other twenty-four year olds, she doesn’t go to the bar and get wasted on the weekends, she plays Boggle and occasionally Cards Against Humanity with her friends while drinking wine and discussing politics. I didn’t do that when I was twenty-four, I was at the bar, drinking my childhood memories away, finding that night’s girl. I was an asshole that needed to have sex that didn’t give me flashbacks of old men riding me bareback, I found that with her.”

“And yet you keep leaving her. That’s what you wrote down on your form, you’re absentminded during sex and you’re worried that she’ll say no and you won’t hear her.”

“I don’t know where I go, it gets to be too much and I space out, coming back when I’m coming on her back,” he smirked.

“Bellamy, this is serious. Do you remember doing that with other women or just Princess?”

“Stop calling her that, her name is Clarke.”

“Clarke, okay.” Echo looked at the clock behind Bellamy and grimaced, “Our time is up, but this is some really great progress. Bring Clarke with you on Friday.”

“If I can, we haven’t really talked since I started coming here.”

Echo grimaced, “We can discuss that on Friday.”

Bellamy nodded and stood, “Thanks, Doc.”

* * *

**CLARKE:**

“I just found this out two weeks ago because Bell’s been acting strange when I see him and I figured out why, he’s seeing a therapist.”

Clarke nearly spit her whiskey across the bar. “What?”

Octavia grimaced at her, “I thought you knew his schedule like it were your own.”

“I haven’t been his secretary for three months. He’s seeing a therapist?”

“Yeah, she’s apparently been helping him see things differently, like how they really are instead of how he interpreted it. His childhood wasn’t great, mine wasn’t either but I didn’t go through half of what he did. I just didn’t think he’d need a therapist to figure it all out.”

“When did he start going?”

“It’s Friday afternoons so whenever he began leaving work early on Fridays.”

“Three months. It’s been three months, we had lunch the morning after Harper’s party and he said he was going to be leaving early on Fridays and he was telling me in case I had to ask him something. I guess it makes sense, Lincoln says he has been calmer at the Monday morning meetings.”

“You haven’t been going to the meetings?”

“It’s for department heads, I’m not a department head so I don’t go.”

“Clarke, I don’t know what happened between you two but you both have been acting weird for months and you’re avoiding each other.”

“We’re not, we’re both busy with different schedules.”

“Clarke, did you fall for him?”

“It’s not like that, O, I… I didn’t want this promotion and he forced me to take it.”

“You’re an amazing artist, Clarke, why hide that?”

“I’m not trying to hide it, O, I just wanted to have an actual gallery opening and now I can’t because my hand is exhausted by the end of the work day and I have a ton of errands to do on the weekends that I don’t have time then either.”

“I didn’t know, did you tell him that?”

“Yes, he just… he thinks this is good for me and it is, it’s fun and challenging, but also not what I want to be working on.”

Octavia sighed and downed the rest of her martini. “I really don’t know what to tell you, I thought this job would be for a few months until you find the job you want, not become your life like it has. What’s keeping you there really?”

“Nothing, I mean, I like everyone, and they’re all nice. The only person that’s relatively unkind is Bellamy and that’s because he’s stressed.”

“I don’t think he’s had sex in a while, there are no girls or hint of girls in his apartment like there used to be. He’s… different.”

“I’ve noticed. He’s distant at work and less angry, I don’t think he’s yelled at or humiliated anyone since therapy started.”

“Huh, that’s interesting,” Octavia grimaced before ordering another drink from Gina.

* * *

To: [CGriffinAAD@blakepublishing.com](mailto:CGriffinAAD@blakepublishing.com)

From: [BBlakeCEO@blakepublishing.com](mailto:BBlakeCEO@blakepublishing.com)

Sent: 8:37am Monday, October 16, 2017

Subject: Friday, October 20, 2017

 

Miss Griffin,

Please clear your schedule and come with me this Friday afternoon.

 

Bellamy Blake CEO

Blake Publishing

 

Clarke sighed, he wants her to go to therapy with him on Friday? Why would he want that? Maybe it’s his therapist’s idea? She didn’t know what to do with him sometimes. She opened inner office messenger and pulled up his name.

 **CGriffinAAD:** May I come talk to you?

 **BBlakeCEO:** Concerning?

 **CGriffinAAD:** Your email, I’d rather talk to you in person.

 **BBlakeCEO:** Lunch?

 **CGriffinAAD:** I don’t have time for lunch but I can spare 10 minutes right now.

 **BBlakeCEO:** Fine, come up, you know it’s going to be longer than 10 minutes, the people up here miss you.

 **CGriffinAAD:** I miss them too, I don’t mind. I’ll be up in 5.

She logged off her computer and let Lincoln know where she was going before taking the elevator up to the thirtieth floor. She walked in and said hello to Mel at the front desk and heading into the bullpen with the gang of delinquents commonly known as Miller’s delinquent editors.

“Clarke!” Miller called from across the room of cubicles. “What are you doing here?”

“Mr. Blake called me up to his office. I’m just doing what the boss asks,” she lied.

“You know where it is. We miss you up here, you joined in on the ruckus. Your replacement doesn’t.”

“Niylah, she’s good at her job, very meticulous, I heard.”

“Not as fun as you though.”

“I appreciate that, Miller, but I really do have to get in there.”

“Go ahead, we’ll catch up later,” he nodded towards Bellamy’s office.

Clarke looked at Luna who just nodded at her before she knocked on Bellamy’s frosted door.

“Come in, Griffin,” his deep voice boomed, sending an all too familiar shiver down her spine.

She pushed open the door and walked into his office, the room hadn’t changed, why did she expect it to be any different than before?

The one thing that was different; Bellamy was sitting on the couch with a manuscript in his hands instead of at his desk typing away at his computer, she often wondered if he were one of their authors with the amount of time he spent typing away on his computer. “Come sit,” he said, closing the manuscript and sitting up more, giving Clarke all of his attention.

“I’d rather stand. I don’t think it’d be appropriate of me to go with you on Friday.”

Bellamy grimaced, “Octavia told you.”

“She found out and thought I could use it as ammunition because she doesn’t know that I already have plenty.”

“Clarke, Echo wants to meet you, she wants to see our interactions for herself.”

“After three months?”

“I told my side, I told her more than I thought I would tell anyone. It’s not that I trust her more than I trust you, I just never want you to look at me differently.”

“Shows how little you know me, I would never judge you for what you’ve been through. What you’ve suffered.”

“Clarke, I—I need you to know that I am sorry and I want to be with you. I don’t think that will ever change. I’m getting help so I can be with you and not do what I’ve done in the past. I want you to come with me on Friday so you can see how far I’ve come while also seeing that this is a process. I don’t know how long it’s going to take.”

“You can’t be doing this for me, Bellamy, it has to be for yourself.”

“Why can’t it be both? I didn’t see it until you, I do need help, I wasn’t deluding myself into believing that I was okay, I thought I could ignore it but I was angry over everything without even knowing it.

“We don’t need a moderator, but I think she’ll get a better understanding of what we’re like and—and she could help me help myself more.”

“I’m always going to help you, but I can’t read your mind. You have to tell me. I’m—I’ll be there, Bellamy.”

Clarke stood and leaned over him, pressing a kiss to his cheek. “I should get back to work, my boss is somewhat tyrannical.”

Bellamy chuckled, “I miss you up here.”

Clarke turned at the door and smiled at him. “I miss being up here,” she admitted before walking out of his office and back into the large room of cubicles.

“I heard you were up here,” she heard behind her and turned to find Harper smiling, walking close behind.

“Hey,” Clarke smiled. “Mr. Blake needed to discuss something on the Emerson cover art. An Easter egg.”

“An Easter egg?”

“Have you read the book?”

“Not my flavor of reading.”

“Yes, well, not mine either, but I read it and there were key facts that I couldn’t get out of my head while designing the cover so… Easter eggs.”

“He’s worried or—“

“No, no, he thought that removing a rather obvious one would be prudent, less apparent.”

They arrived at the elevator and Clarke pressed the down button. “We really do miss you up here,” Harper smiled.

“Why don’t we do lunch sometime next week? We can get back into the swing of things, I know I’ve been distant since your party, it’s just been a rough time for me and I’ve been throwing myself into work, I sometimes haven’t left until nine or ten at night. Lincoln has to find me things to work on, things that aren’t due for publishing for months, that are still in the process of editing and he’s almost forced me to take a vacation if I didn’t slow down. I’ve been bringing personal art to work and work on it because I have nothing else to do. Lincoln doesn’t either, he’s about to ask Bellamy to ask other publications for work for us.”

The elevator dinged, warning them of it opening momentarily.

“Clarke, you could call me. You could call any of us for company, talk about whatever it is you need to talk about. I know we met here, but work friends can turn into real friends.”

The elevator doors opened and a man Clarke didn’t recognize, who nodded to Harper stepped out of the elevator, towards the bullpen. “Who was that?”

“New guy, Riley. He’s not fun, too serious and not that great at his job.”

“Who really is though?” Clarke shrugged, stepping into the elevator. “Thank you, Harper, I’m serious about lunch next week though, maybe that Thai place we went to a few months back.”

“Sounds great,” Harper smiled when Clarke pressed the button for the twenty-fifth floor. “I’ll email you.”

“Okay. Later, Harper,” Clarke smiled as the doors closed and Clarke sighed, falling back against the mirrored wall.

Therapy. She’s going to therapy with Bellamy— _for_ Bellamy. Why is it that every time he asks her to do something, she jumps at the chance to be with him? Even when she knows she shouldn’t, even when it’s not in her best interest. He said he wanted to fuck her, she said yes. He asked her out after she finally put her foot down, she said yes. He told her his therapist wants to know their dynamic, even though they haven’t spent much time together in four months and the two before that weren’t that great either. Since their date they’ve barely spoken and that was early May, it’s nearly Thanksgiving. Why bring it up now?

* * *

Clarke stepped out of the elevator Friday at one and Bellamy was in the lobby waiting for her.

“Ready?” he asked, causing her to jump slightly.

“I guess. I don’t—“ she knows how therapy works, she went after her father died and… Wells, but that was for grief. This, with Bellamy, it’s completely different.

“We’ll go, she’ll ask questions and we’ll answer honestly, that’s all there is to it,” he said touching Clarke’s shoulder, as to lead her to his awaiting town car.

Clarke got in the car, Bellamy followed and when the driver closed the door, Clarke sighed, “What did you tell her about me?”

“Her name is Echo and I told her that we had a work relationship that turned physical. I needed you for sex and that was not acceptable for you and I tried stepping back and respecting that but I’d fallen in love with you without ever realizing it. I used that against you, coercing a date, a real date out of you as though we were two people who hadn’t had any relations before.” Bellamy placed his hand on top of hers in the middle of the leather seat between them, “I told her everything about us.”

“And she wants to meet me?”

“She’s a sex therapist, Clarke. She specializes in fetishes and BDSM, she started out in anger management, which is why I chose her. My compulsions and actions are not healthy.”

Clarke nodded, “We haven’t spoken in _months,_ Bellamy. How do you call that love?”

“I was giving you space like you wanted. I wanted to work on myself, see how therapy fared before trying to get you back.”

 _You never lost me_ , Clarke’s brain screamed at her unhealthily, urging her to tell him, to turn her hand over and interlock their fingers and not pull away like she knew she should, Her logic and her heart at war, fighting between what was right and good for her and what she wanted, not caring that it was bad for her and ultimately her psyche.

“We shouldn’t talk about this, we should wait. The meeting’s at two and it’s a twenty minute drive with no traffic, but this is LA, there’s nothing but traffic so it’ll probably take around fifty minutes, did you bring any work with you?”

“To a therapist’s office? No.”

Their ride was quiet and slow and by the end, Clarke was craving an iced latte.

“Do we have time to get coffee?”

“Of course.”

“Cool.”

“What do you want? I’ll have Marty stop and get it.”

“Seriously? I can go in and get it myself, I’m not living an elitist life, Bellamy. We’re not going to be those assholes!”

“We?”

Clarke swallowed, why does she shove her foot in her mouth all the time? “Yeah, well, you shouldn’t act elitist either.”

“Because I don’t want to get out and deal with people in Starbucks?” he grimaced.

“Because you’re having your driver do it because you don’t want to.”

“He knows he can get whatever he wants.”

Clarke rolled her eyes, “That’s not the point, Bellamy.”

“We’ll go in.”

“We?”

“Yes, Clarke. You’re doing this for me, I’ll buy you coffee.”

“Am I getting paid for a full day?”

“Yes.”

“I can buy my own coffee.”

“I know you can, but you shouldn’t because you’re doing this for me.”

“And I have no idea why. We haven’t spoken in months.”

“She—Echo told me I should back off for a while, even though it’s not what I wanted, it’s what you wanted.”

Clarke didn’t say anything to that, what could she say without starting a fight and she doesn’t want that, not when they’re about to go talk with his therapist.

Ten minutes later, they’re sitting together on the sofa, Echo adjacent them in an arm chair, clipboard in hand and Clarke couldn’t stop wondering if they’ve ever fucked. She wouldn’t put it past Bellamy and _sex therapy_ usually involves sex, right?

“Clarke, you must have some questions for me, why don’t we start there?” Echo offered.

“Where did you study sex therapy?”

“That’s a certification. I got my bachelor’s degree from Cambridge, then got my Masters from Harvard and PhD from Stanford. After a year of practicing I applied to AASECT, and got my certification through them in the state of California. AASECT is the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors, and Therapists.”

Clarke nodded, “Did you go into psychology with the intent of becoming a sex therapist?”

“No, after being a psychologist, I thought I’d want to go into a more specific field and sex therapy was largely needed at the time wit Charlie Sheen and Jesse James coming out about their sex addiction and going into rehab, I had a lot of clients that wanted to talk about their sexuality but I wasn’t certified so I got my certification and here we are.”

“So if I typed in ‘sex therapy LA’ into Google, you’ll be at the top of the list?”

“Possibly.”

“You don’t Google yourself to see your online reputation?”

“I do my job and I feel I do it well so I hope that I don’t have any bad reviews but I’m not going out and searching for bad reviews.”

“Have you exploited any of your clients for publicity?”

“No, I’m not in this for the money or publicity, if I have a celebrity in my office, I’m not going to go around and tell people that I spend fifty minutes a day with whomever it may be. It’s no one’s business but their own and it’s not going to change how I help them.”

“Have you ever had sex with a client?”

“No.”

“Never?” Clarke grimaced.

“Code of Ethics,” Echo countered and Clarke nodded, med school training was the same.

“Okay, then. Why am I here?”

“Part of sex therapy—well, my sex therapy, because a lot of the time it’s psychological, there’s a reason people have the fetishes or desires that they do, a past trauma, perhaps. Anyway, you are here because Bellamy has some things to deal with for both his mental and sexual health, and I was hoping that you would be willing to be with him through it all.”

“I—I don’t know what that means, I—Bellamy and I haven’t spoken outside of work in months. We haven’t had a relationship ever.”

Echo crinkled her brow and looked to Bellamy. “How do you feel towards Bellamy?”

“He’s my boss.”

“Clarke,” Bellamy sighed. She saw his jaw tick, how he was holding himself back and she wondered if that was something Echo taught him. Something that calms him when he’s frustrated and wanted to lash out because what he usually did was bend her over his desk and fuck her and right now… right now that was preferable over this.

Clarke licked her lips, she knew what the honest truth was but saying it here, saying that she was in love with him too, felt like admitting there was nothing wrong with their old dynamic, the dynamic she pointedly walked away from. “I’m… I—don’t make me say it. Not here, not for this.”

“At least tell me you care for him.”

She sighed, she can do that, she can admit that, and nodded, “Yes, I care for him.”

“And you want him to get better?”

“He’s not broken!”

“Clarke, stop,” Bellamy’s hand landed on her knee and Clarke’s eyes landed on it, watching until he realized what he’d done—fairly quickly. “She’s only trying to help, don’t yell at her. And I am broken, Echo will never say that, but it’s the reality.”

“The reality? Bellamy, I didn’t want _this_. I said I wanted you to stop disappearing on me when we have sex, I didn’t think that would cause you to go to seek out a sex therapist!”

“This wasn’t a rash decision, Clarke. I was frustrated with you and what you want because it changes all the time and I just can’t keep up. I was so frustrated and angry I threw my phone at Miller’s head. _Miller._ He’s never done anything! He worked for me when I first started the company and practically worked six months for free. Who am I to throw my phone at him?”

“Isn’t that anger issues?”

“Yes,” Echo said. “But when the underlying cause of the anger is sexual frustration, it’s different, sexual. My expertise.”

“Is this what you want? Psychoanalysis of your childhood?”

“Considering this started when I was eight, yes.”

“What?” Clarke grimaced at him, not knowing what that meant.

“Bellamy, today isn’t for that,” Echo informed.

“How else is she supposed to understand?”

“She wants to see progress with you but she hasn’t given you the opportunity to see that you’re trying. That’s the point of today, for you two to be on the same page, if that’s what you both want because from what I’ve been hearing, the communication between the two of you is horrendous.”

“Just because we don’t use words doesn’t mean we don’t talk,” Clarke scowled.

“For example,” Bellamy smirked and Clarke squared her shoulders, awaiting his inappropriate remark. “Just from her posture alone, I know she’s horny as all hell right now while trying to maintain composure for your sake.”

“Bellamy!” Clarke’s eyes widened as she scolded him. He just smiled, proudly and she shook her head. “He loves hearing me say his name. I never have until six months ago when I put my foot down, it infuriated him but now he can’t stop hearing me say Bellamy.”

“Mm,” Bellamy growled softly, only for Clarke.

“His favorite is still ‘sir’ and I don’t think that will ever change.”

“A fetish?” Echo’s glare landed on Bellamy.

“A preference,” Clarke corrected.

Bellamy smirked, “It’s neither, I just like what it does to her. She gets this glint in her eyes that’s entirely her own when she says it and I can feel her getting slicker and—“

“And—?” Echo pressed.

“I thought this was supposed to be about Bellamy, not me.”

“It’s about both of you. Bellamy, continue.”

“And seeing how turned on she gets with saying it, gets me going. I can’t stop myself when I’m around her, these last six months have been killing me.”

Clarke licked her lips and looked out the window, avoiding Echo’s eyes and feeling Bellamy’s words. Does he think she wants this? Does he believe she wants to keep her distance from him and _not_ have the best sex of her life? She just wants him there with her while they’re doing it, not for any of it to change.

She’s apparently said all that out loud and Bellamy’s hand was on her thigh, trying (not very hard) to have her look at him and not at the window.

“Okay,” Echo said. “You two are practically on the same page, it’s just a matter of Bellamy talking through what he told me last week.”

“That has nothing to do with this,” he spat at her.

“Not true. Clarke wants you present and you can’t be because of it. Talking about it helps ease the pain and mental beatings you give yourself over it. It’s what you do, it’s why you disappear on her, lock yourself away, you have a flash, a brief moment of that time in your life and you shut your brain down, seeking the pleasure and nothing else from the act.”

“I don’t!”

“We can discuss this with or without Miss Griffin here, but if she stays, you’re telling her.”

* * *

Clarke stood in the elevator, her eyes on the ground as she tried to grasp all the information Bellamy and Echo just threw at her. She walked into the session with a green monster on her back, lashing out at Echo at every opportunity because Bellamy was spending time with her instead of Clarke and Clarke wasn’t okay with that.

“Clarke…” he said softly.

“Were you ever going to tell me?” she asked looking at the ground, she really didn’t know what she would do if they made eye contact when she’s this angry. She wasn’t angry at him, she was angry at his step-father and she really wished he were alive just for her to kill him, even though it meant killing O’s father. She didn’t care, she had all this rage and nothing to hate, a dead man wasn’t good enough.

“I wasn’t going to tell anyone, I thought I could live my life like it never happened but it tore you away from me.”

“Because I didn’t know. Bellamy, if I knew—“

“If you knew nothing would have happened between us. We wouldn’t be here and I’d still be the asshole that slept around and left women in the middle of the night.”

“Because you didn’t do that to me?” she scoffed. “Bellamy, there was _one_ time you didn’t leave me in the middle of the night. The one night you stayed was the first time I got to call you Bellamy, when you jumped in the bath with me and made the night about me and not you. It’s always been about what you wanted and that’s not a relationship.”

“I know that, and I would like you to give me a chance to show you that I can be a good boyfriend, that I can be what you want, what you need. I’m working on myself, I’m not going to be a completely different person, Clarke, I’m still going to be me, just less angry, more in the moment, less disappearing. I know you hate when I do that, I hadn’t even known I was doing it when I was. We can start slow, just dates, or coffee, if you want. It’s whatever you want, Clarke.”

“Bellamy,” she shook her head and finally looked over at him, he was worried about her, which was strange, he never worried unless it was about Octavia.

“Please.”

“She asked me how I felt about you and I didn’t want to answer in there because telling her before telling you… how is that fair? And learning this, understanding you better, doesn’t change how I feel because it’s still you.”

“Do I get to know how you feel?”

Clarke turned her whole body towards Bellamy and licked her lips. “I love you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1\. Did you read it?  
> 2\. Do you hate me?  
> 3\. Do you understand Bellamy a little more?  
> 4\. Do you hate how flippant and distant his is about his childhood?  
> (I DO!)
> 
> BONUS: Do you hate cliffhangers as much as I love writing them?


	10. This is My... Bellamy

“I love you.”

Bellamy’s eyes widened and Clarke didn’t know what to do, she jut let him in, let him know how she felt and it was terrifying. She keeps handing the power back to him when he gives it to her, she wanted to have the power, she wanted to be in control for once in their twisted relationship.

“You do?”

“Yeah,” she breathed.

“Why didn’t you ever tell me? Hell, why did you push me away?” He was angry and trying to suppress it, she knew it and she knew how he got after that but maybe she could amend it, say it again and have him know she truly means it.

“Because I love you, not the guy who fucks me with abandon, but you.”

Bellamy smiled and Clarke thought it might be the most radiant smile she’s ever seen. She loved him and she wants him to be happy. She wants him to be healthy and seeing Echo will help him with his mental health and his anger, she can’t help appreciate the woman who can help him where she can’t.

“Kiss me,” she said at a whisper. She wanted it, she didn’t _need_ it. It was out of his comfort zone.

“Clarke—“

“Did they do that? Is that why you don’t want to?”

“Partly. It’s the intimacy, I don’t know how to do that without making it all consuming while tearing your clothes off.”

Clarke laughed, “It’s usually a slow progression from making out to groping to tearing clothes off and foreplay and then sex. Sex we both enjoy. Not that I didn’t enjoy it but you didn’t. You weren’t present, you were exhausted afterwards, but you weren’t there. If you want to try this, Bellamy, we can but we’re going to start slow, work our way slowly up to sex. We’re going to be dating, Bellamy, that’s how this will work. Actually I dislike formal dates, I like staying home and ordering take out or cooking together, spending relaxing time together to get to know each other, it’s what people do.”

“We’re not normal,” he smiled and the elevator doors opened and there were a ton of people standing waiting to get into the elevator.

Clarke and Bellamy walked out and headed outside to where the car was waiting for them.

“That’s what you want?” he asked when the car was pulling away from the curb.

“Yes.”

“Okay then.”

“’Okay then’? Bellamy, this is a discussion, not me demanding something and you giving in. That isn’t a relationship either, what do you want?”

“I want you to move in. I want to put a ring on your finger letting the world know you’re mine. I want—“

“What?”

“I want to watch your stomach grow round and full with my children inside you,” he said looking at the floor of the car and Clarke grimaced at his shame, taking his hand in hers.

“Don’t be ashamed in what you want, Bellamy. I can’t promise that, but what I want usually comes before what you want. We are incredibly unconventional, but, like Echo said, if we communicate with each other, we could do everything we both want in whatever order we feel is right for us, okay?”

“What do you mean?”

“If I feel like I’m ready to move in, I tell you. You want to ask me to marry you, you tell me. We talk about it and make a decision together.”

“I can’t surprise you with a ring on the beach?”

“Neither of us go to the beach except on that date.”

Bellamy scoffed, “Our first date.”

“That was a great date,” Clarke smiled.

“Really?” he asked full of disbelief.

“Until you walked out, I’m still calling it a success.”

“It’s what made me realize that I need help, it brought me to Echo.”

“She’s gorgeous, you know.”

“I hadn’t noticed.”

“Bellamy.”

“Okay, I have, but I’m yours. I’m not doing anything with anyone but you.”

Clarke smiled, “Better. Oh, and we’re not hiding from anyone. Our coworkers are going to know, Octavia is going to know. Sneaking around, no matter how fun it was, it’s not an option.”

“That’s fair. So what do you want to do with the rest of our afternoon?”

“I actually have dinner plans with Raven.”

“When?”

“Six.”

“So we have three hours, what do you want to do?”

“There’s nothing to do in LA for three hours aside from walking the strip and that’s not even a real option with all the tourists.”

“Right. Back to work?”

“What do you usually do?”

“Go home and read a manuscript or watch a documentary.”

“You are the biggest nerd I know and Raven is a mechanical engineer.”

Bellamy laughed. “History’s my thing.”

“I know,” Clarke smirked. “I could ask Raven if it’s okay that I bring my boyfriend to dinner.”

It felt weird calling him her boyfriend because he was more than that, more than just a boyfriend but it was where they should start, they’ve had a rough road to where they are and even though Clarke would love to jump into being engaged to him, being Bellamy’s girlfriend and having him learn what a relationship is first is better than jumping into something more serious and it not working out in the end.

“Really?” Bellamy’s face brightened and Clarke smiled wider.

“If you want. You haven’t met her yet so if you don’t want to—“

“I want to. Dating 101 right? Meeting the friends, meet the family, I want it all, Clarke. I want everything with you.”

* * *

Clarke wound up not telling Raven she’s bringing Bellamy, Raven knew she was screwing someone for a year and that she didn’t want to talk about what happened six months ago because… really, it was her own damn fault, she walked away from him.

They walked into the restaurant, Clarke’s thumb rubbed soothing circles on Bellamy’s as she pulled him through the restaurant. Bellamy knew of Raven through her and Octavia but had never met her and it was somewhat of a good thing, she’s a force and insanely overprotective of Clarke since the whole Finn-cident and then Lexa and Clarke just thought it would be a good idea to keep them separate until it was a sure thing with Bellamy and whenever Octavia had an event that they were both invited to one of them always bowed out for whatever reason so they’d never met.

“Hi?” Raven questioned when Clarke and Bellamy came up to the table.

“Hey, Rae, this is my… Bellamy.”

“Your Bellamy?” They asked together.

“Yes. I was going to say my boss but that doesn’t explain why he’s here and then I was going to say boyfriend but that doesn’t feel right either so Bellamy.”

“We decided to see each other about three hours ago so she’s getting used to saying boyfriend.”

“And you’re trying not to flinch when you say it?” Raven laughed and stood to shake his hand. “Raven Reyes, the tough, protective friend who doesn’t think anyone is good enough for my Clarke.”

“Bellamy Blake,” he shook her hand before pulling out a seat for Clarke to sit. “Overprotective older brother of Octavia and always on the verge of punching Lincoln and completely in love with Clarke Griffin.”

He sat next to Clarke, putting him between the two ladies and Clarke was skeptical for a moment after Finn but Bellamy just told Raven he was in love with her, it wasn’t a secret.

“And her boss,” Raven added. “You’re the boss of almost all my friends which is weird that I’ve never met you before.”

“True, I didn’t know you knew so many of my employees.”

“They’re a wonderful group of people you brought together.”

“This is weird,” Clarke grimaced.

“This is all you,” Raven smiled. “You didn’t tell me anyone else was coming.”

Once they found common ground the night went by quickly and Clarke hated departing for the night, hugging Raven goodbye only to get a text two minutes into the drive to Bellamy’s house saying she likes him and was glad they figured it out.

“Raven likes you,” Clarke told Bellamy.

“Of course she does. Everyone likes me.”

“I wouldn’t go that far! You do have a way with people, I will give you that.”

“Really?”

“Yes.”

“What way is that?”

“I don’t… Octavia is sanguine to a fault and it’s amazingly endearing but not very helpful. You… you’re misanthropic isn’t the right word because that’s more Murphy, you tell it how it is and people trust you for that.”

“I’m veristic,” he noted. “I never looked at it that way, and Murphy is in fact a misanthrope until Emori comes into the picture.”

“I really don’t understand their relationship but it’s not for me to understand as long as they’re happy.”

“I’m sure people will say that about us when they find out.”

Clarke nodded, knowing he was probably right, people won’t understand them.

Bellamy’s building came into sight and Clarke started freaking out, she didn’t know what it would mean if she went home with him tonight, she didn’t know if it was moving too fast or not fast enough, she didn’t know and she was anxious and she wanted to go home but she wanted to find out what a night in with Bellamy entailed but she felt like if she stayed she would find out but they would be moving fast and Bellamy would move quicker than she was ready to. She’d rather them be on the same page.

“Bellamy, could you take me home? I—“

“Of course, I wasn’t thinking, I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be. I want to stay with you tonight, I really do, but it’s moving faster than I think we should right now. Does that make sense?”

“It does, of course it does. You shouldn’t feel pressure to do anything you don’t want to do. I don’t want you to feel pressure.”

“Who are you and what have you done with Bellamy Blake?” Clarke joked.

“You don’t want me to respect your wishes?”

“Of course I do, it’s just the outward showing of respect you show that’s out of character.”

“God forbid someone tries bettering themselves,” he grimaced.

“That’s not what I meant, Bellamy. Just be yourself, but also work with Echo on what you can.”

“So you don’t want control?”

“Of course I do, but I think it’s healthy to want it and take it when you can, knowing that you can’t always have control when you so desperately crave it.”

Bellamy nodded, Clarke knew he was thinking it over, thinking about the moments she’s fought back against him and he wouldn’t let her and maybe regretting it, maybe wondering what wonders could have transpired if he’d let her grab the reins for a few minutes. What she could have shown him and he wouldn’t allow.

* * *

Clarke rolled over the next morning, hearing an incessant knocking on the door of her apartment and groaned, she paid her rent, she’s paid everything she owes, even her damn med school debt. Who the hell is knocking on her door at…

She rolled over and checked the clock, seven thirty in the morning! She crawled out of bed and opened the door to find Octavia at her door.

“You’re dating Bellamy?” she asked pushing through the door and into Clarke’s room, Clarke on her tail completely confused.

“Uh, yeah, why? What are you doing here at seven thirty?”

Octavia was going through Clarke’s closet and she turned to stare at Clarke. “ _You’re dating my brother!”_

“Still not seeing the relevance between those two factors, you don’t wake up for anything on the weekends. What are you doing?”

“My brother admitted to feelings for someone other than me, and they’re for you. That’s something to wake up for!” she threw a dress at Clarke and knelt down and stared at her shoes.

“Octavia! What are you doing?”

“You’re meeting my mom.”

“Your—I thought…”

“Just come with me, please.”

Clarke showered and got dressed in the dress Octavia picked out and shoes and Octavia drove her to Holy Cross Catholic Cemetery in Pomona.

“Octavia…”

“I haven’t been here in years, okay? I didn’t go to the funeral, I was so angry. I have a roundabout knowledge of where she is here, I just don’t know where specifically.”

“Why do you want me here?”

“Because you’re the one person in my and Bellamy’s life that truly understands why coming here is so hard.”

“You think because of my dad… O, I visit my Dad every time I go to New York.”

“And you cry every time?”

“Do you visit your father?”

“Hell no!”

“So why see your mom when she let him do every horrible thing he did?”

“He drugged her, she didn’t know what he was doing.”

“So that makes it okay? Do you know half of what Bell’s been through? I do, and no mother in any state would allow any of that to happen.”

“She didn’t know what was happening!”

“Did you? Octavia, your brother has been through hell to protect you. I’m not going in there, none of what your brother went through should have happened, especially not as a _child_. He didn’t know any better and stood up for himself and you when he learned otherwise. You wouldn’t be who you are if you went through what he did, O,” Clarke shook her head. “To want me to walk in there and talk to your enablist mother’s headstone… it’s disrespectful to everything Bellamy has done for you.”

She turned and looked out the window, the other morning families and friends getting out of their cars and Clarke watched as Octavia breathed behind her.

“What happened to him?”

“If you don’t know, I can’t tell you.”

“Clarke, if you know…”

“I know because he wants to be with me, he wants me to trust me after everything he’s put me through the last eighteen months! You don’t get to ask me what’s going on with him, Octavia.”

“What do you mean, what he’s put you through, can I at least know that?”

“We were fucking, okay? He needed someone to fuck and that was me. I ended it six months ago because I couldn’t just be sex for him anymore and… I don’t know, it’s… we’re dating now and he told you that but not everything and I can’t tell you everything because he trusted me and I’m not breaking that trust.”

This isn’t what she wanted, she wanted to have their normal brunch at ten thirty at Octavia’s apartment and maybe tell her about her and Bellamy if O brought up seeing someone. Clarke didn’t want to tell O that she knows more about Bellamy than she does because they’re siblings, it’s… she doesn’t know, she doesn’t have any siblings.

“You didn’t tell me you were screwing him either.”

“No one knew. I was a stereotype, the secretary screwing her boss, you would have mocked the hell out of me.”

“I would have. Do you love him?”

“Yes.”

“Did you tell him?”

“Yesterday.”

“So then why were you at your apartment this morning?”

“Because after everything, staying at his place would have been too much too quickly. He’s never been in a relationship and starting how we started, it’s not normal.”

“When have either of you been normal? Honestly, whatever you’re both comfortable with would be normal for you two even if that’s moving in together or getting married or having kids before any of that.”

“He’s definitely not ready for kids.”

“Has he said that?”

Clarke shrugged looking at Octavia, concern clear on her friend’s face, “No, but I’m not ready for kids.”

“You don’t have to be, just be honest with him about that.”

“I know, he and I had a whole conversation about talking and not running away when faced with something like that. We’re good, O, his therapist is helping him through a lot and that’s what matters.”


	11. Hide the Cannoli

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Smut is back!.. Not for long...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's cool, I get it, you're just getting into the story and you're reading my little drama with my friend from 6+ months ago in the early chapters, but unlike this story, that one has ended and it is NOT a happy ending. I don't want to talk about it because I'm still a little raw and it's painful to think about even though my coworkers think I'm totally over it with how blasé I am about the whole thing. Maybe when it's easier to talk about I'll share... or maybe you can search the comments for the chain between sassdaddymiller and I about it, it really should be there somewhere.
> 
> Anyway, this might be a mess because I've had a migraine for the last four or so days and editing this wasn't a priority with a migraine that won't leave me alone. Let me know if you catch something my pained brain missed and as always, happy reading! :)

“You fought with Octavia?”

“It wasn’t a fight.”

“Clarke,” Bellamy scolded.

“It wasn’t, she took me to the cemetery to see your mother, for approval or whatever and I refused. Octavia doesn’t know a thing about your childhood, do you really think I want your mother’s approval with everything I know? Because I don’t.”

“Clarke, Octavia loves our mother, she has good memories of her. Doesn’t remember the drugged haze she was under when O was a toddler, only remembering the mom that held two jobs and brought home pizza and ice cream and cherry pie. She doesn’t remember her father or the drugs and men. She doesn’t need to know about any of it, she got a mom for seven years, she’s fine.”

Clarke nodded, “I’m sorry, I just hate what you’ve been through.”

He nodded and pulled her into a hug. “Me too.”

“You don’t need permission to kiss me, you just—if you feel like it…”

Bellamy laughed in her hair, “I always feel like it. I promise I’m working on it.”

The guys his stepfather pimped him out to… Clarke grimaced and pulled away, “No, it slipped my mind, I’m sorry.”

“Hey, don’t apologize, that’s my job. I usually do it with a copious amount of sex, but I think a kiss will work right now,” he smiled and bent down, pressing a chaste kiss to Clarke’s temple before turning back to the fish he had cooking on a skillet.

Clarke smiled, _two steps forward._ “So what are you making again?”

“Technical name is butter basted halibut with lemon braised baby vegetables.”

“So fish and vegetables,” she smiled.

“Fish and vegetables,” he laughed.

“I’m sorry I almost told Octavia about what her father put you through.”

“You didn’t.”

“Have I told you that I love you today?” Clarke asked, settling back on the bar stool he had a glass of chardonnay waiting for her.

“No, you haven’t. I love you too.”

Clarke took a sip of her wine and sighed, “God, whatever wine this is, we definitely need to get more. This is my new favorite.”

“I’ll get right on that. So, I know you two aren’t talking or whatever it is girls do after they fight over one’s parents, she asked me if you’re going to her place for Thanksgiving or going to New York.”

“Thanksgiving with her and Christmas with my mom. Do you… would you want to come with me or is that moving too quick?”

“I think its fine timing, but I do think I should talk to Echo about it.”

“Whatever you need. I don’t want to push you.”

“You’re not pushing me, it’s the beginning of November and that’s the end of December, a lot can happen in that time. Are you going to tell your mom about me?”

“I should, I don’t talk to her unless I have to, she is not the easiest person to deal with.”

“So maybe I shouldn’t go,” he turned the burners off and began plating their meals.

“No, you should talk to Echo about it before making curt decisions. She’s my mom and I doubt she’s going to like you at first but I’m hoping she sees what I see in you and likes you by the time we leave.”

“Are you going to make me take a whole week off to go to New York with you?”

“I already requested off for the twenty first to the twenty eighth, you can come that Friday or Saturday if you feel more comfortable.”

“Having my intelligent and gorgeous girlfriend talk me up to her mother for three days before I join them in Christmas festivities? Sounds perfect.”

“Or you can lessen my torture immediately and just come with me.”

“Sure,” he placed her plate in front of her. “Or I can finish my work week like normal.”

“It’s like you don’t want to meet my family or something.”

He made his own plate and sat next to Clarke at the island, “You have a stepdad, right?”

“That I do. You can talk to him, he’s the mayor right now actually.”

“Of New York City?”

“Yes, he wanted to be President but by the time he really got into the politics of politics, he was forty five, he should have started sooner, but that’s how the world works,” she shrugged, taking a bite of the halibut and sighed. “This is amazing, Bellamy. You can cook!”

He laughed, “You can’t. Thank God take out exists, huh?”

“You’re an ass, but you’re also correct,” Clarke laughed at her own expense.

* * *

 

Clarke awoke with a start, feeling like she was falling and she caught herself only to find that she wasn’t falling, or not really, she’d just fallen asleep on Bellamy’s unfamiliar though oddly comfortable couch.

The TV was playing the menu screen of the DVD they’d put on, she didn’t remember anything that happened in the film at all.

Where’s Bellamy? She wondered and sat up, she looked around the living room and kitchen before standing and heading down the hall. He wasn’t in the bathroom and the door to his bedroom was ajar with a dim light on. She caught a glimpse of him on the edge of the bed, his back to her slumped over and shifting and she pushed the door open, hearing his breath hitch and suddenly she understands what she’s walking into and she can’t decide if she should continue walking to him or turn back and find something to watch on his TV, acting as though she thought he was in the bathroom perhaps.

 _I have to see him_ , she thought, walking closer and closer to him and she stopped when she reached the bed. He’s stilled, body tense as Clarke was just over his shoulder, the head of his cock in her sight with precum dribbling out, his fingers tight around the shaft as though he were attempting to hide it from her. He didn’t say anything, swallowing and tucked himself back in his boxers.

She should go back to the sofa, she should just turn around and walk out of the room and not push the situation, they hadn’t talked about sex, obviously they both wanted it, she really couldn’t be anymore attracted to someone. Maybe this was one of those things where they’re on the same page, they can have sex whenever because they’ve done that before, it’s the only aspect of their relationship that probably won’t change. He’s breathing quickly, she realized, before really registering that he didn’t get off, she interrupted him and he’s trying to be… respectful? He doesn’t have to be, she’s seen his cock from many angles and had it inside her in many different compromising positions where they could have gotten caught if anyone stepped into his office unannounced.

Clarke stepped around the bed, stopping right in front of him and his brown eyes blown out, looked up at her with a desperation she’s never seen before. Smirking she dropped between his thighs to her knees. It was one of Clarke’s favorite aspects of their relationship, the silent conversations with just their eyes. She took in every minute detail of him in this private moment, he needed her, he needed a release and he didn’t wake her from her slumber like he would have six months ago, he stepped away as to not disturb her to relieve himself and even though she woke up she was immensely grateful and proud of the step forward he made. His tongue snuck out between his lips to wet them, bringing Clarke back to the task at hand, her eyes drifted over his wet lips, pleading eyes, heaving freckled chest and fidgeting fingers on his thighs.

She wanted to say something, but his eyes pleaded that she didn’t and she thought that maybe he was embarrassed, but she knew him better than that. She smirked again, pressing her hand on his thigh, next to his, sure to not touch before sliding her fingers up the soft skin, over his boxers and up to his chest where she pushed him back and he caught himself on his elbows before she pulled at his waistband, not giving him a chance to argue with her.

One hand wraps around the base of his shaft, all the precum gone from his briefs. She bends her head down and takes him in her mouth, as deep as she could, just how she remembered he liked. Her cunt clenched the moment her mouth wrapped around his shaft, almost forgetting what he felt like inside her and it was a damn shame, she needed him just as much as he needed her.

He sucks in a breath. Her eyes flick up to his and his lips were parted in the shape of an “O”, his eyes hooded as she slowly bobbed her head, lips perfectly suctioned around him. This moment was the one she missed the most, the times she had him at her mercy, he knew what she could do to him if he tried anything with her like this, the few moments he wouldn’t try anything unless she gave him permission to bend her to his will, fucking her throat with abandon, the intrusion a warm welcome and his come shooting down her throat within minutes, quick and dirty and Clarke was okay with it.

She rarely thought about his dick, which was a shame with how many times she’s had it in her, it wasn’t as though the allure of it had went away, it was the most perfect cock she’s seen. It’s not too long, but thick and a unambiguous curve upward that Clarke aches for almost every moment of the day—she’s a very sexual being—even if she were avoiding the ache for him was prominent and something she thought she could control with distance and obvious layers of clothing that weren’t easy to adjust if someone caught them in a compromising position as had often happened with her skirts.

Clarke’s free hand searched the bed behind him while her mouth worked his cock fervently, his fingers gripped hers and she sighed, nearly choking on the head of his cock. He tried twining their fingers but Clarke had other plans. She liked having control, but when Bellamy took over, when he fucked into her, she loved it, she could climax just from the sensation of him fucking her mouth to the hilt, as far down her throat as he could reach, breathing became a low priority, after his orgasm. His filthy words, he half praises and forcefulness of his demands, there was something about it that drove Clarke into submission into thinking herself secondary after him and maybe there was some underlying issues she has, something she’d gotten from Finn, something in being abandoned as a child, that made her feel that this was a form of love, not lust, that she _needed_ it. Needed the pain as a reminder of life.

She got her fingers in control of his and brought his hand to her face, cupping her cheek, which was sweet and all, but _seriously?_

Her mouth popped off his cock, letting it slap down against his stomach as she glared up at him. “Bellamy, if you don’t fuck my mouth, I swear—“

“Clarke,” he growled, eyes dark and angry, and she knew it was supposed to be a warning, they’re supposed to be turning a new leaf, a gentler leaf.

“You want it too, so do it. It’s okay.”

“No, what you were doing was great. I want you to touch yourself too, Okay?”

Clarke licked her lips, unsure it was what he really wanted, she swore she felt him holding back.

“Please, Clarke.” The look in his eyes was so sincere, he loved her and didn’t want to hurt her, he was certain about this decision.

“O—okay,” she nodded, though she wasn’t into the change in this part of them, maybe it was a good thing, maybe preforming acts purely for the other’s enjoyment was better than giving up control.

Clarke gripped the base of his distended cock again, bringing it back up to her mouth and got back to it with earnest, though her heart wasn’t into it like she was a moment ago, she wouldn’t let it show. She can’t let him know that she _loved_ when he took control and she nearly couldn’t breathe, his hand cupping her cheek, dropped to her neck and held her to him, but it wasn’t possessive like she was so used to, it was fond and loving and her heart swelled, overwhelmed with how new it all was even though they’ve been fucking for over a year. Clarke wanted him to come, needed him to come so this could be done and she could breathe and think about what she actually wanted if this was going to be how they were now. Could she have this with Bellamy and not want what they used to have?

“Touch yourself,” Bellamy commanded and Clarke moved her free hand to the button of her jeans, having them come undone. She was dripping and she knew it, just from the sight of him at the stove turned her on all those hours ago.

She does it for him, to make him happy because she loves him. It’s that simple… that complicated, if she’s truly honest with herself.

“I’m gonna come,” he warned a minute later and the words felt too foreign, like they weren’t his. Like it wasn’t _them._ A moment later how was coming, molten heat pouring down Clarke’s throat and she pulled away, the musky taste taking over her mouth and she licked her lips as she pulled her hand from her jeans.

“I’m gonna order an Uber,” she said softly and turned back to the door, heading back out to the living room to get her phone.

“Clarke…” Bellamy called after her, walking into the living room with his boxers properly on. “What just happened?”

“I—I just remembered that I have a brunch in the morning and it’s close to my apartment so I should really sleep there tonight.”

“A brunch?”

“Yeah, my step dad is in town and I’m trying to make amends with my mom, figured having brunch with my stepdad would be a good step.”

It wasn’t like it was a complete lie, Marcus Kane was in town for a fundraiser that he generously supports, it’s all over his social media that he was leaving New York, the first time since becoming mayor.

“I’m not going to pretend that here isn’t something else going on here. You’ll tell me when you’re ready, right?”

“Sure,” Clarke grabbed her sweater and purse before walking out the door.

“What the hell is wrong with me?” She asked herself at the curb just as her Uber pulled up.

* * *

Her finger hovered over the number far longer than she’d have liked. She knew she should do it, knew it was an easy phone call to make so she finally pressed the screen of her phone to call the number.

“Dr. Echo Daines’ office.”

“Sorry, is—is this Echo?”

“Yes.”

“Hi, I’m Clarke Griffin, Bellamy Blake’s Clarke, I was in your office with him a few days ago.”

“Yes, Clarke, I remember. How are you?”

“O—okay, I guess. I was wondering if you could give me a referral. I know it’s a conflict of interest to be my therapist as well as Bellamy’s so…”

“Well, are you asking for help on insight of your relationship with him? We could do more couples sessions, you and Bellamy.”

“Yes and no, more that I want to know why I have the urges I have and why they’re only coming to the surface now, with Bellamy.”

“I can ask Bellamy if he would be okay with it, we just won’t be able to discuss anything he and I talk about and vice versa.”

“I don’t want to cause any problems, really, it’ll be easier if I go to someone else, right?”

“True, but your relationship with Bellamy isn’t something a lot of people will understand and not judge. I could send you to someone else but you might not get the right help you’re looking for. At least let me ask Bellamy and call you back with a verdict.”

Clarke nodded before realizing that Echo couldn’t see her. “Okay. Thank you.”

* * *

“Is that what Saturday was about? You want to see Echo too?” Bellamy asked storming into Clarke’s office Tuesday morning.

“I called her for a referral. I didn’t actually want her to be my therapist.”

“So she’s asking me if it’s okay to help you and it’s her idea?”

Clarke rolled her eyes, “Yes. She thinks because she knows your side she could help me better and she could help you more too, she also thinks we should do couples therapy.”

“I think it’s a good idea after Saturday.”

“What do you mean? What happened on Saturday?”

“You ran out like my dick was the worst thing you ever tasted.”

“There are no euphemisms with you, are there?”

Bellamy grimaced, “You ran out and you wouldn’t look at me and you’ve ignored my calls and texts and emails. What happened?”

“I—I like when you take control and you didn’t want to so I didn’t quite get there when you did… I wasn’t turned on at all actually,” she grimaced. “I was and I was also excited that we would have sex, how we used to and you didn’t want that.”

“It’s not that I didn’t want that, Clarke. You wanted control, I was giving you control and I think it’s a good thing. I needed control because of my childhood, I needed to not be the victim I was and I’ve been putting you in that position, that’s not fair to you is it?”

“That’s why I want to see Echo, I want to know why I want that so badly. Why I couldn’t get there without it.”

“Wait, you… Why didn’t you tell me? Why did you run away?”

“Because I didn’t want to fake it. You—you were overwhelmed with your own orgasm and I knew you were going to praise me because that’s what you always do when you have the time and I just couldn’t hear that when I didn’t feel the same way.”

Bellamy nodded, “I’m sorry but communication, Clarke, it’s one of the things we have to work on.”

“I know, I just didn’t want to force you into something you didn’t want and you didn’t want that.”

“Your mouth on my cock is in my top five favorite things in this world.”

Clarke looked down at the painting that was drying, “Bell, I need to get back to this.”

He took a step back with a grimace, “Yeah, of course, I’m sorry. Echo has Tuesdays at five available, you have permission to leave early to get there on time.”

Clarke nodded, “Thank you.”

* * *

“So how has your week been?” Echo asked eight days later at their first session.

“Good, good, yeah, Bellamy wasn’t too understanding about me needing to talk to someone so that was a challenge, but he knows how it feels to need to do this. I think it’s the part about it being _me_. Does that make sense?”

“Absolutely, we did speak about that and he’s worried about you.”

“Oh, okay,” Clarke grimaced, picking at her cuticles.

“Could you tell me what you’re anxious about?”

She flattened her hands on her knees and looked up at Echo. “I feel like you’re going to judge me even though you say you won’t.”

Echo nodded, “I don’t judge, just spitball ideas with you until something makes sense to you and it doesn’t matter if it was my idea or not, you’re figuring yourself out which is the important part.”

Clarke nodded.

“Do you want me to ask questions to learn your past or…”

“Is that how Bellamy started?”

“Everyone is different, I know about you and Bellamy, but I don’t know anything about you before Bellamy and that could be helpful.”

“My first kiss was with my best friend, Wells, when we were thirteen. He died two years ago, hit by a drunk driver.”

“Is that when you quit being a surgeon?”

“Uh, yeah,” Clarke grimaced before realizing Bellamy probably told her that.

“Was he a reason you quit?”

“Maybe? Wells died in January and I quit in June. I was depressed over losing him. I think it was a part of it, but I’ve always disliked medicine, I was just trying to make my mom happy.”

“Yet you quit," Echo said simply, though they both knew it wasn't as simple as that, nothing ever was.

“I didn’t want to do it anymore. It was worse staying in something I hated when the one person I wanted to help, I couldn’t.”

“You were on his case?”

“It’s a conflict of interest.”

“Do you blame yourself for his death?”

“I just prolonged the inevitable, he was too far gone when he came into the ED, I blame the driver. I did what I could so his dad could get there to say goodbye.”

“Did he get the chance? Did you?”

“Yes, I don’t think I’ve ever seen Thelonious cry until that day. His wife died ten years earlier and I don’t think he shed a tear, I lived at his house back then.”

“His son died, you don’t know what relationship he had with his wife. They could have been estranged by then.”

Clarke nodded.

“So after kissing Wells, you were with…”

“Finn, he was my junior year of high school, he just moved to town, living with his aunt. His mother died and his father was in the Navy, deployed somewhere and didn’t have anyone to watch him so they moved him to his aunt’s. Come to find out he had a girlfriend back home, Raven, she’s one of my best friends now. When we found out we both dumped him and became friends.”

“Did you trust men after him?”

“I… I thought I did, I had Wells still and I made friends with Monty and Jasper and in college I became friends with Lincoln and Roan, but none of them were more than friends.”

“So after Finn you weren’t with anyone?”

“Girls, I’m bisexual. I was with Lexa for the first year in med school, but I found out she was still in love with her ex-girlfriend, Costia, and that hurt but she was also really supportive about med school and it was nice having support even though I hated it.”

“Okay, anyone else?”

“Niylah, but she was my RA and it was just sex when we were stressed about our classes.”

“So do you think because those relationships with Finn and Lexa were full of emotional turmoil, it’s transferred to submissive tendencies with Bellamy?”

“Is that… is that possible? Bellamy and I had emotional turmoil, he was hot and cold for months! He had hard limits that he wouldn’t let anyone through and…” Clarke took a sobering breath. “He left me tied up for a whole day. I—I didn’t know if he was coming back or was just going to leave me there, it was humiliating.”

“But he came back?”

“He didn’t apologize, just said he got a work call and left it at that. Of course he had his way with me before he untied me though.”

“Did you want that?”

“I couldn’t exactly say no with a gag in my mouth," Clarke huffed.

“You were gagged?”

Clarke nodded, “I don’t know why I can’t say no to him.”

“You didn’t have a choice that day, are you okay with that?”

“I only said I couldn’t say no, not that I wanted to.”

“Clarke, I’m well aware of BDSM and all that it entails, but there’s a level of respect that should be held. There should be a conversation about your limits, not just assumptions. From what you’re giving off, you weren’t okay with Bellamy leaving you bound and gagged all day.”

“Would you be okay with that?”

Echo grimaced, “Asexual, I’ve attempted everything to acquire arousal.”

“Right,” Clarke sighed. “Sorry.”

“No, you have a point, if he stayed within the apartment, where he could hear the muffled cries to let you go, it’s one thing, but you said he left. I don’t think that was right.”

“I didn’t talk to him for three weeks after that. Professionally I did, but that was work.”

“He’s said you’ve had sex at work, is it like a power play thing?”

“I—I don’t think so, sometimes he’d be going into an important meeting and he’d call me into his office for a quickie. He’d either bend me over his desk or shove his cock down my throat.”

“He was always rough and demanding, regardless of the place or situation?”

“There was one time where he wasn’t. I never told him this, but it was the anniversary of my father’s death. Maybe Octavia told him,” she shook her head. “I left work early because I wasn’t up to par and I went home and ate a pint of rocky road while listening to my dad’s favorite record. Bellamy walked in around seven when I was in the bathtub with my favorite bath bomb and without saying a word, without asking what was wrong, he just… climbed in behind me and held me. I mean, he was still his callous self, but that night felt different, like there was an ‘us’ and not a ‘him and I’.”

“You didn’t tell him about your father?”

“No, the minute I was with him, everything in my life was forgotten. All my pain, all my struggles and fears, they meant nothing to me and he meant everything.”

Clarke didn’t realize how heavy her words were, how potent their meaning was. He’s become everything important to her and she hadn’t even realized. She’s ditched her friends, she avoided making plans unless he was busy, she knew his schedule better than she knew her own. “I’m obsessed with him.”

“What do you mean?” Clarke explained everything to Echo and she nodded. “Obsessed and infatuation aren’t words I like using to describe situations. You have more information than you should, but it was also your job at the time to know Bellamy’s schedule so obsession and infatuation aren’t exactly the right words. Do you think you would have known any of his schedule if you weren’t his assistant?”

“No, I wouldn’t.”

“So it’s circumstantial and I really didn’t mean to make that sound like you were on trial. Do you think you would feel this way about him if you met him in the job you have now?”

“You mean if he hired me as the assistant art director from the start and I didn’t know any of his schedule?”

“Correct.”

“I don’t think he and I would be where we are. I’d probably have been more confident in my art and place in the world, not feeling like I needed some form of validation to make me feel better about myself.”

“Was that how this started?”

Clarke sighed, the beginning of their affair, how does she even describe it? Sexual harassment was a good claim to have, but she fed into it. She urged his words and lingering fingers, how does one take a friendly offer to show the best restaurant in town into a date into fucking without there being some signal that it was what she wanted? Granted they should have left it at that, really they should have. Hell, they agreed to leave it there before he left that night. She blames Monday morning… that elevator.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, cliffhanger, but this is a seriously long chapter and I was originally going to have the elevator scene in this to make it even LONGER, but chose against it because LENGTH! Anyway, the next chapter is going to start with that...
> 
> I have no idea where this story is going to end up... I think I'min need of literary guidance lol
> 
> I'm taking Christmas/ New Years (hell, even Valentine's Day) prompts so [CLICK HERE!](http://thebellarkeofitall.tumblr.com/ask) or don't... whatever you want...


	12. You’re Not Alone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Flashback and Clarke's session with Echo

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back bitches!!!!  
> Okay, I've been around, I just came back to this (pun intended) and I don't know what I'm doing anymore...

_Clarke stuck her hand through the closing elevator door to stop it, she was running late with absolutely no reason aside from thinking that her wardrobe was too plain, too blah. She never worked in an office, she was always in scrubs or sweats at home or fucking ball gowns for her mother’s events to show her off._

_She stared at her closet wondering if any of it was appropriate, even though Octavia approved half of them already. It was her brother’s company, why would she lie?_

_“Miss Griffin,” Bellamy said when she stepped into the elevator and she swallowed rather obviously. There were five other people in the elevator with them and Clarke really shouldn’t be as nervous about seeing him as she was._

_“Mr. Blake,” she nodded with a small smile before turning her back to him and stared at the doors as it began to ascend._

_“How was your weekend? Did you explore any part of the city?”_

_“It was good, and no, I—I didn’t leave my apartment, I’m still trying to get everything organized. I didn’t realize how my apartment really looked because I was rarely there.”_

_“I didn’t realize med school was that busy.”_

_“Residency was,” she corrected._

_The elevator dinged as it came to a stop at the fifteenth floor and Clarke moved further into the elevator to get out of the way of the two people who were getting off and Bellamy moved next to her, the other three people in front of them. His hand moved to the small of her back and settled there, where no one could see it._

_“We don’t really get stories about doctors coming in,” he nodded, a way for him to get away with his medical education ignorance._

_“Four years of college with a pre-med bachelor’s degree, four years in medical school after that and then four years of residency, one where you’re given every shitty job with the rare reward of the simplest surgical procedure, two of being a glorified assistant, not that the first year wasn’t like that too but the doctors have their favorites and know everyone’s supposed strengths at that point, and you get better experience in each field, narrowing down what field you want to get into and the last two years, you get to assist and do the actual procedure on your own and they say it’s the most rewarding, but I just…” Clarke shook her head as Bellamy’s hand slipped farther and farther down her back to her buttock. “I didn’t want to do any of it.”_

_“And here I was thinking I hired a neurosurgeon,” Bellamy smirked and Clarke smiled._

_“Another year and it would have been a possibility.”_

_There was something about the look in his eyes that told Clarke they wouldn’t be talking if the three other people weren’t there. She wouldn’t take it as far as a hunger, but his eyes were darker than what she’d been used to the week before._

_The elevator stopped two more times and everyone but Clarke and Bellamy were out of the elevator. The moment the doors were closed Bellamy pressed into her behind, his erection prominent as he ground into her ass._

_“My office,” he growled._

_“Sir?” Clarke asked looking up over her shoulder at him._

_He groaned, “Yeah, you’re going to be calling me that a lot now.”_

_The elevator dinged before the doors opened and Bellamy nodded to her. “Act natural, You come to my office first thing in the morning anyway,” he smirked devilishly as he stepped around her and Clarke blinked before letting out a shuttered breath and stepped out and went to the kitchen first because_ what in the fuck?!

_“Clarke?” the perky blonde asked, pouring herself a cup of coffee. “Are you okay?”_

_Clarke looked up, recognizing her, not exactly sure where to place her aside from a cubicle ten feet from Clarke’s desk. “Fine, yeah, just overwhelmed with the new job.”_

_“I get it. They don’t teach you how exactly to do your profession, just what to know and how to spot grammar relatively easily, like it were second nature. Sorry, I’m Harper McIntyre, I’m working with Jay Donovan on his dystopian series.”_

_Clarke shrugged, “I haven’t actually read any books recreationally in years so I don’t know who that is.”_

_“I’m getting you a copy. I think Blake is looking for you,” she nodded behind Clarke where Bellamy’s head was peeking out of his office door, scouring the office for her._

_“Yeah, I should probably get going, he’s ruthless.”_

_Harper laughed, “Yeah, he softens up after a month or two.”_

_“Oh, a month or two,” Clarke laughed, backing out of the kitchen. “Something to look forward to.”_

_A minute later she was in Bellamy’s office, the glass that separated his employees from him frosted over, one of the many settings it had. Clarke’s heart was beating erratically wondering what he had planned for her._

_“Miss Griffin, what is on the agenda today?” he smirked, twisting his chair back and forth._

_“You have a nine thirty phone call with the distribution company about_ _Zach McGowan_ _’s tell-all. Then a ten o’clock phone call with him about whatever they told you and his schedule for a book tour, he has four movies in pre-production, but he might not be a big part of them and he’s still in that show that films six months out of the year so he doesn’t have time for a book tour.”_

_“Well, he’s going to have to make time if he wants this book published,” Bellamy stood, walking around his desk and leaned back against it. “You really didn’t go out this weekend?”_

_Clarke looked up at him and swallowed, he looked absolutely delicious and she shouldn’t be thinking about Friday night._

_“What’s that look for, Griffin?”_

_She licked her lips, eyes shooting back to his schedule for the day. “You have a lunch appointment with Lincoln Woods at eleven-thirty…”_

_“Cancel it and answer my questions.”_

_“I didn’t go out this weekend and it’s none of your business.”_

_“I thought we made it my business on Friday night.”_

_“No, Friday night shouldn’t have happened. We were a little too drunk and got a little too carried away, we should just forget it happened.”_

_“Is that really what you want?” he asked licking his lips and Clarke’s mind flashed to when he did that Friday night coming up from between her thighs._

_She fought her legs from quivering at his insinuation, of her possibly wanting more with him than she should. He’s her boss. His salacious smile told her that he knew what he was doing to her without even touching her, just reminding her of what they did together, what they could be._

“Clarke?” Echo said, bringing her back.

Clarke never paid attention to the view from Bellamy’s office. She didn’t look out her window at work either, but Echo’s office, she looked out over the haze of the interstates below and the hills that distinguished each neighborhood from one another and saw the ocean. Saw how it seamlessly transferred into the sky, the horizon invisible and she wondered what it would feel like to be drifting out there, carefree and truly at peace with whatever may come, whatever would happen to you.

“Clarke, where did you go?”

“Have you ever thought about the ocean?” she asked absentmindedly, her eyes still trained on the horizon.

“What about the ocean?”

“It… it’s so vast and secretive and we know barely anything about it. Why don’t we know anything about it?”

“What does the ocean represent? Why are you bringing it up?”

“It’s the ocean, it’s five miles away and I don’t go there, I don’t spend time at the beach. What kind of person lives within walking distance of the beach and never goes?”

“Do you have a phobia of the water or sharks or any sea creature?”

“No. There’s no logical reason behind me not going. I like the beach and ocean and spent countless summers there as a child but since college I stopped going.”

“Because you had a summer job or…”

“It was too difficult without my dad and Wells,” Clarke admitted. Why is Echo so easy to talk to?

“They brought you out of your shell?”

“Ocean metaphor. Yeah, they did. I wasn’t good at making friends and maybe that’s what draws me to Bellamy, he’s a loner too.”

“He has friends, he’s not good at incorporating the different parts of his life together, he mentioned that Octavia didn’t know about the two of you seeing each other until a month ago.”

Clarke nodded.

“Was there a reason you didn’t tell Octavia that you’ve been seeing her brother?”

“I don’t know, I think I thought that if he wanted it to be more then he would tell her.”

“He does, you know he does. He’s been trying, right?”

“Yeah, he’s been trying.”

Honestly, Clarke couldn’t believe she’s been going to Echo for a month already.

“Have you two had sex?”

“It’s different.”

“Different? Clarke, I know this is different, that you’re not comfortable yet. I understand that, but to get you and Bellamy into a healthy sex habit, a healthy emotional relationship, then I’m going to need you to talk to me. I’m going to need you to trust that whatever you say in this room isn’t going to go anywhere. What you say is between us.”

“I know, I just…” she sighed. “It’s not that I don’t know how to talk about sex, I do. I just feel like I’m betraying Bellamy even though that’s the whole point of this.”

“Tell me about the beginning, about the dynamic there. It’s just talking, like I’m one of your friends.”

“In the beginning it was about Bellamy, whenever and wherever he wanted, _whatever_ he wanted. It wasn’t about reciprocation or my enjoyment and I think it went too far like I can’t until he’s come.”

Echo nodded, “What did he want?”

“A release.”

“Just his?”

“Yes, a majority of the time I never got there but I—I learned. I get there just after him and I see that it’s not what he wants now. It’s hard to explain how we were because it was always about him but he made it seem like it was about me too. We’d have phone sex and I’d describe whatever the situation was and I’d be getting off on just knowing what I was doing to him.”

“That’s how phone sex usually works. When Bellamy isn’t around do you masturbate?”

Clarke grimaced, “He didn’t want me to.”

“Okay, before when you had that one-sided BDSM-like relationship, that is an answer I would have accepted but it’s been over for more than six months and you’re supposedly in a real, more normalized relationship from what you two have told me the last month. You don’t live together and you spend a few nights a week at one another’s apartments, where I’m assuming you have sex.”

“Most of the time.”

“So the sex," Echo started, letting Clarke prepare for her question. "It’s not as dominating, which you stated was a problem for you getting there. Is that still an issue?”

“Yeah, but I usually do, just after him even when he plays with my clit during.”

“So you’re still in the head space where he comes first, his wants and needs and quite literally _comes_ first?”

Clarke grimaced, hating how crude it sounds and that Echo seemingly passed over a joke that could have been made. She’s a professional though. “Yes.”

“Clarke, I know you think there’s something wrong with you, that none of this is normal but I can guarantee you that this is normal. Your struggle, your will to make a change and it not happening is normal. It’s a big change, you let Bellamy take the reins on your sexual being and he’s essentially giving them back to you without any warning. He wants to be better for you, he wants to be the man you deserve, he working towards that but there should be a middle ground. There should be a happy place where you can feel dominated and loved at the same time while in the same space, Bellamy isn’t overwhelmed by his past, shutting you out, where he feels worthy. I’m not saying that I want to stop seeing you, but I feel that Bellamy coming here with you every other week will be more prudent than just seeing you two individually. Would you be okay with this change?”

“I’d still see you on the other Tuesdays without him?”

“Yes.”

Clarke nodded, “Okay.”

“I will bring it up to him on Friday and if he agrees then he will come with you next week,” Echo said and Clarke nodded, realizing that their session was over.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> comments, kudos, complaints? They're now being monitored and I got yelled at by everyone during every reunion scene tonight.


	13. Wash Your Back

“Hey,” Bellamy smiled walking up to the table with Raven, Octavia and Miller sitting with Clarke already. Clarke leaned up to kiss him before he sat down.

“I had Lincoln order you a Guinness,” she said as he took the empty seat between her and Octavia.

Bellamy looked over to the bar where Lincoln was ordering their drinks.

“Does he need help?”

“Actually, my date has that covered,” Raven said and Bellamy couldn’t tell if that was a good or bad thing, how is he supposed to gauge Raven’s date?

Clarke leaned over, giving him an ample view of her chest, “He’s good.”

Bellamy nodded, “I talked to Echo.”

Clarke laughed, “Yeah, I know. We can discuss it later.”

“Is that what you want to do?”

“Yes, I think it would be good for the both of us. I think now that I’m more comfortable with her, it’ll actually be productive.”

“Productive? You’re not satisfied?”

“I didn’t say that. I just… I don’t know, can we not talk about it here? Your sister is giving us a look.”

“My sister is next to me and definitely listening in on our conversation and is most likely horrified.”

“And she’s taking offense,” Octavia said behind him and Clarke laughed.

“You really shouldn’t listen in on people’s conversations.”

“It’s only you! What could you do to Clarke that would—“

“Chains and whips excite me,” Clarke deadpanned and Octavia’s jaw dropped as Lincoln and Shaw walked over with their drinks.

“What did we miss?” Lincoln asked, dropping a Guinness in front of Bellamy.

“Clarke and Bellamy are into BDSM, something I didn’t need to know about my brother.”

“We’re really not, O was eavesdropping and we made it exciting,” Bellamy said and sure, it wasn’t completely true, but they were into rope play and some choking and… that’s too much information for Bellamy’s sister.

“Anyway, Miles Shaw, this is Bellamy Blake, my boyfriend and Lincoln and Miller’s boss. He’s also my boss’s boss and HR is having a hay day with that.”

“Hey, man,” Shaw nodded at Bellamy across the table. “You can call me Shaw. Everyone does.”

“Cool. How’d you meet Raven?”

“Internet,” they said together and everyone at the table laughed, because really?

“I flipped him the bird while he was trying to hack into NASA and he thought it was hilarious so we got to talking in some dark web chatroom that I was supposed to be taking down and I did. Eventually.”

Shaw shook his head with a smirk, “She just wanted to keep talking to me.”

“Yeah, yeah, lover boy, you’re a real catch. Can we please talk about this,” Raven gestured between Bellamy and Clarke. “Actually being a thing?”

Bellamy placed his hand on Clarke’s thigh and she stroked his shoulder. “What are we supposed to say? A year of sexual tension finally being released its been fun.”

“That is so gross but I’m glad my brother is finally happy,” Octavia grimaced before turning it into a smile. “Seriously, I never thought I’d see him smile genuinely again.” She elbowed his ribs and he leaned more into Clarke and she definitely didn’t mind, she loved having his hands on her.

“All right, O. I’m just glad we’re all getting together for Thanksgiving, can we all appreciate that?”

“We can appreciate it if you give us Friday off too,” Miller prodded and Bellamy rolled his eyes.

“You know what? Friday everyone can have off. Just don’t expect to see Clarke or I around all weekend.”

Clarke bit her lip slightly embarrassed by his declaration but she really couldn’t be because she was too excited about spending the next weekend with him.

Hours later they walked into Clarke’s apartment and Bellamy pulled her into him. “I want to take a bath with you.”

Clarke looked up at him with a smile, “You do, do you? And what makes you think that I want to take a bath at this hour?”

“Mm, the shimmer bath bomb is my favorite and I need to see your skin glow right now. It’s fucking radiant.”

“You’re serious? It’s one in the morning and you want us to take a bath so my skin can shimmer for us to sleep?”

“I don’t plan on sleeping anytime soon,” he smirked, kissing her neck, pulling a sigh out of her. “Come on, let me wash your back.”

“That’s not all you’re planning on doing, is it?”

“Fuck no, I’m going to ravish you,” Bellamy growled against the shell of her ear before nipping at it.

“Fine, but don’t get my hair wet, it’ll be horrendous to deal with in the morning.”  
Bellamy laughed, detangling himself from her and headed to her bathroom. “You coming?” he called over his shoulder and Clarke ran after him eagerly.

Five minutes later the tub was nearly filled and Clarke was stepping out of her panties while Bellamy dropped a teal and gold bath bomb in the water.

“That’s not one of mine.”

“I know, I bought it. I liked the smell and figured we could try it together.”

“You liked the smell?”

“It reminds me of the beach. Don’t get me wrong, I love the one you use but I think change is a good thing every once in a while.”

Clarke raised a brow at him, “Who are you?”

Bellamy laughed, “Are you getting in or am I?”

“You. Get comfortable and I’ll join you.”

Bellamy jumped in the tub, causing a small splash of teal mermaid water to spill onto the black tile. Clarke shook her head, dropping a spare towel on the floor to clean it up before climbing in and settling in between Bellamy’s thighs.

Clarke breathed in the soft scent of salt and sand as Bellamy’s hands trailed up her waist to her breasts that weren’t under the water. The teal-gold water darkening her pale skin as his hands trailed up to her neck before disappearing back down under the water only to do the same again, lingering on her breasts, plucking her hardened nipples and effectively shooting an electrical current down to her aching cunt.

“You’re stunning,” her moaned.

“Mmm,” Clarke moaned wanting more… needing more.

“What do you want? I’ll give you anything. Just use your words.”

“I wa—“ his fingers’ constant plucking at her nipples drove her so mad she couldn’t think straight. “Your fin—fingers on my—my clit, in my… pussy.”

“You want it all, don’t you baby?”

“Please.”

Bellamy chuckled, one hand released her breast and ventured down between her legs. It was a relentless assault, drawing her in, building her up and up and up, only to let her hover there until she found what she was looking for. Until she felt his thick, hard arousal by her back, and her coil snapped, releasing the wave of bliss crashed over her and when Bellamy’s onslaught wouldn’t let up, she let the waves roll over her.

Their bath was over but Clarke’s muscles were spent so Bellamy dried her and carried her to bed.

* * *

Raven and Shaw went out to Los Alamitos for an early Thanksgiving with her mom and cousins and Finn’s parents so they weren’t around again until Monday and even through text, Clarke could tell that Raven’s interest in Shaw was different than Finn and Wick, he wasn’t like them, an old soul vibe oozed off him in a good way but he was still up on tech which was good for Raven. Clarke wished she got to know him better at the bar.

Clarke woke up in her own bed on Thanksgiving morning after another night of drinking with Raven and Shaw. She learned that they’ve been talking a while and only met a month ago and it always felt organic and they asked about Clarke and Bellamy and Clarke let Bellamy take over. Even though he wasn’t very good with people, he’s good at storytelling, but also because Clarke didn’t know what he wanted them to know and what he wanted to stay between the two of them.

He mostly stuck to the truth, that he couldn’t control his want for her after a week and it wasn’t a secret relationship but just hook ups and they intermittently stopped over the big fights that were really just themselves getting in their own way and the last couple of months of really being together have been good, they’ve been a learning process, but they’ve been good.

She was hung over, thoroughly and completely foggy but felt this steady movement behind her that felt amazing.

“Bellamy?”

“I was horny baby and your body is so warm and wet and—“

“Keep going. Just keep going, don’t stop,” she gasped as he lifted her leg higher, she was still sore from the night before, as he filled her more.

He slid firmly in and out of her as she pushed back, needing more, not knowing where she wanted his fingers more, her nipples or her clit.

“Bell, I need…” his hand moved from holding her thigh in place to her clit and her hand shot from under her head to keep it there, keep his thrusts steady, rhythmic.

His whispered words of praise were a change she didn’t know what to do with because they weren’t a hinderance but they didn’t help either. She was just stuck, hanging by a thread between pent up aggravation and euphoria, the only thing holding her back was Bellamy’s orgasm.

“Bell, I need you to come.”

“What?”

“Please, come for me.”

Bellamy adjusted himself behind her and thrusted harder, faster. Clarke was still on edge and after she felt him pulse as his thrust stutter before he came with her just behind.

Softening inside her, Bellamy pulled out and pulled away from her. Clarke collected her self from ruin and rolled over and was about to curl into his side when she saw his contorted, confused face. “What is it?”

“How long?”

“What do you mean?”

“How long have you been faking it?”

“I haven’t been faking it.”

“You also haven’t come before me in months and only allowed me to realize it now. Why?”

“For a year it was all about you and your release, I guess I got so accustomed to it that I can’t until you do.”

“You should have told me!”

“I… Bellamy, you’re not good with hearing things like that so I thought maybe if I didn’t tell you, if I tried fixing it myself, that it would fix itself but Echo found out and it’s partly why she wants us to go together.”

“And your time is better than mine?”

“I don’t need her like you do,” she said guilt ridden at what the underlying problem was that she neglected to say that his problems ran deeper than hers. That’s not something he needed a reminder of.

He didn’t say anything as his jaw locked and turned his head to stare up at the coffered ceiling.

“I didn’t mean it like that. I—I love you and I love how we were but I also feel that there’s a healthier way to do it.”

“You’re telling me that I can’t make you come, that the one thing that I want is an impossible feat.”

“No, that’s not what I said. I can’t come until you do, that’s different.”

“How? I eat you out and you can’t come. That’s _awesome_ , Clarke!”

“I…” Clarke licked her lips, trying to find the right words. “I can because I see how worked up you get over it. I see how much you want me to and seeing you writhing on the bed, creating friction for yourself, I imagine you coming in your boxers. It’s not fair, it’s not right, but I can’t help it. I’ve tried. I think seeing Echo together will help us figure it out.”

“That’s what you want?”

“It’s her suggestion but I think it’s worth a shot. She’s helped you so much, Bellamy. You might not see it yet but I do.”

“I’m still not a fully functioning human,” Bellamy grimaced, sitting up and throwing his legs over the edge of the bed.

“And that’s okay,” Clarke said to his back. She knew he was dismissing her, that he needed time to think about it all. “It takes time and I understand that. I’m still working on me too.”

“Our friends will be here soon, we should get ready.”

* * *

“Are you two okay?” Octavia asked while Clarke was tossing the salad for their feast.

“I never really have an answer to that question,” Clarke grimaced as Octavia picked up the basket of croissants.

“Oh, sorry, I thought…”

“No, you’re fine. We had a fight this morning and I said something he misconstrued and we just need to talk about it.”

“Okay, because he seems really hurt and you know I’ll kill you if you hurt him.”

Clarke laughed, her eyes going over to Bellamy talking animatedly with Miller in the living room. “Yeah, I know.” She looked back to the salad with a soft sigh.

Something was off, something Clarke couldn’t quite put her finger on and it had something to do with being with Bellamy. Their drastic 180 was the only thing coming to mind.


	14. Green Monster

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Am I the only one who sees how OOC they were in the last chapter? I still can’t take anything that happened in the last chapter seriously. BELLAMY SMILED AT PEOPLE!

“Clarke, I didn’t know you’d be here,” Echo said when he walked into the room Friday.

“I didn’t know either,” she said looking to Bellamy before taking her usual seat on the right side of the couch.

“Okay, what happened?”

“She…” Bellamy started with a boom that took Echo back a bit before he took a breath and continued softer. “She can’t come until I do, what am I supposed to take away from that?”

“That’s fair. Have you two discussed it?”

“He’s avoided me since finding out yesterday morning.”

“That’s not true. I was talking to our guests.”

“Yeah, that aided your avoidance! You had an out, you had a reason to avoid talking to me. How is that fair? How can we become better if you avoid talking about our problems?”

“I don’t know how to talk about our problems with you! I try and try and I don’t know what to say when you tell me you can’t come!”

“Bellamy,” Echo stayed calmly and he fell back into the couch opposite Clarke.

His breathing slowly went back to normal and Clarke’s eyes wouldn’t stop darting between them. Echo has this hold, this power over Bellamy that she never knew could exist. She calmed him, Clarke has never seen Bellamy so calm.

“I still can’t wrap my head around it. That weekend we had a bath and she came countless times when I hadn’t. Then yesterday morning happened and found out everything I thought I knew was a lie.”

“I didn’t lie to you, I never lied to you, Bellamy. I just never came before you.”

He scoffed, “Literally or more so?”

“Both. It’s all about you. It’s always been about you, I can make myself believe that you came, I can make myself think that I come before you but I don’t and never will.”

“That’s what you believe? That’s what you think? Then why are you here? Why are you with me?”

“Because… because I love you and no matter how hard I’ve tried, I can’t just walk away from you.”

Clarke watched the muscle in his jaw bounce erratically as he absorbed what she said and the meaning behind the words. That she’s tried walking away, that she’s tried being done and leaving him and she couldn’t. She couldn’t leave because his hold on her was too tremendous. Clarke saw those wheels turning in his head, making the wrong assumptions of what she said and she still remained silent.

“Explain,” Echo said and Clarke knew it was because she knew it wasn’t what Clarke meant.

“I’ve tried walking away, haven’t I? That night you stood me up six months ago, after our date, at the Japanese restaurant that knows us by name. I walked out three times and after every time, I came back. You’re my addiction, Bellamy, and the only way to be free and clear of you is if I moved away, out of the city. Out of the state, but I can’t leave you. I’m too in love with you, so please, stop acting like I’m going to leave and work with me to get us to a healthy place.”

“Then marry me. I can’t keep thinking you have one foot out the door.”

“Bellamy,” Echo warned.

“You don’t—“ Clarke shook her head. “I can’t—we’re not… Bellamy, you can’t ask that of me!”

“Why not? You know that’s what I want! I told you that months ago!”

“And I told you we were nowhere near ready for that. That we’d discuss moving in together and then discuss getting married. I thought that was a whole year away and it’s barely been four months!”

“Then move in, and let’s plan a wedding. I can’t just—“

“Bellamy, you’re acting irrational,” Echo said and he looked at her.

“Irrational? This is me thinking straight. I can’t live without her and I thought I made that clear but I haven’t. Clarke, please.”

“I… I can’t. Not now, not yet. I don’t think that’s the right move right now.”

“You love me but you don’t want to live with me? I practically live at your place!”

“Exactly, you want me to move in. That means your apartment, which I’ve been to three times in the last eighteen months. I’m not comfortable there.”

“Then we can live at your house, or we can find somewhere. I don’t care, I just want you.”

“Bellamy, you’re not listening to Clarke and what she wants. You want to live with her, but she isn’t ready. Haven’t we’ve been working on patience and understanding?”

“I’ve been patient. Clarke has known what I’ve wanted for months. Since our date and…”

“That’s not what I meant and you know that. You need to think about what Clarke wants and no matter how much you want something, there needs to be a compromise. A few days living together, a few weeks, a month, grow into living together fully. It’s a compromise, you already spend the night at her house but actually pack and prepare for it.”

“Like a sleepover?” Bellamy grimaced.

“Exactly.”

“I can do that,” Clarke said. “At my place, it’s a real house that’s paid off. It’s a little farther from work but it’s cheaper living.”

“Are you sure?” Bellamy asked.

“Yes, it’s… easier isn’t the right word but I feel like it’s the best progression option that we have. Are you sure?”

Bellamy took a moment to think and Clarke watched his mind flicker back and forth over everything, her choices and his options and slowly nodded. “I want this.”

* * *

Bellamy walked into the house and smirked at the sight of Clarke on the floor cleaning something up but the yoga pants, the light grey yoga pants were doing something amazing to her ass and it had nothing to do with the visible wet spot at the apex of her thighs.

 _Fuck_ , if he could come home to this everyday for the rest of his life, he’d be happy.

She still doesn’t know he’s home—home, still sounds right—so he quietly came up behind her, got down on his knees and drove his nose right into the dark, damp spot between her thighs, taking a deep breath before taking a lick, needing a taste.

“Mm,” she chuckled. “Hi, babe.” She shook her ass in front of his face.

“Hi,” Bellamy smiled, squeezing her ass and tightening the fabric over her clot and labia giving her some friction, not enough.

“Did you have a good day?”

“Mhmm, better now,” he told her, his focus on the gorgeous sight in front of him and not their conversation.

“What’s going through your head?” she asked and even without paying full attention, Bellamy knew she was smiling and excited about what they’re going to do.

“I want to tear these in half and fuck you,” he growled, he’s well aware of his tone and craving that he’s accepting his lack of control. He needs her and wants her… to come first.

“I’ve been thinking about that all day.”

Bellamy growled, grabbing the elastic band holding the pants on her waist and yanking it down, confirming his assumption of her not wearing any panties and giving him a prime view of Clarke’s glistening cunt.

He groaned, pulling two fingers into his mouth for lubricant before he pushed a thick finger into her, and it's quickly followed by the second.

Slowly he works them deeper into her, in and out again. "God," she mumbles, head lolling down and he thought he heard a thunk against the floor. "You’re soaked, Clarke. You feel that?"

He glides his fingers out of her and brings them to his mouth, licking them clean. She looks back at him proudly, not an ounce of embarrassment.

"I feel it," she practically growled, clearly needing more. He’s going to make her beg.

It's honestly ridiculous how much he affects her and how much she affects him. He’s harder than a rock in his dark slacks but he can’t do anything about that, she has to learn how to come before him. She has to come before him, she deserves the multiple orgasms that go with him coming last. That’s how it is, that’s how it should be and how he wants it to be.

“What do you want, baby? What can I do?” he asked, already knowing the answer but loved hearing her beg for it.

“Just this is great,” she moaned pushing back into his fingers as he pulled back to add another thick finger, knowing the stretch would remind her of the stretch around his cock.

“You don’t want another?”

She groaned at the thought as she fucked herself on his fingers. “Yes, please. One more. I need another.”

“How can I say no to my princess when she asks so sweetly?” Bellamy smiled, pressing a kiss to her ass before adding another finger, rubbing his fingers against her g-spot, causing her to convulse and quiver around his fingers. Her gasps and moans and squeals told him she’s close and he was aching for her to come. He needed his own release but she comes first, she has to learn that, they have to work on that together and he knew he could wait her out.

She came with a scream muffled by her biting her lip and Bellamy groaned. He wanted to hear her properly and he was going to get it.

He flipped her over onto her back, his fingers deep within her still as she looked up at him looming over her and her excitement couldn’t be contained, she thought he was finally going to fuck her, he’s not, he’s going to have her cum on his fingers again but this time she’s not going to be able to silence her scream.

“Hands above your head and if you move them, I’m not going to fuck you tonight.”

Clarke blinked at him and he gave her a look of don’t dare cross me right now because I can walk away so her hands shot up above her head and grabbed the leg of the dining room table that he was vaguely aware of before that.

This time it took him less time to get her there, she was already so sensitive and his tongues ministrations on her nipples, aided him nicely.

“You act like this is your job,” she chuckled as he carried her to their bedroom. Their bedroom, it still sounded surreal in his head.

“It’s my favorite job,” he countered and her smile turned to a frown.

“This shouldn’t be burdening.”

“It’s not, Princess. If anything, it’s our actual jobs that are the burden. This is what I’d much rather be doing every minute of everyday.”

“You love your job.”

“Yeah, but I love you more.”

Clarke didn’t respond and Bellamy grimaced.

“What’s wrong?”

“We—we’ve talked about moving in and we have that plan and we talked about getting engaged and married but there’s something we haven’t talked about that I think we should and I know we have Echo for things like this but what if we try talking about big things on our own?”

“Depending on what it is.”

Clarke looked at the floor, gorgeous as hell and naked. “Children.”

“Clarke…”

“I want them,” she said sternly while sounding ashamed.

“Then we’re on the same page,” Bellamy smiled, taking her hand in his. Nudging her with his shoulder. “Clarke, I know I’m difficult and I have a lot of issues that I’ve repressed for years and these last few months digging them up with Echo have been trying. Like taking steps forwards and backwards simultaneously, we—“

“You’ve made a lot of progress, Bellamy. You’re—you’re not perfect, you’re never going to be so if you could stop trying to be and be you while still taking in everything you’ve been learning. I don’t think there’s a version… okay, the first month working with you sucked,” she laughed. “That you I can’t love but you’ve grown and I want to say it’s all because of me but I can’t take all the credit. You’ve bettered yourself, you’re my favorite version of you and I think we’re going to be happy if we just communicate with each other and not keep secrets, not hide our truths, okay? Can you promise me that?”

“I might be furious and I might not be able to restrain myself, you know?”

Clarke smiled, “I know.”

“God, you really thought this was a good time to bring this up? I’m meeting your parents in two days!”

“I didn’t really think about it but I’m glad we did.”

“Mm,” Bellamy hummed noncommittally as his stomach growled. “Am I making dinner?”

“I took out ground turkey, I thought tacos or… I don’t know, you’re the chef.”

“What is with you always wanting tacos? You’re addicted!” he laughed, kissing her temple. “Wash up while I cook? I want to smell lilacs on you.”


	15. Merry Christmas, Baby

Clarke looked out the window of her childhood home, feeling like she was back in high school again, her father grading essays just down the hall in his study, her mother off at the hospital saving lives, not freaking out over the results of a pregnancy test she took while Bellamy and Kane are bonding in her father’s study over Cuban cigars and aged malt whiskey, her mother off at the hospital saving lives, that part hadn’t changed.

She knew she should have asked about it sooner, she shouldn’t have asked because she thought she was pregnant, getting the confirmation two minutes ago.

Christmas was hours away and Clarke couldn’t just tell him that she’s pregnant with his kid, not on Christmas, not in front of her parents. She needs to come up with something. Her mother still hadn’t met Bellamy, just Marcus Kane. It wasn’t that she hated that her mother had moved on, she knew it was bound to happen at some point during their week here, she just didn’t know when.

“Hey, I thought you were going to bed,” Bellamy slipped his arms around her waist and pressed a kiss to her neck.

“Couldn’t sleep. It feels weird being here after so long.”

Bellamy nodded, nuzzling her throat.

“You’re drunk.”

“I’m tipsy and horny. Your mom’s going to be home in an hour,” he said spinning her around and back against his chest to kiss him properly.

“And you want to make use of that hour?” she smirked. “I’m not really in the mood for sex, do you want a blowjob?”

“With your mouth? Always, you’re the screamer anyway, don’t want Marcus to know what’s going on. Wait, is this going to set us back on your orgasms?”

“Bell, I’m offering. I think my orgasms can survive non reciprocal oral.”

“You’ve been on the receiving end of it more often than me.”

“That’s because you’re fuck happy,” Clarke laughed, her fingers toying with his belt, loosening it slowly and driving him absolutely mad and he ripped it out of the loops onto the floor.

“You’re so frustrating.”

“You’re aggressive when drunk, I kinda like it.”

“You just want to choke on my cock, don’t you baby?”

“Mm, if I really wanted that, I’d send you back down for more whiskey.”

“You send me down for more whiskey, we’re not stopping at a blowjob,” he said licking into her mouth roughly.

Clarke groaned, wishing she didn’t feel sick to her stomach over her little secret, maybe just sick because of it. She’d been craving food she doesn’t typically eat and the realization of what it meant after all the time was so overwhelming that she didn’t think she could have sex with him right now.

She bit her lip and dropped down to her knees with a hand in his to keep her steady before she pulled his unbuttoned pants down to reveal his half-erect dick as he pumped it one, no twice to get it further along. She teased him with kitten licks, knowing they got him worked up and he got fully hard while she sucked one of his balls into her mouth. His groan was so loud he clamped his hand over his mouth, it’s been a while since they did this.

Clarke popped his ball out of her mouth audibly and before he could give her any direction she sucked him all the way into her mouth and down her throat until she knew if she went any further she would gag.

“Fuck, baby, I love your pretty mouth. Always surprise me, never the same,” he sighed. “You want me to fuck your mouth?”

Clarke shook her head no, popping him out of her mouth and looked up at him. “I love you.”

“I love you too, baby. What’s going on?” he asked suddenly concerned. She wanted to give him this, she wanted to be his filthy girl, but her mind kept drifting to the fetus growing inside her, the cells multiplying by the dozens—thousands—how far along is she? What is he going to say? When did they stop using condoms?

“Nothing, I just wanted to tell you that.”

He smiled. “You’re perfect,” he told her as she sucked the length of him like a popsicle. They didn’t stop until he was spilling his load down her throat, him holding her head steady as he rocked his hips against her face. She leaned back, her throat sore as she stared up at him through her watery eyelashes as she gently tongues at the tip of his softening cock.

Bellamy’s breathing slowly went back to normal and he released Clarke’s head, abruptly stopping her ministrations on his half-hard shaft.

“You okay? That was deeper than usual.”

She nodded as she stood. “Stretch my throat out more often,” she smiled kissing his lips.

_When was she allowed to start doing that? How much progress has Bellamy been making without her knowing?_

“Mm, we definitely will. That was amazing. Are you tired?”

She nodded as he pulled her into him.

“God,” he sighed. “Let me know when I can propose to you, okay? I’m dying to marry you.”

“I’ll definitely let you know.”

* * *

“Merry Christmas, Mom,” Clarke smiled when Abby walked into the kitchen for coffee, sipping on her own cup of decaf.

“Merry Christmas, sweetie. What are you doing up?”

She shrugged, “Couldn’t sleep.”

“What’s on your mind?”

“You can’t tell Bellamy.”

“I haven’t even _met_ Bellamy,” Abby noted, changing the k-cups from the Keurig.

“I love him, Mom. I want to be with him forever and I… I want everything with him but I don’t know how to do that.”

“Clarke, I’m your mother. Do you think I don’t know you’re not telling me the whole truth?”

Clarke rolled her eyes, watching Abby pull two more mugs from the cabinet. “I found out I’m pregnant last night and he doesn’t know. I don’t know how to tell him and I don’t know how he’ll take it.”

“I thought you’ve only been together for a few months.”

“Technically, yes, four. Physically, a year and a half.”

“Clarke,” Abby sighed, looking at her daughter with disappointing eyes, before turning to her coffee that just finished brewing. “He’s your boss,” she took a satisfying sip of her coffee.

“I know and I never did anything with him to get ahead. Hell, I didn’t even want the job, but I needed one and I was lucky. I wouldn’t have met him otherwise.”

“Clarke the last time we spoke you hated your job and you hated him.”

“I hated my job because working directly for him was horrible for us as a couple. I’m in the art department now, we don’t spend our days together so we have more to talk about when we see each other after work. Are we not going to talk about me being pregnant?”

“When he can walk in at any moment? No. we can discuss it tomorrow.”

“Tomorrow?” Clarke grimaced. “We’re still doing that? Raven isn’t here.”

“Does Raven have to be here for us to have a spa day?”

“Is it really a spa day if we talk about stressful topics?”

“Discussing it could have a relaxing result,” Abby told her and Clarke had to agree she did have a point.

“You win. Could you at least try to have an open mind when you meet him? He’s a good guy and he loves me.”

“I promise.”

They moved to the living room where, over the years, less and less gifts were piled under a small fake tree. They didn’t need much from each other anymore but that didn’t atop Bellamy from bringing things he thought they would like based on what Clarke told him about them the two weeks before they left LA.

Clarke laughed, sticking to the opera tickets she got her mom for March and Knicks tickets for January for Marcus. She had trouble getting something for Bellamy, he has everything he ever wanted, settling on a vintage Rolex Daytona that cost her more than she should have spent but she thought of him when she saw it in the storefront and bought it on a whim.

Ten minutes after they moved to the living room, Marcus joined them and a half hour after him, Bellamy, still accustomed to California time.

“Morning, babe,” he said leaning over he back of the couch to kiss Clarke’s cheek before turning his full attention to Abby. “Mrs. Griffin, it’s very nice to meet you. Your house is lovely.” He held out his hand for her to shake and Abby politely did with a smile.

“Thank you, Bellamy. It’s wonderful to finally meet you, I hear you’ve made quite a stir in the publishing business the last few years.”

“You could say that,” he smiled proudly. “Good morning, Marcus.”

Kane nodded with a fond smile.

“Bell, there’s coffee in the kitchen. There should be bagels too, if Marcus didn’t eat them all,” Clarke joked.

“Cool. Thanks, I’ll be back,” he smiled, departing to the kitchen.

“Very polite,” Abby said simply.

“I didn’t even have to train him,” Clarke jabbed back.

They watched _A Christmas Story_ and Abby asked if Marcus wanted to open his gifts and it was all very linear and totalitarian and Clarke was used to it, knowing Bellamy wasn’t, Octavia was all over the place and tore through her presents because they didn’t have good Christmases growing up.

Bellamy got Marcus a few books, all signed by the authors, he might not have time to read them while he’s mayor but it’s the thought that counted and Marcus did say he wanted to read them so he did a good job. Abby got him Yankee tickets, not season tickets but good seats and a good number of games. Clarke got him a few ties, she never really knew what to get him, but knew he was in public often enough that a few new ties would look good to the people, less repetition.

“Clarke helped me pick the books,” Bellamy lied, his hand a little too high on her thigh.

Abby went next and Marcus got her a new surgical cap and a few blouses and shoes to wear to events they’ll have to attend. Bellamy got her a gift certificate to a very nice spa, not knowing that it’s the one she and Clarke will be spending their day at tomorrow. And Clarke got her what she’s always gotten her mother since she was a child, a pair of slippers and a sweater, this yeAr she added in a gift certificate to her mother’s favorite restaurant in the city.

They always saved Clarke for last so next up was Bellamy and Abby smiled at him, “We didn’t know what to get you and Clarke wasn’t much help.”

“That’s not true, I said he doesn’t want anything except for me, which wasn’t exactly helpful but the only things that he wants are intangible.”

“Right, what she said so we’re offering prime office space in a brand new building here in Manhattan if you want to expand out here.”

Clarke grimaced, she doubted they had that planned, they just want to see their grandchild. The grandchild whose father doesn’t know about him yet.

“Are you serious?” Bellamy grimacing even though he sounded excited.

“We’ll cover the first six months, let you settle in and get everything ready with staff. Is that something you’d want?” Marcus asked eyeing Clarke warily.

“I never really thought about expanding. I think, maybe my foundation should expand but the publishing house… I don’t know. I’m definitely going to talk about it with my lawyers though. Thank you.”

“We can go see the property tomorrow while Abby and Clarke are away.”

“Away?” Bellamy asked Clarke.

“We always go to the spa the day after Christmas, Raven’s usually with us. I was going to tell you. Open your present.”

He nodded, turning to the small box that held the watch and after he unwrapped it, he eyed Clarke before opening it and he just stared at it. “Clarke…”

“You suck at telling time,” she joked.

He smirked, “It looks like your dad’s.”

“Same series, different year.”

“It’s awesome. Thank you, babe,” he kissed her cheek.

“You’re welcome.”

Lastly it was Clarke’s turn and she had a pile of presents and she rolled her eyes, her mother always did this and Clarke had strategically packed for her to do it. She’s getting a lot of clothes, it’s what her mother does when she’s stressed at work before a big surgery, online shopping.

Clarke opened all the clothes first, liking the dresses, blouses, and sweaters before grabbing the box that was from Marcus. They didn’t have the best start, hell, they had a horrible Christmas when she was last there with Raven two years ago. Clarke had the right to be skeptical about what Marcus got her.

Lifting the lid, she nearly cried, charcoals and a sketchbook and the one piece of artwork she’s ever sold, the only one she ever had displayed in a gallery, even though it was in college.

“How did you…”

“There was a senate seat open that year in California, I was thinking about moving there and running but it didn’t work out. You still hated me but your school was having an exhibit and I saw this drawing of your father and I had to buy it. No one else should have that.”

“Why are you giving it to me?”

“He’s your father and no matter how much I love your mother and love you, I’m never going to replace him. Knowing who he was and how he was with you, there is no replacement and I’m sorry that it came across like I was trying to.”

Clarke nodded, “Thank you. I’m sorry I was a bitch about it.”

Marcus chuckled, “I kind of deserved it. You have one more to open.”

Clarke looked at the small box that was Bellamy’s present and she grimaced. “What the hell did you get me?” she asked him picking it up off the coffee table.

Bellamy rolled his eyes, “Open it and find out.”

“You’re the worst,” she grumbled ripping the wrapping paper off the box and popped it open to find a sapphire pendant with matching drop earrings inside. “Jeez, Bellamy, they’re gorgeous.”

“I figured you could wear them tonight.”

“Tonight?” Clarke grimaced before looking over at her mother. “I thought you said we weren’t going to Jaha’s this year.”

“We weren’t, but…”

“You’ve always wanted to fly the chopper, right?” Kane finished and Clarke looked between the three of them wondering what drugs were pumping through the house to get them to all agree on this without even talking to each other.

“Yeah, but I don’t technically… It’s been three years since I’ve copiloted.”

“All the more reason, you can get back into it here and get your license out in LA.”

“I’m still in utter shock that you’re a badass helicopter pilot,” Bellamy smiled.

“Almost, I only have a permit and I think it’s expired.”

“It’s not,” Marcus informed.

“Okay, then I guess we’re going to the Hamptons tonight,” Clarke grimaced, feeling guilty about Wells for the thousandth time in the two years since the accident. She hadn’t seen much of Thelonious but still feels like he blames her somehow.

* * *

“We don’t have to go,” Bellamy said around two o’clock as he was tucking his white shirt into his black suit pants.

“We do. I’ve avoided Thelonious since Wells’ funeral, I can’t not face him.”

“Wow, double negative, you’re trying very hard to distract me from this. Wells was your best friend, besides Raven and O?”

“Yeah, he was there through every embarrassing moment of my life. There’s definitely a scrapbook that his mom made when we were ten that’s dedicated to our wedding. Lana was convinced that we were destined to be together.”

“Did you ever see him like that?”

“He was like a brother to me, which I found out after him being my first kiss and he told me he was in love with me.”

Bellamy nodded, “Has that happened a lot? People falling in love with you?”

“Wells, Raven’s boyfriend, Lexa, you… three too many times,” she smiled, wrapping her arms around Bellamy’s neck, pulling him down for a kiss.

“Raven’s boyfriend?”

“Finn, back in high school. Raven was away at school and he’d just transferred. I didn’t know about Raven and he didn’t know he was ever going to see her again. He did and I got out of the way but he loved me more than he loved her. The trust was already broken. Raven and I bonded over it and stayed in touch while she was at UCLA, I’d already applied there when it all happened so I didn’t follow her there, it just seemed like the right choice at the time and then I met your sister there so, it all worked out, right?”

Bellamy smiled at her, “Most definitely. Can I see that drawing again?”

Clarke pulled the drawing of her father out of her desk drawer and handed it over to Bellamy.

“Do you think he’d be proud of you?”

“For dropping out of med school, yeah. He’d be disappointed in me for not pursuing my art.”

“And me?”

“I think he’d like you and he would definitely have an opinion on you keeping me happy. Zip me up?” she turned her back to him so he could zipper her dress.

“Keeping you happy?” he asked as one hand pulled the tight black dress together as the other pulled the zipper up.

“Yeah, I’m his daughter, he just wants me happy, Bellamy. He didn’t care about my sexual orientation because he just wants me happy. That’s a parent’s job.”

“I don’t think I could do that. I mean, I want them to be happy and I don’t care about their orientation, I don’t think I can just accept whoever they bring into our family.”

“Maybe you’ll learn with time. It’s not happening right away.”

“Just fourteen or so years after birth.”

“Probably start dating then, yeah,” Clarke smirked.

“Is that when you started dating?”

“Kind of. That’s a story for a different time, not when I’m about to fly a helicopter for the first time in three years.”

“Yeah, I don’t know why we’re trusting you with that,” he laughed, pressing a chaste kiss to her lips before turning back to get his blazer.

* * *

Flying a helicopter wasn’t like riding a bike, you don’t remember after not doing it for over a decade. Clarke looked at the controls, wondering what belonged to what and looked over at Kane who smirked before calling out the controls for her to follow.

Bellamy made a comment once they were in the air and she nearly turned them on their side to hit him.

They arrived at the Jaha mansion in one piece and headed inside where Clarke’s nerves rose.

“Clarke!” she heard nearly immediately, she could never forget his voice. “You’re a wonderful vision, to what do we owe the honor?”

“I came home for the holiday. Thelonious Jaha, may I introduce to you my boyfriend, Bellamy Blake, founder of Blake Publishing.”

“So you’re the man keeping our beloved Clarke in California?” Thelonious smiled shaking Bellamy’s hand.

“I’d like to think it’s the weather and I’m just a perk. It’s a pleasure to meet you, sir.”

The night was different than the usual Jaha Christmas parties. Less people and more morose due to Thelonious being the last one alive. He wasn’t people’s favorite, he knew how to manipulate the masses but one on one he was prickly and difficult to swallow.

Bellamy found Clarke hours later on the balcony with a velvet cloak wrapped around her, still shivering as snow fell around her. “You okay?”

“We can’t fly home in the snow, not even Marcus can. It’s too dangerous.”

“You mean we’re staying here?”

“Nowhere else to go,” she shrugged.

“Are you okay?”

Clarke turned around and looked at him, backlit by the party inside with his hands in his pockets. “I love you.”

“I know. You should come back inside, it’s too cold out here.”

“I will, just a few more minutes.”

“Are you thinking about Wells?”

Clarke grimaced. _No, I’m thinking about our unborn child, trying to think of a way to tell you about it._ “Yeah, thinking about Wells, all the memories of him here. It’s why I didn’t want to come.”

Bellamy nodded, stepping further out onto the balcony. “I rarely visit my mom, I don’t even drive near the shit hole apartment we used to live in. I avoid the entire neighborhood.”

Clarke didn’t know what to say so she just nodded.

“Three minutes and then I’m dragging you back inside to defrost.”

“Deal,” Clarke sighed, turning back to the railing and heard the doors click closed behind her. “What the hell am I going to do?” she asked herself, hand on her stomach.


	16. Look at Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... I wrote this while drinking wine. A LOT of wine. I closed on my new house on Thursday, spent all day Friday dealing with contractors and the likes of all that wonderfulness. Saturday, I drank wine while painting my bedroom and staring at my ceiling hating it, I needed A LOT of wine. So this was the outcome of wine induced writing... is that a thing? Wine infused writing? That's the winner. This is the outcome of wine infused writing... and possibly listening to some rap music... It's in there... I think I'm still a little drunk.

“Are you sure about Bellamy?” was the first question out of Abby’s mouth when they arrived at the spa on December 26th.

“What?”

“To father your child, to be there for you through it all?”

“Jesus, Mom, yes. He’s going to be a great dad, I just don’t think that now is the right time.”

“When is the right time?”

“Not when we’re finally getting our acts together as a couple. I’m twenty-five, I don’t want a child yet, I want to be able to relax and go on amazing vacations with my boyfriend. We were talking about going to Thailand on the flight here, we can’t do that with a baby.”

“There’s a lot you can’t do with a baby around, Clarke. You have options.”

“I know, but I can’t make a decision without telling Bellamy. He’s the father, he deserves to know.”

Abby nodded, “So when are you telling him?”

“I don’t know,” she shook her head, deciding on the Enchantment package because she didn’t want to wait around for Abby who always picks the Nirvana package. Same duration, less interaction.

Clarke should have known better than to tell her mother about her pregnancy because the entire four hours, Abby wouldn’t stop asking questions that Clarke didn’t have the answers to and it was more stressful than it should have been. They’re at a spa for goodness sake! The whole point was to relax and destress, the complete opposite to what actually happened.

Walking into the house afterwards, Clarke went straight to her room and collapsed onto her bed, closing her eyes in hopes to forget the entire afternoon.

“You okay?” Bellamy asked a minute later.

“How was your day?”

“Apparently not as bad as yours.”

“My mother wouldn’t stop grilling me about you, all four hours of our spa relaxation, let’s just say, I desperately need you to fuck me stupid.”

“I can arrange that,” he chuckled. “How would you feel about a little Utah getaway?”

“Utah?”

“Yeah, I have a meeting in Salt Lake City on the third and I thought since we were scheduled to go back to LA on the second, we could just go to Park City for a few days, just you and me.”

“This is for work?”

“An hour, two max on the morning of the third, you’ll still be asleep.”

“Are you sure?”

“I’m your boss, I could tell you that you have to do it.”

“Totalitarian,” Clarke chuckled before remembering her afternoon. “Will you hold me? I need you.”

“Am I holding you or fucking you?”

“Hold me now, fuck me later.”

Bellamy nodded, climbing onto the bed next to Clarke who turned onto her side for him to wrap his arms around her.

“You don’t want to talk about it?”

“She’s… she doesn’t know how to let go. She still sees me as this twelve year old little girl that worshipped the ground she walked on because I was so entranced by the magic of surgery. I’m not that girl anymore, I haven’t been for a decade. I went to med school to try and please her but I couldn’t. My heart wasn’t in it.”

“Your heart wasn’t in publishing either. You grew to love that.”

“I grew to love you,” she corrected. “No, I always loved books and I always wanted to know what went into them being brought to fruition and there’s a _lot_!”

Bellamy laughed, “Yeah, I didn’t think about that when I started, I just wanted to tell stories that needed to be heard. The stuff that changes lives and broadens horizons. That save lives.”

“The foundation. You have such a big heart, Bellamy.”

“I just know what I’ve been through and want to help kids with rough childhoods, lessen the devastation.”

“When did you have time for that? When I was your assistant—“

“A lot of emailing Murphy.”

“Murphy?”

“He runs the foundation for me, I should probably have someone a little softer, more charismatic in the position but I trust him.”

“I thought he was going to culinary school.”

“Yeah, he is. Have you tried anything he’s made?”

“No?”

“Oh, we should. I’ll call him about it when we get back to town, he and Emori… do you know her? She’s in IT?”

“I know you know almost everyone, you have to because you’re the boss but I know no one in person, it was mostly emails.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, you had me get them there and I let them in the most interaction I had with someone aside from Miller, Monty, and Harper was letting people into your office.”

Bellamy shook his head, letting it turn into a nuzzle into her neck and they fell into a comfortable silence.

Clarke woke up to soft kisses trailing her shoulder and neck, moaning at the little nip on her earlobe. She rolled her hips back into his, feeling his thick erection trapped in his jeans.

“Mm, babe,” he moaned, gripping her hips to still her.

She wanted him, she always wants him and she couldn’t control herself when he’s like this either. She rolled over onto her back so she could look at him, kiss him properly.

His mouth covered hers as he kissed her slow and deep, his tongue lazily exploring her mouth, dancing against hers. She loved kissing him, loved how powerful they were as she forgot where they were, everything fading away until all that was left was her and Bellamy.

His hand slid down her stomach to the apex of her thighs, her leggings told him just how ready she is for him as he rubbed lazy circles over the wet spot.

“Bell, please…” she sighed against his lips.

“Hmm?”

“I need more.”

“I did agree to fuck you, you promise to be quiet for me?”

Clarke grimaced before remembering they’re at her parents’ house. “Yeah, yeah. I can be quiet.”

Bellamy chuckled as he pulled her tight leggings off, “You can’t even when you try, it’s cute.”

Clarke groaned when he kissed back up her body to her throat, she would have loved his mouth on her clit.

“Don’t worry, Princess,” he tweaked her nipple through her shirt and bustier. “I got you. You’re going to come so much tonight.”

“Promise.”

“You know who you’re talking to?”

Clarke chuckled, trying to get her hands on his cock but he stopped her one handed and threw her hands over her head, holding them there in a vice grip.

This. She missed this.

“You don’t want my shirt off?” she teased, knowing her ample breasts always worked against him. Even if she didn’t, the way he glanced down at the dusty blue shirt covering them was all the confirmation she needed.

“Patience.”

“You and patience, sure,” Clarke smirked.

Bellamy grimaced, “Do you really think sassing me right now is a good idea?”

Clarke bit her lip. She missed this side of him. “Yes.”

“Yes, _what?”_ he growled,

“Yes, sir.”

“That’s a good girl,” his free hand went back to massaging her clit. “What happens when you’re a good girl?”

“We both get what we want.”

“And what do we both want?”

“Mutually beneficial sex with me getting off at least twice before you. Doctor’s orders.”

“What is with you talking back today? If this is how you’re going to act with your mother around, we aren’t visiting often,” he said grinding his hips down against her clit, his fingers slid into Clarke’s mouth without her knowledge before she sucked hard to taste her own tangy juices from his fingers. “God, I love that mouth,” he growled, replacing his fingers with his lips, devouring her and making her lose sense of her surroundings again. She loved kissing him.

With his mouth trapping hers, he slid into her, long and slow and steady. So torturous that Clarke knew he had a point to make, she didn’t fight against his grip on her wrists, she held her own above her head waiting for him to trust her not to move them.

His thrusts were painfully slow and long, going all the way in to the hilt, hitting her cervix and Clarke loved the pleasure/pain, refusing to acknowledge the risk of something he doesn’t know about, something she couldn’t tell him about like this. Not when it felt so damn good.

“Mm, baby, you feel so damn good,” he praised and Clarke’s walls contracted around him eliciting a groan from him. “Fuck, baby girl, keep doing that. Don’t ever let me go.”

Clarke gasped as he slammed into her hard and fast for the first time and she aches to get her fingers in his hair but didn’t move her arms a millimeter while his hands trailed down to the clasps of her bustier going from her sternum just past her belly button, her blue shirt was raked up under her arms so he could see the nice cream lace that covered Clarke’s torso.

She moaned, wanting more from his thrusts but knew better than to push against what he wanted when he was like this. She was halfway there and she loved every stroke, she loved the hands holding her hips steady and the mouth attached to her nipple, sucking and licking and teeth grazing the too sensitive skin, throwing her into over drive.

Bellamy’s mouth popped off her and he looked at her and _fuck_ , it should be illegal how good he looks on the edge like that.

“Look at me,” he growled, pushing back into her at a new angle that had her eyes slamming shut with exquisite bliss.

She looked up at him and just watched him, she watched him watch her and it was surreal and beautiful and Clarke wondered why he wanted it like this, rough and gentle in tandem with each other.

“Baby, what do you need? I’m almost there and I need you to come.”

She wiggled her fingers from above her head, “May I?”

He nodded, eyes still locked on hers, wondering what she could possibly mean. “Yeah.”

She moved one arm down to his and grabbed the wrist, bringing it up to her throat.

“Clarke…” his eyes closed for a moment before pleading with her.

“Please.”

He gripped her throat, making sure to not hurt her but enough to cut off some air flow. The tight grip of his hand brought her closer and closer to her climax that when it happened it shuttered through her without warning and Bellamy grunted at the feel of her pussy convulsing around him.

Watching him restrain himself, from coming, from not squeezing her throat tighter… Clarke smiled at his restraint. Until he rolled off her and laid next to her, not touching her at all. “Clarke…”

“Don’t. I already know.”

“It was good for you, right?”

“I came just like you did.”

“While I was choking you. I can’t make love to you?”

“Of course you can! I just… I was in my head and that helped. Im sorry if it was a regression.”

“We have to balance our needs, right? I wanted to make love to you and what you needed was a rough fucking. I promised you that.”

“You did, but that doesn’t mean that I didn’t enjoy it. I just needed a little more to get me there.”

Bellamy nodded. “Are we going to be okay?”

“We were miserable apart so unless we’re more miserable together, I think we’re going to be just fine. You still want to marry me?”

“Yes, are you proposing?”

Clarke smirked, it’d be funny to turn the table on him like that. “No, just checking.”

“You still going to talk to me when you’re ready?” he reached over and untwined their fingers.

“Of course. I love you.”

“We should clean up and go check about dinner.”

She sighed and nodded.

* * *

To Clarke’s surprise, Bellamy had never been to Manhattan before. He’d been to the convention before, yearly, Clarke went with him last year and Luna is scheduled to go with him in May, but it never takes place in Manhattan, either LBI or Westchester, flying into JFK for it, so Clarke happily took him to all the tourist attractions during the next week of their stay. Let him feel how small their world was in Times Square, to the enormity of the world by over looking it at the Top of the Rock, even though it was freezing and flurrying.

Every place she took him to there was a moment where he could have proposed, he should have, but they didn’t talk about it, she didn’t tell him she was ready. She also didn’t tell him about the baby, as though it were some form of denial of its existence, if she didn’t tell him, there was no chance of him rejecting it. Rejecting her.

She also showed him her favorite places in the city. Showed him the _real_ Manhattan and he ate it up, he really liked when she talked about the histories of the buildings. She knew he was a history buff but she’d never actually witnessed it before.

Roan Iceman was one of the more well known bachelors of the Upper East Side, he’s also one of Clarke’s closer friends from living here. They didn’t keep in constant contact, following each other on social media and inviting the other to whatever party they were throwing, the latter being Roan’s part, she’s probably still on the mass send list of invitees from when they were growing up, even though he was four years older, he didn’t care that she was young, she was mature for her age… physically. Clarke knew the party was going to be huge, not just because of the location that he only sends out the day of because he doesn’t want commoners there even though some manage to squeeze their way in. She told Bellamy about it when she got the invite, knowing it was coming and he still for some reason agreed to go.

So she curled her hair and pulled on the sequin dress that itched when she moved a certain way and the highest heels she owned, looking to Bellamy in his suit sans the tie, the jacket will come off the moment they arrive and she really just wanted to stay in her room and let him have his way with her but she had a feeling Roan was going to stop inviting her if she did it go to the party again and she loves his parties, mainly for nostalgia but they always had some lame/quirky theme that only he could get away with having—and 40 plus year old divorces.

Clarke ordered an Uber before she put her make up on, knowing it was going to be an hour for anyone to be there to get them because of the holiday. It was downstairs when she was ready and she and Bellamy got in, ready for the party.

On the way up in the elevator Bellamy grimaced as they grew higher and higher over the city. “You said this was Roan Iceman’s party?”

“Yeah, we went to high school together… well, I was a freshman when he was a senior but our families went to the same functions so we knew each other pretty well. I think he was my first kiss.

“You _think_ he was your first kiss? How don’t you remember?”

“There was a lot of kissing that night, I don’t remember half of the people I kissed but I remember one was him, he’d just gotten back from Milan.”

Bellamy grimaced, “Right.”

“He was an aspiring model, getting his name out there. He owns half of Manhattan and Brooklyn now.”

“Him and Trump.”

Clarke rolled her eyes, she’s not getting into that with him. She’s just not. She sees both sides and where they’re coming from and can’t agree with him or disagree with him because they’re both right and they’re both wrong and it all makes her brain hurt. SHE HATES POLITICS. (A little louder for the people in the back) “Just be you,” she reminded him and he grimaced.

* * *

Bellamy groaned, he met Roan Iceman, hating how he looked at Clarke and then again for being a dick about him not publishing his friend’s novel, whomever they may be. Then his girlfriend popped up and Clarke turned into a whole different person and Bellamy didn’t know what happened. He didn’t like this version of Clarke. How could he be himself when she’s not?

The karaoke started and he really needed to be drunk if he was going to deal with _that._ He went to the bar and ordered a whiskey straight, Clarke has a champagne in her hand.

“Bellamy?”

He looked over at the brunette next to him and his stomach churned. “Roma, what are you doing here?”

“I was invited. I was friends with Roan when he was trying to become a model.”

“You know that’s not what I meant.”

“I know. I’ve been clean for years, and I’m sorry for what I did.”

“I’m sorry for what I did too. I’m getting help.”

Roma smiled softly, “Good. Does she know?” she asked nodding to where Clarke was most likely glaring at them.

“She doesn’t need to know,” his stomach churned as he squeezed his glass. It’s in the past.”

“I almost… I could have died and you haven’t told her? She said you’re engaged.”

“It’s not your business anymore. I’m sorry I did that, but we did it before and you were fine, you were high that night. You can’t blame me. Hell, you can’t even talk about this without breaking contract.”

Roma grimaced, “You’re still the same man you were when I left.”

“No, I’m better. She makes me better.”

“ _She’s_ a mask,” Roma growled before storming off.

Bellamy groaned, dropping his head onto the bar, taking deep breaths as a hand landed on his shoulder. “You okay?”

“That was my ex-wife. We were young and dumb on spring break in Vegas and got too drunk. It shouldn’t have happened, I stayed with her because I thought it was the right thing. I left because I was the reason she was shooting up. She’s clean now.”

“I didn’t know you were married.”

“I didn’t love her. I tried, but I couldn’t. I just…” he sighed, he really didn’t know how to describe his relationship with Roma. It was fucked up and a twisted power play that didn’t help him mentally.

“You tried doing the right thing by her. That’s who you are.”

“Clarke…”

“It’s part what I love about you.”

Bellamy smiled at her and he downed his drink asking the bartender for a double.

“We should mingle, there are plenty of people who still need to know about Blake Publishing.”

“I really don’t care. I only came for you. If we go home right now I can be ravishing your body at midnight and that’s my idea of ringing in the new year right.”

“I have to go up there with Glass but after that we can go.”

“When’s that?”

“Eleven thirty, I think is when she put our names down for.”

Bellamy groaned, another hour… “is there anyone here who I can have an actual conversation with that isn’t a dick measuring contest?”

“Your dick won me so contest over.”

“We’re going to talk about that later. Go have fun catching up with people, I’ll be around.”

She grimaced. She probably knows he’s going to stay here and overthink everything that happened with Roma, knowing that he didn’t tell her everything that happened with her because he didn’t… he couldn’t.

* * *

Clarke looked to Glass, they were always good at this which probably wasn’t something they should brag about. Two white girls rapping… sounds pretty horrible, everyone hated Iggy Azalea for a reason.

But it’s karaoke, it’s supposed to be horrible and done drunk, Clarke wasn’t but she could act drunk and that’s exactly what she’s going to do.

Standing on stage next to Glass as the song started, they looked at each other and started singing;

_“We gon get it on  
We gon get it on_

They were perfectly in sync like the old days and Clarke smiled.

 _“And we gon get it on_  
We gon get it on  
I know what you want  
Yeah I know what you want”

The first verse was all Clarke and she did this little dance that Bellamy was going to laugh at the entire time;

_“Lil mama want her hair pulled_  
_Legs pushed back_  
_Only like a Rottweiler in the kitty cat_  
_She want it wild_  
_Shawty wanna scream_  
_Want it from the front, back, side, and in between_  
_Want it all the time, she a fiend_  
_So good, I see it in my dreams_  
_She wanna arch her back when I hit it_  
_When I do it mama wanna holla get it  
_ _She said…_

_“Take it slow, put it down on me_  
_I said jump on it, ride like a pony_  
_Lights down low, time to get naughty  
_ _Lights down low, time to, time to get naughty”_

Glass jumps in for the second half of the chorus:

_“Take it slow, put it down on me_  
_Baby jump on it, ride like a pony_  
_Lights down low, time to get naughty  
_ _Lights down low, lights down low”_

_“And we gon get it on_  
_We gon get it on_  
_I know what you want  
_ _Yeah I know what you want”_

Glass tool over the second chorus, arguably Clarke’s favorite verse;

_“She said I'm going too fast, take it slow_  
_So I slapped her on the ass, start pullin' on her hair_  
_She nibbles on my ear like boy it's good  
_ _She love the way I'm tellin' how a man keep it hood”_

Clarke came in on the one line; “ _Give it to me daddy,”_

 _“That's what she keeps screamin,”_ Glass smiled.

Clarke came in again and it was truly comical; _“Give it to me daddy”_

Glass continued the verse, _“She love the way I beat it_  
_She wish that I can repeat it_  
_I got her in a trance_  
_Man I'm even fuckin friends_  
_Got 'her blowing like the wind_  
_She's shaking, got me impatient_  
_Back and forth pacin', man I need my medication_  
_Lights down low so we gettin' naughty  
__Making fuck faces, she ride me like a Harley_

Clarke came back to join Glass for the rest of the song;

_“Take it slow, put it down on me_  
_I said jump on it, ride like a pony_  
_Lights down low, time to get naughty_  
_Lights down low, time to, time to get naughty_  
_Take it slow, put it down on me_  
_Baby jump on it, ride like a pony_  
_Lights down low, time to get naughty  
_ _Lights down low, lights down low_

_“And we gon get it on_  
_We gon get it on_  
_I know what you want  
_ _Yeah I know what you want”_

 They laughed their way off stage, to their guys who were standing next to each other completely stunned by their performance.

“You boys okay?” Glass laughed, taking her drink from Roan’s grasp.

“That was fucking hot,” Bellamy growled, pulling Clarke into a scorching kiss.

“Damn, why don’t you kiss me like that?” Glass grimaced.

Clarke pulled away from Bellamy, hugging him and looking to her friends, “He’s just dying to fuck me and trying to convince me to leave early.”

“And she’s calling me out on my bullshit,” Bellamy kissed the top of her head.

“I’m glad you’re happy, Clarke. I didn’t think…” Glass shook her head.

“Jake,” Roan nodded sadly. “He was good. I think he’d like Bellamy.”

“I think so too,” her voice soft and partly broken, Bellamy rubbing her arm soothingly.

“I—I think we should get another drink. What do you think, babe?”

Clarke nodded, telling Roan and Glass they’ll be around. “I think he’d be proud of you,” he said softly to her.

“Maybe, I don’t know. I feel lost sometimes and then I see you and you feel right. I’m lost everywhere else though.”

“You’re not. Clarke, you… what do you want?”

“I—“

“TEN! NINE! EIGHT!” everyone was counting down to midnight, the screen behind the stage changed to a view of the ball in Times Square.

Clarke looked up at him and sighed. He needed to know, he _deserved_ to know.

“SIX! FIVE!”

“Bellamy.”

“THREE! TWO!”

Bellamy kissed her before they even heard _ONE!_ and Clarke’s heart kind of broke. He’s going to hate her, he’s going to think it’s someone else’s or she’s trapping him, but she has to tell him.

“I’m pregnant,” she said the moment his lips were off of hers.

He pulled back further and looked at her with confusion. “What?” he growled, causing her to jump back even though she was prepared for his reaction.

“I’m pregnant.”

“I heard you. When…” he groaned. “We’re not talking about this now. We’re leaving.”

Clarke blinked, nodding in agreement and following him to Glass and Roan to say goodbye before getting their coats and heading down to the lobby to wait for the doorman to call them a cab.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So that song Clarke and Glass sang and danced to, if you're a fan of rap/ hip-hop is Lights Down Low (feat. Waka Flocka Flame) by Bei Maejor. I'm still laughing over "Give it to me, Daddy"


	17. Hide and Seek

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm unintentionally evil, I swear! Sometimes I don't know how I want the next part of a scene to go or know how someone responds to news, like being pregnant, so I end the chapter there and come back to it the next day after I post the chapter with a bitch of a cliffhanger. I talk to my coworker sometimes about it and ask her what her husband would have done and you know some actual perspective on a couple's relationship because I found out that I'm like Rihanna, I get tired of men! Seriously, we both just broke up with guys because men are exhausting.
> 
> Side note: I'm going through the chapters and attempting to come up with better titles than roman numerals... they're starting to suck.

“Are you mad?” she asked when they were five blocks away from her parents’ house.

“Not about the baby. I’m _annoyed_ that you didn’t tell me when you found out. I’m _annoyed_ that you looked terrified when you told me, like I’m the villain who’s going to take away all your hopes and dreams. I told you that I want a life with you, but we can’t have that if you don’t trust me.”

“I just…” Clarke shook her head, her thoughts were flowing a mile a minute and she couldn’t keep them all straight. “I tell you that I want to go slower, a progression into moving in together and getting engaged and married and then a month later tell you that I’m pregnant? It’s mixed signals.”

“Yeah, it is, but we can handle it.”

“Handle it? It’s a baby. You don’t _handle_ babies, Bellamy. That’s not how it works.”

“You know that isn’t how I meant it and if you’re not going to talk to me about it rationally then we won’t talk about it until we’re with Echo.”

“Is she your immediate answer to everything now? You can’t have a conversation with me without her being involved?”

He shook his head, “Don’t do this right now.”

“Why not? I’m your _partner_ , right? You’re choosing to share your life with _me_ but you can distance yourself emotionally, you can save that for _her_? You can save the truth about Roma for her.”

Bellamy groaned, “I knew you were going to bring her up. She doesn’t matter, what happened between her and I was nearly a decade ago.”

“But you won’t tell me what happened,” she deflated a little. She’s not mad at him, she’s fighting just to fight (and maybe because she’s a little mad at herself too) and that’s not fair to either of them.

“There’s an NDA, neither of us can talk about it.”

Clarke’s mind was reeling, “A nondisclosure agreement? What did you do?”

“Why are you assuming it’s me who did something?”

“Because she’s a model, it’s like Rihanna and Chris Bro—oh.”

The cab stopped outside the house and Bellamy handed the guy a hundred dollar bill and wished him a Happy New Year before getting out, holding the door for Clarke and helping her out of the vehicle.

“I can’t believe you made us have that conversation in the back of a taxi, Clarke,” he said waiting for her to unlock the house.

She pushed the door open and stepped inside. “Did you hit her?” she asked barely loud enough for him to hear.

“No.”

“Then why? I want to understand.”

Bellamy groaned, grabbing her hand and pulling her upstairs to her room for privacy. He didn’t know what her parents were doing for New Years but he didn’t want them to know this about him. He still doesn’t want her to.

“Roma and I… we were a mess, we sucked at communicating and it was the same thing physically.” He sat on the edge of her bed, not really knowing how to say any of it. “She liked it rough, rougher than you, and I obliged, I liked it too. We were together for maybe three months before we went to Vegas for spring break and we got wasted and got married. We liked each other enough and the sex was good so we stayed together and no one really knew that we were married. She was getting modeling jobs after that so she wasn’t around much and when it was summer, she was in LA going to auditions for movie roles so I saw her more and it was good. We were good and the sex was intense and we didn’t know we should have had safe words. We didn’t…

“I didn’t know that she was snorting cocaine. I wouldn’t have touched her if I knew, she… we were having sex and she was high and—cocaine can cause heart attacks—she had a heart attack while I was fucking her, my hand was around her throat. I thought it was because she couldn’t breathe… I didn’t know… I did CPR while calling for an ambulance. We were nineteen. She had a heart attack, who has a heart attack at nineteen?”

“Someone doing cocaine. If she asphyxiated, it could have been your fault, Bell. But you can’t blame yourself for her heart attack when it could have happened when you weren’t around. Coke is some nasty shit, I wouldn’t wish it on my enemy.”

Bellamy nodded, “I should have known though. She was my wife, Clarke.”

“You didn’t have with her what you have with me. You knew I was hiding something from you this whole time and you didn’t push, you’re angry that I hid it for so long because you do deserve to know, I just didn’t know how to tell you.”

“I know and I’m not mad, I really wanted to get home and celebrate,” he smirked, his plan working. “This is good, Clarke, we can figure out what to do living wise when we get back from Salt Lake.”

“I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment for when we get back. Do you remember when we stopped using condoms?”

“That’s what you’re concerned about?”

“I’m just curious, I don’t remember when we stopped.”

“Months ago. What happened to your bitch control?”

“I had that flu that I needed antibiotics to get rid of, they cancel out.”

Bellamy made a face, “Can I ravage you now? We’re good?”

“We’re very good,” Clarke smiled and climbed into his lap, her dress hiked up her thighs and Bellamy latched onto the new expanse of silky ivory skin.

* * *

“What are we supposed to do here?” Clarke asked getting off the flight in Salt Lake City, going to get their bags before the car Bellamy hired to take them to Main & SKY.

“You’re supposed to relax. Do you think I haven’t noticed how tense you’ve been around Abby and Kane? You need to relax before we go back to work,” Bellamy wrapped his arm around her shoulder and dropped a kiss to her hair.

“Does that mean you’re going to relax too? I know you have a meeting tomorrow morning but after that?”

“If you’re inferring copious amounts of sex, then yes,” he whispered in her ear, taking a small nibble that shot a shiver down her spine.

Clarke smirked, “Not exactly what I was referring to but yes, that could definitely be involved.”

“When is your appointment again?”

“I already told Luna to clear your schedule for that afternoon, it’s before your appointment with Echo on Friday.”

“That soon?”

“Yeah, I want to know stuff that I don’t already from med school. I thought you’d want to know as much as possible.”

“I do. It’s too soon for the gender, right?”

“I believe so, that’s around twelve to sixteen weeks and if my calculations are correct it’s only three or four weeks. I got the flu right after Thanksgiving.”

Bellamy nodded lifting her suitcase off the carousel, waiting for his own.

The driver got their bags in the trunk of the car while they sat in the back. Letting the driver do his thing.

“I think I should be fully moved in by the time the baby comes.”

“I agree. I can move all my art supplies to the garage, it’s never really been used as a garage anyway and—“

“It’s not finished.”

“No?”

“We should get it finished first, it could be your studio.”

Clarke licked her lips, “Yeah.”

“Lincoln knows a guy, I’ll call him.”

“You’re going to call Lincoln?”

“I’ll probably text or email,” he confirmed.

“You need to get over him being with Octavia.”

“He’s too old for her.”

“You know that means you’re too old for me, right? Have you even thought about it? She’s forced you two together so much she wants your approval while also saying that she’s going to do what she wants. You know she wouldn’t pick someone who isn’t worthy of her. It’s not who she is.”

Bellamy scoffed, “Then how do you explain Atom?”

“Atom?”

“She was with him in high school.”

Clarke laughed, “High school? It was puppy love if anything. Did you hate him?”

“He was the worst.”

“And there you have it. That’s why she liked him.”

“Because I hated him?”

“You… you were like a father to her and when she was a kid, she needed that, but once she got to high school and college and now she wants a brother.”

“I’m trying, I just don’t like some of her decisions.”

“Namely Lincoln. Bellamy… with or without your permission, they are going to get married. With or without your acceptance, they’re going to start a family. Like us. They’re in love.”

“When we get back, I will try. I’ll try harder than hiring him when he needed a job.”

“You’re a good brother, Bellamy. You’re going to be a great dad.”

Bellamy nodded and directed the driver away from the hotel to… she didn’t know where but she’d go anywhere with Bellamy.

“Where are we going?”

“We can check in any time,” he shrugged.

“So what are we doing?”

“You can’t say that I don’t pay attention.”

“Bellamy!” she pushed.

“David Habben has an exhibition at Kimball Art Center, I was going to take you tomorrow but my interest has been peaked.”

Clarke laughed, “You never cared about art before. Don’t enthrall me when you already have me.”

“I do care about art but I only have the eye that you do. I don’t know what would make a good book cover or not.”

“There’s more to the world than book covers, Bell.”

“I know there are the statues of Greek gods,” he smirked as they pulled up to the building. “Thank you,” he said to their driver. “I’ll call you when we’re ready. Should be a few hours, do you want coffee or food?”

“Thank you, Mr. Blake. I’ll be fine.” He turned to Clarke. “Mrs. Blake,” he acknowledged before getting back into the car and drove off somewhere.

“I like the sound of that,” Bellamy smiled, taking Clarke’s hand. PDA is new too, not that Clarke will complain about Bellamy’s affection, it just kind of sucks that it took a baby for him to outwardly show any feelings toward her in front of people.

They walked into the building and Clarke immediately ran into the main gallery where David Habben’s Flow was being shown and she stopped dead in her tracks at the first painting.

Bellamy came up behind her, watching her take it all in, not knowing if he was allowed to ask what he’s looking at, it just looked like a bunch of lines to him. “What are we looking at?”

“Dancing. He’s been working with the University of Utah’s School of Dance for two years, creating a new dialogue based on what he witnessed and I… it’s so much better in person than online, there’s so much more detail in the brush strokes.”

They walked around looking at the Flow collection, Clarke talking about each like they were their own magical universe and her words helped Bellamy see what David Habben was trying to portray, words were Bellamy’s forte and Clarke helped uncloud the line between the visual art and Bellamy’s literary brain.

They were looking at the last one, to him it looked like the male figure was proposing to the female and Clarke leaned back into him and he wrapped his arms around her shoulders.

“I’m going to marry you one day,” she said softly, just for him to hear.

“Oh, yeah?” he smiled. “You’re not just using me for my impeccable baby making skills?” he laughed, his hand falling to her stomach.

“Oh, I definitely am, I just don’t want anyone else to find out about them.”  
Bellamy nipped her ear. “Only you, til the end of time. I promise.”

“You can’t promise that. Tell me you won’t promise that if something happens to me.”

“Nothing’s going to happen.”

“Not right now, but what if something does? You will need to move on, you deserve to be happy too.”

“Clarke, don’t do this, please. I just found out you’re pregnant, I can’t have you talking about you dying.”

“I’m just saying, mourn me but move on, that’s what I want if it does happen.”  
Bellamy blinked back the tears that were threatening to fall. “I want you to do the same but actually saying it sucks.”

“I know,” she sighed. “But there’s a baby involved now, we have to think about it’s future and what’s best for it.”

He grimaced, dropping a kiss to her shoulder.

“I didn’t mean to drop it on you like that. There are just so many contingencies to think of now.”

“Yeah, when do you want to start telling people?”

“Emori in HR should know right away but that’s professionally, your sister, Raven, Miller… I think I’d like to be clear of the first trimester first.”

“That’s reasonable. Can I talk about it with Echo?”

“Yes. Are you going to talk to her about Roma?”

“Yeah.”

“Are you okay with everything?”

“Am I okay with seeing my ex-wife at a party with booze and drugs? No. Does she look like she can handle herself in that situation now? Yes. Am I worried about her? Yes, but I’m not going to do anything about it. We walked away from each other and if we run into each other again, then maybe I’ll ask about things more than I did, but I don’t think that’s going to happen.”

Clarke nodded, leaning her head back against Bellamy’s neck. “You wanna get outta here?”

“Mm, which one’s your favorite?”

“Bellamy…”

“Clarke,” he retorted with a smile.

“You’re not buying me a painting.”

“I’d be buying us a painting.”

Clarke smiled, she did like the sound of that. “Then you pick. I like them all.”

“I kind of like this one the most. Or maybe the first one, your eyes lit up at the sight.”

“Because I’ve been dying to see this since I heard about it.”

“Wow. So glad I brought you here then. Let me go take care of procuring one of these and I’ll meet you in the car.”

Clarke smiled, heading outside where the car was already waiting for her.

“Mrs. Blake,” the driver nodded and Clarke hated that she didn’t know his name but thanked him as she got into the car.

A few minutes later Bellamy got into the car and smiled at Clarke. “They’re sending it to the house. Should arrive a few days after us.”

Clarke nodded, “Are you going to tell me which one or am I going to have to be surprised when it arrives?”

“Surprise. Are you hungry or do you want to get to the hotel and just order room service?”

“Room service,” Clarke yawned. “I want a nap.”

Bellamy chuckled, “We can arrange that.”

Clarke slid across the bench seat and leaned her head on Bellamy’s shoulder, getting a head start on her nap as he pressed a kiss to the crown of her head.

* * *

“Babe, what am I ordering for you?” Bellamy asked a few hours after arriving at their gargantuan penthouse suite.

“Burger,” Clarke moaned, rolling over and away from the light shining in through the open door to the living room.

“Are you going to wake up when it gets here?”

“I’m waking, I am,” she said dozing off again.

“You’re adorable when you sleep,” Bellamy smiled.

“Don’t watch me.”

Bellamy chuckled and walked out of the bedroom, ordering their food and letting Clarke sleep more.

* * *

“I’m sorry,” he heard waking up to soft kisses peppering down his chest to the waistband of his boxers.

“Clarke?”

“Thank you for letting me sleep, but I’m sorry for wasting your evening,” she said between wet kisses venturing further and further down his body.

“Of course. What time is it?”

“Early. Jet lag is a bitch.”

“That’s because you went to bed at five thirty, that’s only seven thirty in New York. And a two hour time difference is nothing babe.”

“Do you want me to suck your cock or do you want to talk?”

“Both, you’re multi talented.”

Clarke laughed, her lips under his navel, “Yeah, I don’t quite think that’s how this works. I really want to suck your dick.”

“You know there’s a difference between you sucking my dick and me fucking your mouth.”

“Whatever you want, sir,” she smiled lavaciously and Bellamy growled.

He pulled her up to him, latching his mouth on hers as he pulled her panties to the side before sliding two fingers into her hot wet cunt and stroking her tight walls.

“Fuck, Bell!”

“You cum before me, remember?” He grinned and Clarke got more comfortable sitting up straight on his thighs with her panties pushed to the side and his cock tented in his boxers.

“I want to cum on your cock,” she breathed as her eyes fluttered from his relentless ministrations against her inner walls and her clit.

“Yeah? You want to suck your juices off my cock?” He growled, pulling her down to him for an intoxicating kiss.

“Yes! Please, I want to taste us together.”

Bellamy chuckled, “Of course, Princess, just let me know when you’re about to come and I’ll make it happen.”

Clarke nodded and it could have been three minutes or three hours later when she choked on his name again and he pulled his fingers out of her in exchange for his bulbous cock. Clarke eagerly rode him until she came a minute later, giving herself a moment to come down before sliding off his cock and down his body, popping him into her mouth, hearing Bellamy’s content sigh.

“I have to get ready,” Bellamy grimaced, brushing Clarke’s blonde hair from her face as she curled around him.

“Remember when you wouldn’t cuddle with me?”

“I remember not cuddling with anyone. This is better.”

Clarke looked up at him with a soft smile he could stare at forever. “So it wasn’t just me?”

“Babe, I never _slept_ with anyone but you since Roma. I never felt more for anyone except Octavia, she’s family and you’re… you’re so much more, I don’t even know how else to say it.”

“You should really go get ready for your meeting before I do something that will keep you here instead.”

“I’d rather stay.”

“Bell, go. I’ll be here when you get back.”

“You’d better still be naked.”

“Maybe. I might get cold without my personal heater,” she winked and Bellamy shook his head, kissing her soundly before getting out of bed and into the shower.

* * *

They spent the rest of their time in Park City in their hotel room, ordering room service when they were hungry but spent a majority of their time in the jacuzzi or screwing on whatever flat surface they could find, Clarke’s favorite was the floor in front of the fire place.

They flew back to LA with surprisingly no delays and Bellamy called a moving company for his stuff to be moved over to Clarke’s house the next weekend, just after the first ultrasound.

 _We can do this_ , he thought to himself walking into work that Monday morning.  
_We can be a happy family._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kind of a filler... there’s something brewing though...
> 
> Could y’all send me some theories on what you think is going to happen next? I already have something written but I want to hear your ideas.
> 
> Thanks Angels <3


	18. Gone Too Soon

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m an asshole.
> 
> Possible trigger, fair warning.
> 
> I’m also afraid to post this chapter because of what happens.

“Did you swap out his personality or something? He’s been way too happy since coming back,” Harper said with gusto after they ordered their food.

Clarke smirked, “No, we’re in a good place. I think he’s finally realizing that he’s not Atlas.”

“God, you’re turning into him with the Greek mythology references.”

“Does he or does he not act like the weight of the world is on his shoulders?”

Harper smirked, “Okay, yeah, he’s Atlas.”

“That just gave me an idea for a story, if only I were a writer.”

“Pitch it. Bellamy has Miller for that, you know?”

“Really?” Clarke grimaced, why didn’t she know that?

“Yeah, Miller was a writer before he agreed to help Blake start BPH. Bellamy was really good at figuring out how things work, even the enormous monster that is a publishing house. And Miller likes editing but Bellamy also has him work with virgin writers to make their stories better. Miller’s the favorite for a reason, not just because he knew Bellamy the best.”

“So I’d have to go ask Bellamy if I can steal Miller to co-write a novel with me?”

“I’m sure he’d allow you guys to take half a day everyday. You two are wizards at your jobs, you said you’re bored, right?”

“Yeah, there’s currently nothing for me to do because I finished everything before Christmas.”

“Did you know that I’ve worked here five years and never have I ever seen Bellamy take any time off for anything. He only stays out of the building on national holidays because the building is locked up tight but he’s working at home. He took nearly three weeks off with you.”

Clarke smiled, she knew Bellamy was a workaholic, but she didn’t know Bellamy never took time off before.

Clarke walked Harper back to her desk before asking Luna if Bellamy was available and she announced Clarke before she walked in, that’s new.

“This is a surprise, miss me already?” Bellamy smirked, closing his laptop.

“Yes,” she smiled. “But that’s not why I’m here. I’m actually here for work.”

“For work? You’re so bored down there you want to come back up to editorial?”

“Yes and no. I had a book idea while at lunch with Harper just now and she said that Miller was an aspiring novelist before you poached him and threw him into editorial.”

“Lies, Miller does what he wants. I always asked him if he wanted to take time off to finish his novel and he’s always declined, using his vacation to visit his father instead.”

“God forbid a man sees his family. Anyway, do you think I could borrow him in the afternoons for the rest of the week to brainstorm and workshop this idea before we come to you for it’s worthiness.”

“I’m sure it’ll be great. Did you talk to him about it?”

“Not yet, I came straight to you.”

He nodded before typing numbers on his phone and it rang over speaker.

“What’s up?” Miller’s voice echoed through the office.

“How do you feel about spending your afternoons writing with Griffin this week?”

“What are we writing?”

“That’s for you two to know, I want to be surprised with what you come up with on Monday.”

“Alright. Griffin, were doing this in your office.”

“Yeah, I’ll take you there in a minute,” she said hanging up the phone and looking to Bellamy. “Thank you.”

“I don’t know what this idea is but I bet it’s good and if you want, we can have a comic section in the middle to show off your illustration skills.”

“That sounds awesome,” Clarke smiled and pressed a kiss to Bellamy’s cheek.

“I’ll see you later.”

Clarke and Nathan argued about every aspect of the book, saying that no one would act like that now a days but he didn’t really know the gross reality of the upper class, the whole “keeping it in the family” is a disturbing reality to old money so it’s spot on for the story she wants to tell.

* * *

“Um, yeah, you have a baby in there,” Dr. Nyko grimaced.

“What is it? Why’d you say it like that?” Clarke asked quickly, squeezing Bellamy’s hand.

“This is never easy to say, it’s the part I hate. You’ve been to med school? I feel like Lincoln and Jackson both mentioned that at one point.”

Clarke nodded. “Just tell me.”

“You have an ectopic pregnancy.”

“Fuck,” Clarke sighed, blinking back tears and Bellamy was confused.

“Okay, I didn’t go to med school so—“

“The fetus is in Clarke’s left Fallopian tube, it’s not viable.”

The realization snuck up on him slowly as he let his mind wrap around Dr Nyko’s words. “I’m not going to be a dad,” he said softly, they felt foreign coming out of his mouth, partly because he never said the positive version of the sentence so acknowledging the negative was this weird alternate reality where the world actually allowed him something good.

“I’m sorry,” Nyko said. “I’ll give you two a minute before setting up an appointment.”

“Just put me in the next available slot,” Clarke said, her voice choked and hazy.

“Clarke—“

The door clicked shut and Clarke hopped off the table, pulling her underwear and skirt on.

“There’s no choice in the matter, Bellamy. It’s the fetus or me in a few months. Is that what you want? I want a life with you, but if you don’t—“

“Of course I do. You know that. I just thought we could have more time than this.”

“We don’t. Okay? We were pregnant and now we’re not. It’s simple,” her voice wavered. “Black and white. There’s… no option here. It’s lose the fetus now or lose us both in a few months.”

“It’s not simple, Clarke. It’s not black and white, it’s a fucked up mix of grey where we win and lose.”

“What the fuck could we possibly be winning with this?”

“You. I get to keep you. I need you.”

“There’s nothing good here. There’s nothing that can make any of this good.”

* * *

Bellamy was in a haze, he forgot about his appointment with Echo, looking out over the pier halfway wishing he was on the boat on the horizon, not having a care in the world, not worrying about Clarke or the baby… his baby that’s not viable, that can kill Clarke.

He watched the sun set and realized it was the first time in the thirty years he’s lived in LA that he’s seen the sun set over the ocean. He was never one for sentimentality until Clarke, until the baby. She wouldn’t even look at him when he drove her home. Their home. She locked herself in the bathroom and he heard the water running but knew she wasn’t going to shower.

“Are you okay?” Octavia asked next to him. He didn’t know how she found him, didn’t know how she knew he needed her, but she’s there.

“No.”

“I thought you and Clarke were good, that you’re moving in tomorrow.”

“I don’t think that’s happening.”

“You missed your session with Echo. Did you… did you call her?”

He blinked, had he really? “No, I don’t want to talk right now.”

“So that’s why your voicemail was blank. Are you hungry?”

“No.”

“Bellamy…”

“It’s not a crime to not be hungry, O!” he snapped before sighing, he doesn’t want to fight.

“It is when you won’t tell me what happened.”

“We were happy,” he choked. “We were _finally_ happy and…” he shook his head, they weren’t going to tell anyone until the first thirteen weeks passed and most of the risk was gone. The risk…

“What happened?”

“You should ask Lincoln to marry you. Hold onto him, okay? Make… make a life with him. Be happy. I need you to do that.”

“Clarke doesn’t want to marry you? I swear she told me…”

“O, that’s not it. Please don’t push this, it’s her business to tell you.”

“It’s yours too if it’s doing this to you,” she reminded him, she had a point.

“I—I don’t know if she wants anyone to know.”

“I’m not anyone, I’m your sister and her best friend.”

“She was pregnant… _is_ pregnant,” he shook his head, still trying to wrap his head around everything. “But it’s ectopic and I could lose both of them. I can’t lose Clarke but this is still killing me.”

“You were going to be a dad?”

“Yeah.”

“I was going to be an aunt?”

“Yeah,” he sighed. _Octavia was going to be an aunt._

“Are you two breaking up?”

“I don’t know.”

“You can’t blame her for this.”

“I’m not, but I think she’s blaming herself. I don’t know what she’s thinking. I don’t know what she’s feeling, I just…”

“It’s okay, you don’t have to tell me.”

“I don’t know how to put into words what I’m feeling, I don’t know what to call this. It’s not grief, it’s not disappointment. Maybe it’s some fucked up mix of the two.”

“Did you mean it? Me asking Lincoln?”

“Of course. I know I’m an asshole and I know I’ve made your relationship more difficult than it should have been and you definitely don’t need my permission even though Lincoln would like to have my blessing. I will try to get to know him better, I need to be a better brother to you.”

“You’re a great brother, a little overbearing, but a great brother otherwise.”

“Thanks, O. What the hell do I do for her?”

“Firstly, go home. Actually _be there_ for her. Maybe order from that Thai place she loves. A big vat of cherry Garcia ice cream too.”

“And if none of that works?”

“I don’t know, just be there for when she’s ready. You can read a manuscript while waiting for her. Definitely don’t ask about the moving company, Lincoln and I will cancel for you and if she says anything, we will help you move ourselves. Get the truck for you and everything.”

Bellamy nodded, “Thanks, O.”

“Of course, just let us know what you need, we’re here for the both of you.”

* * *

Bellamy met the delivery guy in front of the house and paid him after thanking him for waiting the two minutes until Bellamy got there, making a quick after hours stop at the office for a stack of manuscripts to read while waiting for Clarke and a few pints of cherry Garcia ice cream from the drug store.

He half expected to walk into their bedroom and find Clarke still in the bathroom, but she was curled up on their bed with her back to the door dressed in her ugly sweats she claimed were so comfortable it’d be a crime to throw them out.

“I know you’re probably not hungry, but I got Thai and cherry Garcia ice cream.”

“How was Echo?” her voice hollow.

“I didn’t go.”

Clarke shot up and glared at him. “What? You have to go, Bellamy! Call her now.”

“No, I’m right where I’m supposed to be. I shouldn’t have left you in the first place.”

“Then where did you go?”

“The pier. Did you know that I never watched the sun set over the water before.”

“We did, on our date.”

“I wasn’t exactly focused on the sunset, babe.”

Clarke dropped her gaze from his and looked to the whiteduvet under her, a hand going to her stomach. “Ice cream, please.”

“Sure thing, I just have to grab a spoon. Am I allowed to join you on the bed?”

“Yeah, I just don’t want to talk. So…”

Bellamy nodded, his heart breaking for what felt like the billionth time that day. “I’ll be back with a spoon.”

He dropped his stack of manuscripts on the nightstand on his side of the bed with the pint of ice cream and headed back to the kitchen where he grabbed her a spoon and a fork for his Thai, not knowing if he could even eat.

He got back to Clarke and passed her the ice cream and spoon before sitting next to her.

“Thanks. What are you reading?”

“I don’t know, it’s new, whatever Luna left on my desk.”

Clarke nodded, taking a bite of the ice cream. “You saw O?”

“She found me. I don’t know how but she did. Yelled at me about Echo too.”

“She worries about you.”

“And I worry about her. You know, I don’t think I ever said it but I’m glad she had you in Chicago.”

“You didn’t, but I took all your snide comments in stride back then.”

Bellamy nodded. He really didn’t know what to say, he knew they were talking around the baby, he knew she’d bring it up when she wanted to but to watch her sit there halfway content with eating comfort ice cream, Bellamy wanted to scream.

He placed his untouched food on the nightstand and pulled out one of the manuscripts.

_The 12th Seal  
by Bill Cadogan_

“I feel like that’s going to be cultish,” Clarke commented around a spoon of ice cream.

“I don’t support cult dynamics but it could be interesting, if it’s not a manifesto and an actual story. I’ll read that one later.” He placed it on the far side of the nightstand and picked up another.

_Natblida  
by Becca Pram_

“This sound good?”

“Dystopian, yeah. We’re in the business of kids feeling empowered and less alone, this could be that.”

Bellamy turned the page and grimaced.

_Hell is loving you in my sleep and waking up alone._

The first line of the book is his biggest fear, waking up alone, to Clarke never having existed.

“What is it?” she asked watching him.

“‘Hell is loving you in my sleep and waking up alone.’ I feel that every day with you, like this is a dream that I’m going to wake up from and you’re going to be gone. Like you never existed and I don’t think I could live without you.”

“Bellamy…”

“No, Clarke, today sucks and it reminds me that this isn’t a dream, that you’re real. I don’t regret it and I will be with you next week when Nyko removes our baby from you. I was excited to become a dad, but I want you here with me more.”

Clarke grimaced. “Is it bad that when I read that I was pregnant, I wasn’t happy? I was more concerned about you and what you would think. I thought you would have been furious and I was trying to think of the best way to tell you and it took me a week. I spent the last two weeks waiting for the shoe to drop and I really thought it was going to be you, not an ectopic pregnancy and I feel worse about feeling that than finding out about this.”

Bellamy laughed, “If you came to me six months ago and told me you were pregnant, I probably would have been that shoe dropping. I would have been an asshole. I’m not that guy, or I’m trying not to be.”

“I know, you’ve truly grown,” she smiled.

“I hate that that’s where I jumped to. I love you.”

“I would have jumped there. Hell, O thought we broke up and blamed me. If it happens, it’ll probably be my fault.”

Clarke sighed, “I don’t know what…” she shook her head, not quite knowing what to say.

“I want a life with you, Clarke. That’s not going to change just because you couldn’t have a baby, maybe this is a fluke and the next time we try, actually try, it’ll work. This was a happy accident that turned bad. I don’t know how you’re feeling about it but the last thing you have to worry about is me not supporting you in every decision you make about your body.”

Clarke moved closer and curled up against his side and he wrapped his arm around her shoulders. “Thank you,” she said somberly. “I’m not okay with this, at all. I… I was already thinking about names and what color to paint the nursery. I got excited because you were excited, even though I felt something was off, I still hoped it was nothing.”

“Clarke, I—“

“I need some time, Bellamy. Time to myself and I want nothing more than for you to be living here with me but maybe if—“

“Octavia called the moving company to cancel.”

“What?”

“Isn’t that what you were going to say?”

“No, I want you here, I don’t think I can go to work right now. You stopped moving in because of this?”

“I thought you didn’t want to. I thought…I don’t know, that you changed your mind because it was only going to be the two of us.”

“I want the two of us. If it’s only the two of us being the lonely aunt and uncle to our friends’ kids, I’m okay with that. I just want you.”

Bellamy shook his head, “I want a family, Clarke. I want one with you. If we try and come up with nothing we can talk about what we want to do but I’m not saying no to having a family with you.”

Clarke nodded. “Okay, we can discuss it when I’m not overly emotional over losing this baby.”

“Okay,” Bellamy nodded. He’s not going to push her on anything she doesn’t want to do, he’s trying not to be so bullheaded and it’s difficult not being in control with Clarke in so much pain, whether she’s showing it or not. “I’ll call Octavia in the morning and have her and Lincoln help me move my stuff. You can stay in here if you don’t want to see anyone, they will understand.”

Clarke nodded.

“I love you, Princess. That’s not going to change,” he said hoping it reassured her, but doubted it.

* * *

Bellamy walked into the house carrying boxes of his clothes to go in the closet after everyone leaves, dropping them on the floor next to the closed bedroom door.

“Bell?” Clarke called from the room and Bellamy froze before opening the door.

“You’re not changing your mind are you?” he asked her, she had The 12th Seal in her lap even though she voted against it last night.

“No, we should do a dinner with them as a thank you for helping.”

“I was going to buy them pizza or something, yeah. O thinks we should have a house warming when all my stuff is unpacked, I told her it isn’t an appropriate time for that.”

Clarke nodded, “Maybe in a month. You’ll be settled in, this will be less raw.”

“I don’t have to move in, Clarke. I have six more months left on my lease.”

“I want you here.”

Bellamy smiled sadly, “Then I’ll be here. I’m going to go finish helping them unload the truck. We have to decide what to keep and what we’re getting rid of.”

Clarke nodded, “Tomorrow.”

Bellamy nodded and went back out to the truck where Lincoln and Miller were carrying his 60-inch tv down the ramp.

“She okay?” Lincoln asked, easily adjusting to Miller nearly tripping over the first step of the stairs.

“No, we’re not going to be okay for a while.”

“And you’re still moving in?” Murphy asked, walking around to the back of the truck with a hot pocket in hand.

“Where the hell did you get that?”

“Freezer.”

“Dude! You couldn’t wait until after we unloaded the truck for me to buy you your nasty anchovy and mushroom pizza?”

“Don’t hate something you’ve never tried.”

“Oh, I’ve tried it and it made me puke.”

“That was the hangover. I remember that day,” Murphy smirked taking a bite of the hot pocket.

“You’re buying Clarke a new box,” Bellamy informed him and Murphy just shrugged.

“Take it out of my pay bossman.”  
Bellamy rolled his eyes, “Get back to work, we have to have the truck back by eight.”

They unloaded the truck, putting everything in the dining room like Clarke said they could except for Bellamy’s clothes and his wardrobe which Bellamy and Lincoln hiked up the stairs and left in the hall. He and Clarke were going to go through all the stuff tomorrow and decide what’s staying and what’s going. Bellamy didn’t have much, more than he initially thought but less than a normal person. He has clothes for work, a few scrapbooks his mom made when he and O were young, in between drug hazes, and furniture from their old apartment that he never sat in. He probably should have gotten new ones over the years but he rarely used them as it was so they weren’t worn down much but Clarke’s were much nicer and he should have just given them away because they’d definitely keep Clarke’s sleeker, more modern furniture that went with the house.

“Hey,” he said, opening the door to the bedroom, hours later after finishing unloading the truck and sending the guys off. “Are you hungry?”

Clarke was sitting on the bed glaring at her laptop. “I ordered us Chinese, I forgot they were here.”

“It’s okay, they’re gone. I told Lincoln and Miller that you wouldn’t be at work for a while. I didn’t tell them why but I’m assuming O told Lincoln.”

“If you approve the book could Miller come here a few days a week? I can email him about somethings but not everything.”

“I’m pretty sure with the two of you at the helm, the book will be approved, it’s fine with me, I’m sure Miller is going to want to be compensated somehow and we will figure that out. Whatever you need, Clarke, okay?”

She nodded. “I’m sorry.”

“For what?”

“For not being able to give you a child.”

“Hey, you don’t have to apologize for anything. Stuff happens, this is not your fault, okay?”

She shrugged and Bellamy knew she didn’t believe him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please remember that I’m a person and what I write for a story is what I feel is the most beneficial for the storyline and the characters. If you didn’t like this, I am sorry, I’m not writing a fairytale here. Life is unfair and that’s what I write, life being unfair to people/characters.
> 
> As always comments, kudos and criticisms are greatly welcomed and for the most part cherished.


	19. You Are Not Alone

Clarke looked up at Bellamy from the passengers' seat of his Bentley. She didn’t want to go inside, she didn’t want to talk about it. She wanted to lay in bed and talk to Miller about the book, get to actually writing the story, not the characters’ logistics.

“You should go in. I’m fine.”

“You are not fine, Clarke. You haven’t talked to me in two days except to tell me if your hungry or not. I need more than that, Clarke. I love you and this isn’t you.”

“I don’t want to talk about it and I don’t want to see Echo so stop pushing me to do things I don’t want to do.”

“This isn’t for me. This is for us. This is for you. Why do you get to be the only one feeling this?”

“Since when did you have emotions to feel anything?”

Bellamy stepped back from the car steeling his jaw with a slow sobering breath. “Since you’re so keen on pushing me away, get the fuck out of my car and walk home. Or you can go inside and talk to Echo with or without me.”

Clarke glared at him with a dead look in her eyes.

“You are not staying in the car, there is no third option. So get out and start walking or get out and go inside.”

She stood and walked around him in the car door. “I hate you,” she spat as she walked towards the building.

Bellamy sighed as he closed the car door, “At least that’s a feeling.” He followed her inside.

Echo opened the door to her office when Bellamy got there assuming Clarke rang the bell when she got up there. “Bellamy and Clarke, I hope you two had a wonderful vacation.”

“Wrong term,” Clarke said before walking past her and into the office.

Bellamy grimaced. “It’s a long story that she doesn’t want to go over,” he explained holding the door for Echo to go in first.

“All right, so what happened since I last saw you, Clarke?”

“Nothing.”

“Clarke, you need to talk to someone. You’re not talking to me and Miller said—“

“Don’t you dare ask Miller about me! He has nothing to do with this and I don’t need to talk about it because there’s nothing to talk about!”

“Clarke,” Echo said softly and Bellamy saw Clarke’s fist clench. “How was your Christmas?”

“Fine, the same as always. My mother criticized me my stepfather tried buying me but just slightly more clever this year, using Bellamy. Then my mother tried making up for it at the spa like usual. It was my typical Christmas but this year Bellamy was there.”

“She’s pregnant,” Bellamy said, knowing that Clarke wouldn’t say it.

“I want to say congratulations but the looks on your faces mean it’s not a good thing.”

“We have to terminate. We found out Friday and we have a scheduled appointment for the procedure for next Friday, which is why I wasn’t here, I was in shock.”

“I’m sorry, we’re you happy about it before finding this news out?”

“Beyond. We both were and now she won’t even talk to me.”

“Clarke? You’re not talking to Bellamy?”

“That is not Bellamy. That is some freak that took over his body and… that is not the person I’m with.”

“What do you mean?”

“ _My_ Bellamy, wouldn’t be calm about losing the child he was excited about. _My_ Bellamy wouldn’t be excited about an unplanned pregnancy. He’d be furious and break down a wall. But this calm, happy, supportive Bellamy… I don’t know who he is.”

“Clarke,” he sighed, not knowing what to say to that. He wasn’t trying to appease her or make her happy in his response to any of the news, he was completely genuine and it broke his heart to think she didn’t see that. “What do you want me to say? I thought a life with you was all I would ever need. A life with you. You won’t be alive if we don’t get rid of it. It’s completely selfish and a huge character trait. I’m still in character here!

“I want a life with you and I have said that countless times, more than I’ve told you that I’m in love with you. Wanting a life with you, I didn’t realize that truly meant until we spent Christmas with your parents, until you told me you were pregnant. A life with you is a life with your parents, a life with children of our own. Of arguments like this and being utterly furious with each other making the good times, the times we’re blissed out of our minds with joy, actually mean something. I want everything with you and if that’s not what you want then why are you here?”

She didn’t say anything, turning her head to look out the window and Echo waited a minute before asking Bellamy to leave.

Clarke heard the click of the door closing before hearing Echo’s voice. “That’s everything you’re afraid of.”

Clarke shook her head, blinking back the tears she didn’t want anyone seeing. “It’s everything I want but am too afraid to with him. You’ve never been with him, he’s so on and attentive when he wants to be but distant, cold, and mean when he doesn’t. He says he wants a family, he wants children but children can’t have a father who has those opposing sides and we won’t know which one we get until he’s home. That’s what I’m afraid of.”

Echo nodded. “Is Bellamy aware of your feelings?”

“Is Bellamy aware that he’s bipolar? I don’t know, you tell me.”

“Do you feel like you deserve that? That you deserve to not know what version of him is coming home to you?”

“He’s always good to me.”

“There’s a difference between sexually liking it rough and being thrown around, being verbally abused. The latter isn’t tolerable.”

“I don’t think he’d hurt children. I think he’d be a great dad but I’m afraid of what they’d see between us. I don’t know if we can be good parents and still be us.”

“Parenthood does change people and from what I’ve seen today, he’s up for the challenge and he wants to do it with you. Maybe this change is good.”

“Am I horrible to think that it’s easier to not want kids at all. To want to keep things the same so I won’t have to find out what he would be like?”

“Not horrible but it’s saying that you don’t have faith in him and you have one foot out the door and can leave whenever you want.”

“I wouldn’t.”

“But that could be how he sees it and what if you do live like that? Not have a child with him and then years down the road you begin to detest him for not having the life you wanted to have but the childless one you do. How is that fair to him?”

Clarke grimaced, “It’s not.”

“So you see how your decisions could be misconstrued in his eyes?”

“Yeah, I just don’t… I don’t know what I want to do anymore. I thought I knew what I wanted, but…” she shook her head, looking out the window at the view of the city she’s learned to call home over the years. “I don’t think I know who I am anymore.”

“You’re not going back to work for a while, are you?”

“No, but Miller will be coming to the house to work on a story he and I are creating. I want to work on that, it’ll give me something positive to think about instead of everything I’m losing.”

“Tell me about when you found out you were pregnant.”

“It was… Christmas Eve and we were in New York, my mom was still at work and Bellamy was in the study with my stepdad. They were bonding and I liked the thought of Bellamy being seen as family to them, his sister considered me family before I even knew Bellamy. I was alone upstairs and I thought I might have been for about a week, I secretly bought a pregnancy test and took it.

“It didn’t seem real, I kind of thought it was a false positive before freaking out about Bellamy’s reaction to it. I thought he’d be furious at me for letting it happen, for getting the flu and taking the antibiotics for it that messed with my birth control and he was angry, but not because I got pregnant, he was okay with that, he was happy about that. He was mad that I didn’t tell him when I found out. I waited a week, I told my mother within twelve hours but waited a whole week to tell him. He had the right to be angry, we could have had more time but knowing about the ectopic pregnancy, I’m glad he didn’t. I think he would have been happier the more time he knew about it and this way it was short and doesn’t hurt as much.”

“You don’t really believe that do you? Whether he knew when you found out or you waited, he would still be hurting. He doesn’t show how much he cares about people but he probably cares more than any man I’ve ever met.”

Clarke nodded, she knew Echo was right and she knew this wasn’t something she would easily get over. Not something Bellamy would easily get over, they’re going to have to work on it. “He’s a tortured soul with good intentions.”

“Can you keep that in mind for when I bring him back in?”

“Yeah.”

* * *

Abigail Griffin knocked on the door of Clarke’s house and Clarke didn’t want to open it, practically begged Bellamy not to but he’s not going to get on Abby Griffin’s bad side. Not when her daughter was going to have their baby removed from her Fallopian tube in two days.

“Hi, Abby,” Bellamy said with not exactly a smile but not a frown either.

“Where’s my daughter?” she asked stepping inside and put her suitcase next to the door.

“Upstairs, she’s barely left the bedroom. We saw our therapist yesterday, to help us communicate better, we weren’t great at that at first.”

“Understandable. Is she eating?”

“I give her breakfast, leave a lunch and bring her dinner. It’s all been eaten but I don’t know if she’s had anything else. My friend is working with her here and he says she hasn’t drank much but I think that’s partly because she’s so focused on what they’re doing so she can forget about what’s happening on Friday.”

Abby nodded, “Thank you for taking care of her, Bellamy. I’m going to go see her.”

Abby climbed the stairs and walked into Clarke and Bellamy’s bedroom and found her daughter on her laptop.

“Is Bellamy working you too hard?”

“No, this is for work but it’s on my schedule, not Bellamy’s. I need to keep my mind busy so I’m not a crying depressed mess.”

“I really wish you came back to New York to have the procedure done, the doctors—“

“Dr. Nyko is renowned, just like the doctor I’m sure you’d have doing it there, I just think it’s a waste of a flight and I’d be more comfortable here at home than in New York. This is my home, Mom.”

“New York was your home too.”

“‘Was’ being the operative word. This is my home, here with Bellamy is where I belong and I know you want me closer and that’s why you and Marcus offered him that space downtown but this is where I feel like I belong. This is where I want to raise my family.”

Abby nodded, “I guess I’m just going to have to get used to it, then.”

Clarke sighed, _you will._

* * *

Abby was an uncomfortable addition to the household. She didn’t know anything about Clarke and Bellamy’s relationship and watched Miller closely when he was at the house. Bellamy only worked half days from the office he shared with Clarke’s studio. Having the daily editorial meeting over the phone, talking to everyone he could and making sure Luna was okay, not too overwhelmed with sending his calls to his cell instead of his office, of changing his schedule to when he’s available and making sure all the people he’s having her reschedule are being respectful because he will take her side and support her because it’s _his_ personal life that’s interfering in their work, not hers.

Friday came quickly, too quickly for his liking, and he was sitting in the outpatient waiting room with Abby, his knee bouncing erratically with nerves and her hand landed on it, somehow soothing him, calming him because that’s his girl in that room. That’s his baby getting removed from her body and no one should experience this amount of heartache in their life. He couldn’t wish this on anyone, not even his worst enemy.

“This is a fairly quick and painless procedure, more uncomfortable than anything else.”

Bellamy nodded, “I just… She’s depressed. I know that there are some things that I could do to help lessen whatever is going through her mind, but she won’t even talk to me about it.”

“Bellamy, I know you care about her, I can see that you’re doing everything you possibly can to make her life easy, but have you met her? She’s stubborn and too in her head, Miller working with her might slow down her thoughts, but it’s not going to stop her from blaming herself.”

“I know.”

* * *

“How are you?” Echo asked a minute after he sat on the couch. Clarke demanded that he went, he was too overbearing at the moment and Abby had her so he didn’t feel as guilty as he probably should have.

“Horrible.”

“And Clarke?”

“Even worse. It’s her body, I can never know what she’s feeling, how it’s changed her… I feel like my heart is breaking and I can’t stop it.”

“This doesn’t mean you weren’t a father, Bellamy. You are. The circumstances were just out of your control.”

“How can I be a father if it was never born? If it never had a heartbeat,” Bellamy grimaced, realizing there wasn’t a heartbeat in the ultrasound, there weren’t fingers or toes, barely a head. His child was nothing more than a bunch of cells growing in the wrong place inside of Clarke, essentially a cancer.

“Have you thought about what we talked about on Tuesday?”

“Yeah, Clarke’s still working, writing with Miller. They have a story to tell and Miller is really into it, I think he’ll keep Clarke on track. Keep her mind busy.”

“Good and she’s going to talk to you? I said I can prescribe something for her obvious depression, but I don’t want to. If it gets to that point, I will but I don’t want her thinking it will fix everything. It won’t.”

Bellamy nodded, “We don’t want that.”

“Because of your mother or because it’s how you both feel?”

“Can it be both? It’s her decision, not mine. She made it but she can change her mind whenever she wants. I’m not going to stop her, but I’m not going to be happy about it.”

Echo nodded and Bellamy knew that she disagreed with him but was just appeasing him to keep the conversation going. He didn’t detest her for it, more like appreciate. He hates talking about his mother.

* * *

Clarke sighed, looking up at her ceiling. “What do you think?”

“About the ceiling or Atlas?” Miller said, so cleaver.

“Atlas.”

“I think he’s got too much going on.”

“That’s kind of the point though, isn’t it? He’s depicted with the world on his shoulders, he has the world _crushing_ him, he should have too much going on, he should be spread too thin. It’s metaphorical.”

“You realize that kids aren’t going to come into this story with vast knowledge of Greco-Roman mythology? They’re not Bellamy, we’ll be teaching them through this book, kind of like Percy Jackson, but without the quests.”

Clarke chuckled, “Yeah, because the dysfunction of the gods is a story for children.”

“That deeper meaning that Bellamy always searches for in the stories he wants to tell? This one is dysfunctional families are everywhere and what you might think is the worst, might not be as bad as you think.”

“Everyone has their own demons,” Clarke grimaced. She's been so good about not thinking about it today, but leave it to Miller...

“Right," he grimaced, looking back to their notes. "So, Atlas…”

“You suck at keeping my mind off it, you know,” Clarke smirked before her grimace took control again. It gets more and more permanent as time goes by.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I deleted my tumblr a while back due to complications with messaging and my ask section kept deleting so if you have anything you want to talk to me about privately or want to see what I do on the daily, or interact with me aside from in the comments here, I'm [jbsullivan17](https://twitter.com/jbsullivan17) on twitter and it's the best place to contact me.


	20. She Will Be Loved

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 2 Years Later  
> Flashback

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So it's been an eventful two weeks of my life. I moved! Officially moved into my new house and I've been too exhausted to write but here I am with a new chapter and finally have Wi-Fi. It's been 2 weeks and I was dying without it. It's pathetic but I had data so I watched the new episode and I couldn't function for an hour after watching (SERIOUSLY, BELLAMY?!).  
> Too many WTF?! moments. Good and bad.  
> Anyway, there's reasons for everything, remember? So time jump, but somewhat happy Clarke is here.

Clarke looked amazing in the red dress, a real smile vibrant on her face for the first time in years and Bellamy wondered how fleeting it would be. Her effervescence a new sight to behold and Bellamy was glad he’s able to see it after so long. She deserves to be happy, she deserves the world and Bellamy hopes to give her that someday.

He should have been watching his sister, listening to her vows, or Lincoln’s, but he couldn’t. His eyes were glued on Clarke.

Her eyes welled with tears and she brushed them away, catching him staring and her smiled softened.

 _I love you,_ he mouthed and her smile widened again before turning to Lincoln and Octavia just before the kiss and Bellamy smiled, happy for his sister for finding love, for listening to him two years ago.

They walked down the aisle and Clarke and Raven and Lincoln’s burly groomsmen went with them and Bellamy met Clarke outside to head over to the reception.

“Have I told you how beautiful you look today?”

“Only on days where I get my makeup professionally done, so does it really count?” She teased and he shook his head before taking her hand from her thigh.

“I love you more than anything.”

“I love you too. I really can’t believe that you told Octavia to ask Lincoln to marry her and it still took them two years.”

“Hey, they did the thing. They’re happy.”

“You look happy,” she said, squeezing his hand.

“I am. My sister just married the one guy I trust her with and my girlfriend looks… delicious, so I am very happy. How are you doing?”

“Today is a good day. They’ve been happening more and more frequently.”

“Because you’re leaving for a month or…”

“Bellamy, it’s a book tour you’ve made me go on them twice before. I have Miller with me, I can’t do anything.”

“I’ll be in New York when you guys get there, okay?”

“You don’t have to.”

“I have more job interviews to do.”

“And you hate delegating,” Clarke smirked. “I promise that I won’t avoid you in New York.”

Bellamy chuckled, “You have a busy schedule with shitty traffic, I’m only expecting dinner.”

“Oh, I think I can squeeze in dinner.”

They pulled into the parking lot of the venue and Bellamy helped her out of the car and walked into the building. It wasn’t Bellamy’s first time being in the space since its completion and it stuck to the red and silver theme that Bellamy thought was weird but Clarke said it was a nice pairing so he kept his mouth shut. What did he know about color anyway?

“I know we helped them set up yesterday, but the finishing touches we weren’t allowed to see really brings it all together,” Clarke said softly, leaning into him a little more than usual. She’s been doing that, making sure he was there more securely than necessary, especially in public, in crowds. He didn’t get it but he wasn’t going to leave her, that’s for certain.

“Yeah, it really looks great,” he smiled, squeezing her hand in reassurance.

They sat at the head table to the left of Octavia, congratulating them again. As the night went by Nyko and Clarke made their best man and maid of honor speeches and Bellamy grimaced before he stood and grabbed everyone’s attention.

“As most of you know, I am Octavia’s older, overbearing, annoying, brother and in the beginning of their relationship, not the biggest fan of Lincoln’s. She’s my baby sister and he’s older than me, I didn’t approve in the slightest.”

He droned on and on about his lengthy disapproval and how he slowly, with the help of Clarke grew to know and like him as a person away from his sister’s pressing glare. That all he wanted was someone to take care of her better than he could and that’s Lincoln, he couldn’t find a better person for the job.

“You did good,” Clarke smiled, kissing his cheek.

“Thanks. She doesn’t want to do a father-daughter dance, I offered.”

“I’m sorry. You are her brother though, I know you were more, she does too, but it’s a little weird, don’t you think? You took care of her like a father would yet you’re only seven years older. It’s her wedding, do it her way and she can regret it later.”

“I don’t want her to regret it.”

“Too bad. They’ll have their dance and then head out to the hotel by the airport to go to Cancun tomorrow.”

“How are they going to Cancun?”

“My mom has a timeshare there so I gave them the time and you bought the plane tickets.”

“That’s evil but genius. I would have if you’d just asked.”

“I didn’t want it to be a fight.”

“Is this a fight?”

“I feel if I asked you four months ago, it would have been.”

Bellamy nodded, “You got me there.”

“You know she’s amazing, you did a great job raising her, even though she’s insanely defiant.”

“You have no idea how many times she told me that I can’t tell her what to do because I’m ‘not her dad’.”

“I bet, but nonetheless, you persisted and she’s amazing. One of my favorite people.”

A song Bellamy vaguely remembered started playing and Clarke froze, “They’re going to dance.”

“How do you—“

“It’s Ed Sheeran’s Kiss Me, it’s insanely romantic and a great first dance song for a wedding.”

Bellamy nodded as Octavia and Lincoln stepped out onto the dance floor to do just that.

Bellamy watched them together, listening to the song’s lyrics and wondered why Lincoln never asked Bellamy to marry Octavia sooner. Why he didn’t try proving his love to Octavia or go out of his way to make Bellamy see that he loved her just as much as she loved him, that it wasn’t a fascination, it was pure adoration.

“They really love each other,” he said when the song was over, turning into another, quicker song.

“They do.”

“Do you want to dance?”

“I think it’s frowned upon to _not_ dance to Maroon 5,” Clarke smiled and Bellamy hopes he never sees her frown again, he’s really disliked it’s permanence the last two years.

Bellamy takes her hand and led her out to the dance floor where Raven promptly pulled her into a hug and stole her and Bellamy looked at Zeke for help and they both grabbed their respective women and pulled them into a dance that was mostly just swaying but Bellamy didn’t care, he just wanted to hold his girl.

“We should do this,” Clarke said after the song changed to what sounded like Boyz II Men.

“Do what, dance?”

Clarke pulled back slightly to look at him, “Get married.”

Bellamy scoffed, searching her face for even a hint of a joke. She’s not joking. “You’re serious.”

“Why not? We talked about it years ago, what’s so different now?”

“Nothing, I still want to. When?”

“By my birthday?”

“That’s in four months.”

“Yeah,” she shrugged. “The trilogy is finished, I have nothing else to do.”

“You have the book tour next month.”

“I can work on stuff for our wedding before I leave and do the final touches when I get back. That is if you want to.”

“I’ve had an engagement ring for _years_ , Clarke. I want to.”

She smiled up at him as they swayed along to the song before leaning up and pressing a kiss to his lips. As she was pulling away, trying not to take people’s focus away from Octavia and Lincoln, Bellamy pulled her back in, practically devouring her and she melted into him with a little moan. If he doesn’t pull away now they’re heading to the coat closet.

“Babe, I love you. We don’t have to rush into this, we can take our time.”

“I need _something_. I don’t have a book to write, I don’t have anything to paint, I have the time and I really want to do this with you.”

“Okay,” Bellamy laughed. “Go ahead, just know I’m going to properly propose within the month.”

Clarke nodded, “I’m going to have to wear the ring on the book tour, aren’t I?”

“Absolutely. Oh, there’s a company that wants to buy the film rights.”

“I think it’d be better as a TV series, maybe not primetime top five channels, but HBO or ShowTime, there’s a little too much sex for it to be on regular television.”

“That is true. Teenagers having sex, who’d have thought that that would sell?”

“Your sarcasm needs work,” Clarke smiled as the song ended. “I’m hungry.”

“That’s not news, but yeah, they’re starting to serve food so we should go sit.”

“We might look more in love than the newlyweds.”

* * *

**_18 Months Ago (June):_ **

_“Why haven’t you proposed to Lincoln?” Clarke asked, her eyes on the TV before them, her fingers tapping on the wine glass in her lap. It’s a hot summer day and Clarke and Miller finished editing their novel (Clarke finished the graphic novel insert a month ago) and Bellamy decided to have a barbecue in their backyard to celebrate._

_“Bellamy told you about that?” Octavia scoffed. “I don’t know, it hasn’t felt like the opportune time.”_

_“Yeah, well, sometimes there is no right time.”_

_“That’s not what I meant, he’s working on an exhibit and I... we just have a lot going on and we haven’t talked about it and a big concern of his is Bellamy and him saying that he’s okay with it after finding out about... I just want to talk to Bellamy again when he’s not distraught.”_

_“He’s not.”_

_“Have you looked at him?” Octavia countered. “He’s just as heartbroken as you.”_

_Clarke turned around and looked at him through the kitchen window, laughing with Miller and Lincoln flanking him. “Yeah, he looks like a complete wreck,” she grumbled._

_“Okay, that’s not exactly fair of you. Miller is hilarious.”_

_Clarke smiled, turning back to her friend. “Yeah, he is but not funny haha, funny L.O.L. where a scoff is the more appropriate response.”_

_“So literal, anyway, I’m going to talk to Bell again and then talk to Lincoln, maybe just propose,” she shrugged. “Who knows.”_

_“But you are going to?”_

_“Yes. Definitely,” Octavia said with the utmost certainty. “Not that I exactly want to know this about my brother, but have you two had sex since the procedure? That impacts his mood greatly.”_

_Clarke smirked, “Yeah, I know, we have but it hasn’t been as adventurous as it usually is.”_

_“Yep, I’m out.”_

* * *

Clarke looked around the gorgeous Malibu ranch one last time before calling Bellamy.

“Hey, babe. What’s up?” he answered his cell.

“I need you to come to Malibu.”

Bellamy chuckled, “I’m working.”

“I know, but I can hold the date while I’m here but I can’t guarantee the date I want if I leave and come back with you on the weekend. Come out early and we’ll go to Echo together afterwards.”

“Tempting, but I’m in the meeting. What’s the date?”

“October 20th.”

“You really want to get married in the fall?”

“I really want to marry you as soon as possible.”

“What’s the rush, hon. Seriously, I’m not in a rush. I got you, we’re okay.”

“We’re not okay. We’re better, but we’re not okay.”

“Clarke,” he sighed. “You know marrying me isn’t going to solve what’s going on, right? You’re distracting yourself from everything that’s hurting.”

“Don’t psychoanalyze me, Bellamy. I’m fine and I want to get married on October 20th. Can I put down the deposit without you?”

“Yeah,” he said, voice hoarse and Clarke knew what he was thinking. Hell, she admitted it was an escape from everything her mind’s been torturing her about the last few years, but it’s working, she doesn’t hurt as much when she has something to focus on. She knows it’s not a long term fix, but it’s what she has.

“It’s three grand.”

“You have it, you don’t need my approval, Clarke.”

“This is our wedding, I want your input, I want you to be happy.”

“As long as I’m with you in the end, I’ll be happy.”

“Bellamy…”

It wasn’t that she didn’t know he meant it, but it was one of those lines guys said to get their overbearing woman off their back and Clarke didn’t want to be that burden, she didn’t want to be that couple that got married for all the wrong reasons and got divorced because they weren’t good together.

Bellamy brings out the best in her and she thought she brought out the best in him, but maybe she’s wrong. Maybe she is that burden and maybe she’s been wrong about them for years.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wedding Playlist:  
> Kiss Me - Ed Sheeran  
> She Will Be Loved - Maroon 5  
> IF You Leave Me Now - Charlie Puth & Boyz II Men


	21. Tell Me You Love Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't judge me for my drunk responses in the comments... I shouldn't be allowed near the internet while intoxicated. (I'm also 25, it's legal for me to drink) I was celebrating the fact that my house has actual flooring and internet and I got a little out of control with the tequila pouring for the margaritas. They're delicious!
> 
> I'm sorry that this took so long too, I've had a wisdom tooth situation that hasn't been pleasant and hasn't let me do anything remotely close to thinking but I'm back and this chapter starts the beginning of the end, 2 or 3 more after this one I believe.

Clarke sat in the sun, used to Bellamy opening the umbrella to protect her from the sun, but he wasn’t there and she didn’t know how to work the new contraption he insisted on buying because her skin burned after five minutes in the sun and he preferred her pale over being a tomato.

She couldn’t stop thinking about how he doesn’t want to marry her, how she’s too broken, how he couldn’t love someone who couldn’t bear children. Not that they’ve tried for kids in years… or at all.

“Clarke?” Miller called, shaking her out of her head.

“Hmm?” she blinked up at him.

“It’s time to go.”

She nodded. “Bellamy?”

“No,” he said softly. “I’m sorry.”

Licking her lips, Clarke stood to get in the car to go to the airport for their book tour. They’re starting in New York. “Okay.”

It took Miller until the flight took off to ask her, “What happened?”

“He doesn’t want to marry me,” she said still in disbelief and it's been two weeks since he told her—yelled at her.

“What?” Miller exclaimed as though it was the most ridiculous thing he’s ever heard, but Clarke heard Bellamy correctly, he doesn’t want to marry her.

“It’s what he said.”

“You—that night you two were fighting inside, that’s what it was about?”

“Yeah.”

Miller didn’t say anything and Clarke went back to reading her book. “No. no, I don’t believe that at all.”

“It’s what he said. ‘I don’t want to marry you.’ I couldn’t make that up.”

“And he’s been living in Octavia’s apartment annoying the crap out of them and torturing himself with their newlywed bliss because he doesn’t want the same with you?”

Clarke shrugged. “I don’t want to talk about it. I want to go on this book tour and talk to the studio that’s interested in making it a movie, try talking them into a series instead. I don’t want to talk about him this month, okay?”

Miller nodded, pulling his laptop out of his bag, “Okay.”

They landed at LaGuardia and Clarke breathed in the crisp autumn air, thinking about what she’s going to say tomorrow. What she’ll tell her parents tomorrow when she sees them for dinner the second night of New York press, which was a _lot_. She and Miller were in New York for three insane days doing a full press junket going to every news channel, every late night show that was there and it was going to be fun with Miller involved but still nerve wracking. They’ve done it before, they can handle it.

* * *

_“Clarke, can you stop for the night, please? We’re supposed to be looking at Octavia and Lincoln’s honeymoon photos,” Bellamy said in hushed tones in Octavia’s kitchen._

_“I can’t ask you where you want to honeymoon? We’re getting married in eleven weeks.”_

_“I—“_

_“I think we should go somewhere unexpected, Thailand, Samoa. Oh! Maybe Papua New Guinea!”_

_“Clarke…”_

_“We shouldn’t just honeymoon, we should—“_

_“I don’t want to marry you!” Bellamy spat and immediately looked guilty. “Clarke, I—“_

_She shook her head, it doesn’t matter what he says to justify that because he doesn’t want to marry her. “Whatever you’re about to say to justify that,” she swallowed, pushing back the tears quickly pooling her eyes. “I want you out of my house, I was happy, Bellamy. I was looking forward to the future, a future with you and you don’t want that, so get the_ fuck _out!” Clarke stormed back out into the backyard and plastered the smile on her face for Octavia and Lincoln, genuinely happy for the couple she dreamt of calling family._

_“Are you okay?” Raven whispered in her ear._

_“I don’t want to talk about it,” Clarke said, lifting her eyes up from the photo album to the kitchen window, finding Bellamy bent over the counter before he rolled his shoulders and walked away._

* * *

 

Clarke avoided talking about Bellamy the entire time she was with Abby and Kane, she didn’t want to talk about him and what he said because it stung and the more she talked about it—hell, the more she thought about it—the more it hurt. And the more confused she was.

“Clarke, Nathan, it’s so wonderful to have you two back with us,” Hoda smiled. “How was writing _The Wrath of Gaia_ different than writing _Titans_ and _Mount Olympus?_ ”

“Um,” Clarke started looking to Miller before answering and he nodded. “Well, _Titans_ was my safe haven two and a half years ago and because I had most of that in my head, Nate and I wrote it in four months. He’s a wizard with research and character development so that was a majority of the work that he did with the first one and then we were told to make it a series and I was practically frozen in fear until Miller told me that we can take the story, still based on Atlas, but expand the world from just the Titans in modern day to the Gods and have Mount Olympus be somewhere in America, have them more centered in modern society and America is currently the center of the political world so having them based in Virginia was perfect, especially since it’s where Miller was raised. He was amazing with locations and far better than me at researching.”

“She doesn’t give herself enough credit, all the comics inside are drawn by her. I wouldn’t be able to do that without the people being stick figures. Blake knows how to hire people for their strengths,” Miller said, giving Bellamy his rightful credit and without diving too deep to make Clarke upset with hearing Bellamy’s name.

“Half true, I was his secretary for a year before he even came up with an illustration department and then six months in I came up with this so I wasn’t there much.”

“So you didn’t come out of college with half a novel written, you brought this story to your boss and he brought you two together?”

“More or less, I knew if I wrote by myself the story wouldn’t have been as compelling and well rounded as it is without Nate.”

“What do you say to the people who say you’re biting off more than you can chew with everything that happened in the second novel?”

Clarke knew this was something that was going to be brought up, the second book was a little bit all over the place with the introduction to Cronus and his perspective because he’s essentially the bad guy in every story he’s in, he’s a bad guy and Zeus betrayed him and that was what brought them to the last book.

 “I say they’re not even close to being ready for this finale,” Clarke said with certainly.

Hoda laughed, “Now, what if I told you we have a surprise for you?”

Clarke grimaced, “Nate?”

“No, you. Nate’s in on it.”

“I hate surprises.”

“I think you’ll like this one,” Hoda said and Clarke looked at Miller who looked nervous as a muffled trumpet began playing and a moment later Demi Lovato walked out onto the set with a microphone.

 _“Oh no, here we go again_  
Fighting over what I said  
I'm sorry, yeah I’m sorry  
Bad at love, no, I'm not good at this  
But I can't say I’m innocent  
Not hardly, but I'm sorry”

Bellamy walked out from somewhere and over to Clarke and she stood, about to run because this wasn’t fair. This couldn’t be real, he doesn’t want to marry her. He said it and he doesn’t say things he doesn’t mean. Miller touched her shoulder and she looked at him with pain and confusion and he just smirked.

 _“And all my friends, they know and it's true_  
I don't know who I am without you  
I got it bad, baby  
Got it bad”

“He planned this,” Miller said and Clarke shook her head looking between Bellamy and Miller, Hoda and Demi.

The whole song played out with Bellamy standing in front of her with pleading eyes as she looked at him with hurt written all over her face and Miller, Hoda and Demi, who was singing beautifully, looking nervous and confused.

 _“Everything I need_ __  
Is standing right in front of me  
I know that we will be alright, alright, yeah”

“Thank you, Demi,” Bellamy and Hoda smiled and she nodded, standing there as Bellamy turned back to Clarke and got down on one knee. “Clarke, I have loved you since the moment you walked into my office for an interview with fierce determination. Back then I sucked at showing it and then you ended it all with the biggest epiphany of my life and it changed me as a man.

“I tried winning you back like it was easy, like you were a possession to be won, like a goldfish at a county fair. And you rightly shot me down, reminding me that you’re not one of those girls that used me for my money. You don’t want my money, you’ve given every dollar from these novels to charity to help inner city schools across the country. You want to make a difference more than I do and I love that about you.

“When we first met, I didn’t think love was in the cards for me, I’d essentially given up but then I met you and put in an effort, realizing a lot about myself and my upbringing that I wasn’t aware of and I believe I’m a better man than I was back then. A man who still isn’t worthy of you but will try to be every day for as long as you’ll have me.”

Bellamy sighed and licked his lips, nervously pushing his unruly black curls from his face. “Clarke Griffin, we have had some rough years, but these years with you have proven that we can get through anything together. That’s what I want, I want to go through everything with you, the good and the bad, happiness and sorrow, laughter and anger. I want you and whatever a life with you entails. So, _Princess_ , will you do me the honor of marrying me?” Bellamy opened the ring box and a gorgeous, extravagant ring sat inside and Clarke’s chest was tightening and she was on the spot but she didn’t know what the truth was. Did he or did he not want to marry her? What was the lie?

Clarke sighed, licking her lips and looked to Miller who had a nearly identical expectant look on his face that Bellamy did. All Clarke could do was shake her head as she backed away from Bellamy and ran off the set like the place was on fire.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Go big or go home, Bell! Geez! The boy hired a celebrity to sing on national TV, Clarke, why'd you run away? My heart hurts.
> 
> Sorry this chapter is so short but I wanted a cliff hanger and I'm still settling into my new home while working 50+ hours a week so time hasn't been my friend.
> 
> As always comments, concerns and kudos are always welcome as well as dropping requests or questions over on[Twitter](jbsullivan17)


	22. All That I Want, All That I Need

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been staring at the post button for 20 minutes... here we go...
> 
> This took forever to write and I'm sorry for the wait but there's smut and I think it's hot... ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯ but that's just my opinion.
> 
> Another opinion of mine: JRoth and Tasya saying that Bellarke's relationship is bro/sis... that's just fucking HILARIOUS!

“Are you crazy?” Clarke heard the moment she pressed her phone up to her ear five minutes after arriving at Pier 84.

“Probably,” she admitted, trying to blink back the tears that continued to fall. She didn’t want to know what happened after she left even though she knows she’s going to be a meme and it’s not going to be pretty.

“Clarke, you’ve gushed to me over him for years and he asks you to marry him and you say no?”

“He… two weeks ago he said he didn’t want to marry me. Two weeks and he changes his mind? No, Niylah, that isn’t fair and you know if I said anything about you and Kara you’d say I don’t know her well enough to judge the situation and you’d be right and you don’t know the situation. Him ambushing me like that… how was that fair?”

“I’m sure he was certain you were going to say yes instead of humiliating him like you did. He was devastated, Clarke. I’ve never met the man so I can’t speak for anything before this but the way he looked at you, it was like you’re the ocean and he’s desperate to drown.”

Clarke looked out over the water and sighed, “I don’t know why I did it, I… three weeks ago he said he didn’t want to marry me and now he’s in New York proposing on the Today Show? I don’t know what to take from that. It doesn’t make sense, who changes their mind like that?”

“Do you want kids?”

“That’s not fair, I can’t.”

“But you don’t know that for certain. You had a tough go two years ago when it was ectopic but that doesn’t mean the next time you try is going to go the same way.”

“It doesn’t mean it’s not.”

“No, you’re right, it could, but Clarke, why not try? Why not go through all the trouble for the chance to have the child you’ve always wanted?”

“Because I don’t want my heart ripped out through my vagina again. It’s not something I’d wish on my worst enemy.”

Niylah sighed before going completely silent on her end, “Um, Clarke, we should hang up and you should turn around.”

“What?” Clarke spun around and Bellamy and a camera crew were behind her. “What are you doing here?”

“Miller geo-tracked your phone and—“

“What are they doing here?” She asked pointing at the camera crew.

“They want to know why just like I do.”

“Where was the lie? When you told me that you didn’t want to marry me three weeks ago or just now when you said the opposite? How am I supposed to trust this decision?”

“Because I had this planned since O’s wedding. I’ve always wanted to marry you but the four months you wanted were insane when you wouldn’t even be there for five weeks to make sure it’s all ready. My words came out wrong and I’m sorry.”

Clarke scoffed, “And so you were staying at your sister’s because you couldn’t tell me that?”

“I was staying there because I was going to ruin this if I went back to you. I would have explained and I wanted this to be a surprise.”

“Well, _surprise!_ I ran away because you broke my heart three weeks ago. After everything we’ve been through, this was what you thought was a good idea?”

“I know, I’m sorry. I meant everything I said today and the last three weeks have been hell without you.”

“I’m well aware,” Clarke grimaced. “You can’t doing this to me, not again. It’s all or nothing.”

“All sounds pretty damn good to me,” Bellamy smirked.

“I don’t know if I can give you a family.”

Bellamy shook his head, “All I need is you.”

“I love you and I want nothing more than to marry you,” Clarke smiled and Bellamy closed the gap between them, lifting her into the air with an intense kiss.

“I love you,” he smiled as he put her down and pulled the ring out of his pocket and put it on her finger. It was a simple diamond ring with a white gold band with a few smaller diamonds on it and Clarke knew Bellamy was holding back from what he wanted to buy her because he could, this was her style and that’s what it was about.

“I love you,” Clarke smiled.

* * *

“Princess,” Bellamy smirked and Clarke held back tears, if his proposal made her cry every time she saw it, his vows were bound to make her cry more. “There are a lot of reasons why we shouldn’t be standing here right now. How I treated you when you were first hired, how I detested how you did your job that was more effective than how my last assistants did everything. How my sister forced me to hire you. Countless reasons I’m not going to name in mixed company, and the loss of our baby. And yet… we’re both here, we’re both too damn stubborn to let each other go, to try and find this feeling with anyone else.”

Clarke laughed through her tears.

“I fought and fought against loving you and the more I fought, the less you took my shit until I caved. You are everything I ever wanted and more than I could possibly ever deserve. I love you.”

Clarke smiled and looked to the priest who nodded for her to go. “Bellamy,” she sighed before clearing her throat. “First of all, Octavia, when I was still his secretary, you asked me who he was sleeping with and I lied to you because I thought you’d be pissed that it was me but it was me. Just clearing the air with that.

“Bellamy, you talk about deserve like it’s dealt out and controlled but we make our own destiny. You certainly did, who would have thought an orphan from the outskirts of Compton would become the voice of Young Adult literature while still raising his sister at the young age of twenty-two? That wasn’t predestined, that was all you and your will to have kids be able to find characters and friends who go through the same tough upbringing that you and Octavia had.

“You went from this callous brute of an archaic ruler who wouldn’t let anyone see the heart you had on your sleeve to the kind man standing in front of me right now who will drop everything for your friends, whether you admits they’re your friends is a completely different story though.

“Calling you a callous brute isn’t fair because you are and always have been kind and caring, showing that through your charity instead of your everyday encounters with people. You care so much about those kids and you haven’t even met some of them.”

Clarke bit her lip and smiled. “I think they’re something to be said about always coming back to each other, always seeing the best in each other. This feeling, these emotions that seem so unnameable, it feels like you’re my other half, the one person who could hurt me more than anyone else. A soulmate, not that I believe in them, but that’s the closest I can get to describing the immense connection we have to each other. I love you, Bellamy Blake and I cannot wait to spend the rest of my life with you.”

Bellamy pulled her in to kiss her when the priest stopped him by clearing his throat. “By the power vested in me by the state of California, I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may now kiss the bride,” he said, shaking his head as Bellamy practically devoured Clarke in front of their closest friends and family.

Clarke pulled away, flushing a deep red at Bellamy’s eagerness as everyone clapped for them. She couldn’t wait to spend her life with him. They’ll figure everything out and they have Echo for when they can’t.

* * *

After the reception, Clarke practically collapsed on the hotel’s bed, watching Bellamy slowly strip the tuxedo’s jacket off. His hair was perfectly tousled, Clarke loaned him her hair stylist because something had to be done for their wedding but not too much because she loved his hair, it just needed some managing. She still couldn’t figure out how she’d gotten so lucky.

“What are you looking at, Princess?” he asked, his back to her.

“My sexy husband,” she smiled and Bellamy turned around.

“You’re married?”

“Mm, it’s fairly new, I don’t know how I feel about it yet.”

“Huh, and how do you feel about fucking a married man?”

“Ryan Reynolds or Tom Hardy? This is LA, Mr. Blake, anything is possible.”

Bellamy chuckled, leaning over her. “You’re just going to have to settle for me, Mrs. Blake.”

“You are better,” Clarke smirked wrapping her arms around his neck to pull him down for a kiss.

“Babe, I have an idea.”

“You always have an idea,” she smirked. “Just remember this is our wedding night.”

“Mmm, I know, you look absolutely amazing. I’ve wanted to tear this off you all afternoon. I should be rewarded for my impeccable restraint.”

Clarke chuckled, “Is that what we’re calling it these days? Your lack of exhibitionism is ‘impeccable restraint’ now?”

“You tease and mock but you are all mine. I’m not sharing your body with the rest of the world.”

“Oh, but we’re sharing our wedding with all of the _Today Show_ ’s viewers. I see how it is.”

“You know what? Mistakes were made but we’re here and happy that today was perfect.”

“Far from but it was one to remember. Did I or did I not tell you to write your vows and not go by the seat of your pants? You made me go off script too because you deserve the world and I’m going to remind you of that every chance I get. Like it or not, it’s my job now.”

“I don’t like that. Can we get back to me ravishing my new wife now?”

“If you must. I hear she’s hard to please.”

Bellamy laughed, dropping his head to her shoulder. “Yeah, you are but I love it and I’m hoping my idea aids you. Now can we get you out of this monstrosity please?”

“Yes. You know my mom is going to come pick this up in the morning so we can’t completely trash the room.”

“Yeah, I really want to think about your mom right now,” Bellamy grimaced, standing up and pulling her up with him.

“Unintentional, just reminding you,” she turned her back to him to unzip the back of the dress, knowing he’ll practically drool at the sight of her in the bustier and thong she picked out for this momentous occasion.

After he pulled the zipper down, Clarke spun around and, lookin him in the eyes, pushed him a step back before she let the lace and tulle pool at her feet as her eyes dared Bellamy’s to look down at her.

He did and he bit his lip hard. “Fuck, Princess. You’ve had that on all day and didn’t give me a peek?”

“I did contemplate riding you on the drive over to the reception but I figured you wouldn’t want to risk our driver seeing.”

“Damn right,” he growled against her throat. “You’re mine.”

Clarke whimpered.

Bellamy smirked before switching their positions so his back is to the bed and he’s seeing the bustier and thong from both angles and groaned before spinning her around and began unclasping and tying the bustier, he loves how she looks in it but he wants tonight to be a night she remembers.

As his hands moved down her spine he leaned in, grazing the shell of her ear and looked at her in the mirror, their eyes connecting. “Watch me.”

“I always watch you,” she said, eyes filled with anticipation.

“I know, but you are going to watch _everything_ right here,” he said, finishing with the clasps and slapped her ass.

She jumped, “ _Oh_ … yeah, I can _definitely_ do that.” She licked her lips.

“You good?” he asked, wondering what exactly that face meant.

“Yes, Mr. Blake, I’m excited and I love you.”

Bellamy kissed her cheek and pulled her thong down her thighs. “You’re gorgeous, baby.”

Clarke smiled as his hands trailed back up her legs and waist, cupping her breasts, he twisted and pulled at her taught, pliant nipples before one hand ventured to her cunt and she was so wet for him he growled, taking her earlobe between his teeth.

They’d barely started and it’s too much and for him that’s saying something. Watching his fingers felt like watching someone else, he knew his hands were on his wife and he’s the one doing it but it was all so surreal and out of body.

“God, I love your hands but—but I really want to fuck you.”

“Are you watching?” he growled, feeling how soaked she is, how he’s doing this for her, how she’s been wanting this all day like he has. “Mm,” she responded and he looked at her face for the first time and she looked utterly wrecked as her hips ground against his fingers.

“I need more.”

Bellamy smirked. Of course she does, greedy Princess. He released her breast and unbuttoned his pants one-handed, lifting her up from his lap momentarily, his fingers still working on her as he pulled his pants down.

He stroked himself twice before positioning her and himself perfectly, bringing her down engulfing him.

Neither of them lasted long, watching themselves in the mirror, Bellamy coming hard and fast inside her and Clarke collapsed back against his chest and he laid back, wrapping his arms around her waist.

“That was amazingly different,” Clarke sighed and Bellamy smiled, glad she enjoyed it too. “I wouldn’t want to do this all the time but when we’re looking for something different, a little more freeing, I’d go for this again.”

“Yeah?” Bellamy asked, trying to hide his surprise by kissing her hair.

“Yeah.” She rolled off him and looked at him. “Let me know when you’re ready for more.”

“Aren’t you going to clean up?”

She shrugged with a sly smile, “Whatever happens, happens.”

* * *

**3 Years Later:**

Since she finished writing the Titans trilogy, Clarke had been working with some authors on graphic novel versions of their novels to expand the fan base and spending her spare time working with Murphy, and now Emori, at Blake not-for-profit, she did more of the hands on with the kids and teens, she’s been a part of every aspect of the writing process and it’s nice to give advice and let them know what’s in store for them if they do get through the door of a publishing house. She spent a lot of time teaching art classes and trying to find the right medium for each student, some were better suited switching over to Octavia’s MMA classes or Miller’s writing class.

She loved it, she loved knowing that she could make a difference in children’s lives and help them find their passion. She knew she was only helping children in East LA, Bellamy still trying to expand just his not-for-profit to New York, without moving half of his company or expanding, he loves publishing, but his focus has shifted to the more compassionate side of his professional life.

They were happy, mostly, Clarke still had her moments when talking to a child that was the age of their unborn child and Bellamy still needed to go to Echo over his past abuse and rougher tendencies, he tried Octavia’s MMA class and it was counterproductive to say the least.

It was like a shockwave, taking over her body when she saw Madi on the side of the road begging for change or food, clothes holey and caked with mud, hair intricately woven into a mess of a bird’s nest, and no shoes.

Clarke told her to get in the car and they’ll deal with the legal aspect of everything in the morning, she wasn’t going to let a six year old live on the streets alone.

Bellamy walked in the door that night and froze at the sight of Clarke and Madi playing Go Fish in the living room of their house.

“Hi,” Bellamy said, though it sounded more like a question.

“Hey,” Clarke smiled looking over her head at him. “This is Madi. Madi, this is my husband, Bellamy.”

Madi smiled sheepishly, “I recognize you from the pictures.”

Clarke smiled and looked at the clock, it’s quarter past eight. “Madi, it’s getting late, why don’t you get ready for bed and I’ll read you a story in a minute.”

Madi nodded and headed toward the bathroom.

“She reminds me of O at that age,” Bellamy noted sternly and Clarke squared her shoulders. “She turns six in at the end of August,” she told him and Bellamy sighed.

“Okay,” he nodded, I’ll deal with the legalities in the morning. “I love you.”

“I love you too. Thank you, Bell.”

“My Princess always gets what she wants,” Bellamy joked and kissed her sweetly.

A few months later they told Madi they were adopting her unless she didn’t want to be a big sister, Clarke showing Bellamy and Madi the fourteen week ultrasound, making it twice as long as last time before telling anyone. Bellamy was ecstatic of course and Madi was excited to become a sister.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, this is the second to last chapter.  
> Yes, I have other Bellarke projects in the works.  
> Yes, I am planning on finishing some that are half posted.  
> Yes, I have one that I am currently obsessed with that has taken over my life and I’m contemplating making it an actual novel instead of Bellarke FF.
> 
> As always, comments, kudos, complaints... throw them at me.


	23. Live Like A Dream

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The oil paint incident actually happened to me years ago but with purple and it turned my highlights fuchsia for a week… my nod to Clarke’s current hairstyle…

**9 Years Later:**

Clarke tried washing the stubborn red oil paint out of her hair in the kitchen sink when she heard feet stomping down the stairs and a sob before her legs were slammed into the cabinets.

“Levi?” she asked in her warning voice that reminded her a little too much of Abby.

“I didn’t mean to! I was just going to ask him about my field trip and I knocked over the clock and… and it was an accident!”

Clarke turned around now that Levi let go of her thighs and got down to his eye level, “You know better than to bother your father while he’s working, it couldn’t have waited until dinner?”

“It’s to the museum, I thought he’d want to chaperone!”

“And it could have waited until dinner like your mother said,” Bellamy said walking into the room. “I’d love to chaperone,” he smiled before pressing a kiss to Clarke’s lips. “When did you get home?”

“Five minutes ago, I brought Chinese. No one told me I had paint in my hair the entire afternoon so I’m afraid you’re going to have to deal with this red streak until it washes out.”

Bellamy’s eyes sparkled a little. “It totally works for you. Wasn’t there a Halloween in college where you wore a long red wig and you were some death eater?”

“Wow, you’re senile now? That’s Harry Potter and I was the Commander of Death from one of Jasper’s post apocalyptic video games.”

“Am I still in trouble?” Levi asked sheepishly.

“Oh, you’re still in trouble. Go get your sisters for dinner,” Bellamy told him and Levi ran out of the kitchen and upstairs before Bellamy could say anything more.

“They’re home?” Clarke grimaced, why was the house so quiet if they’re both upstairs in their room?

“That’s part one of your surprise. You’ll see after dinner.”

“Okay.”

Clarke wasn’t too big on surprises, but Bellamy loved them so she’d gotten used to them over the years. Their lives weren’t easy or picture perfect, Bellamy still went and saw Echo twice a month and sometimes there were emergencies in between but there weren’t many, Clarke strategically told him she was pregnant the day before he had an appointment scheduled. He still scheduled her conventions and exhibits so they weren’t a shock to him and that was work, he’s better with work related issues. Their life was a different story, Levi just turned eight and Bellamy barely slept the first month after he was born. Even had Miller’s dad do a background check on all his school friends’ family members and hired private investigators to follow them in case the background checks were wrong about them being clean. He was paranoid and rightfully so after everything he’s been through. Clarke is trying to have Echo teach him that he can’t protect his children from everything, that bad things can happen anywhere and in different ways, not just people they know.

Clarke leaned up and kissed her husband, deepening it when she didn’t hear their kids, they haven’t had sex in a while and she was jonesing for him.

“Gross. I’m going to Kristen’s house after dinner,” Madi said walking into the kitchen, her head in her phone.

“Who’s Kristen?” Bellamy asked and Clarke smiled at him, patting his chest when she pulled away.

“My girlfriend,” Madi told him as though it were obvious. “I told Clarke about her, I thought you knew.”

“Madi has a girlfriend!” Kyra sang skipping into the room, Levi rolling his eyes behind her.

“Shut up, Kyra!”

“You shut up!”

“This,” Clarke pointed out to Bellamy with a smile. “This is what I love coming home to.”

“Deafening arguments over nothing?”

“It’s not nothing, it has never been _nothing!”_ Madi exclaimed. “I’m gay and she makes fun of it! How is that nothing?”

“It’s not,” Clarke agreed. “You’re allowed to love whomever you want to love, Madi, that doesn’t change that we love you. Kyra doesn’t know what that means yet so don’t take it to heart, okay?”

“Why can’t you just support me and not try to get me to accept her feelings when she’s hurting mine? It’s not okay!”

“You’re right, it’s not. Have you tried telling her that?”

Madi rolled her eyes like it was obvious, “It just makes her do it more!”

“Kyra,” Bellamy called and the nearly seven year old whipped her blonde hair around and gave him this look of pure innocence like what her older sister was saying was a total lie.

“Yes, Daddy?”

“Has Madi asked you to stop making fun of her having a girlfriend?”

“No.”

“Kyra?” he asked again, a little softer and Clarke never understood how when he got softer with their children that they were honest with him.

“Fine! It’s not like she doesn’t make fun of my blonde hair or that I don’t get her homework!”

“You’re six and annoy me when I’m doing homework that I barely understand myself so having you pester me about it doesn’t help me!” Madi defended herself and Clarke saw her point, Madi would ask for help with her math homework and it doesn’t even look like math to her.

“Blonde?” Clarke asked.

“The blonde doesn’t match her skin tone,” she said as though it were obvious.

“You are the big sister, Madi, you are supposed to set an example, not be the problem.”

“I didn’t ask to be a big sister. You adopted me and forced me into the role.”

Clarke sighed, “I was pregnant when we adopted you, you could have said no.”

“And been thrown back into a group home? No thanks.”

“Clarke’s point,” Bellamy said, lifting Kyra onto his hip. “Is that you had a choice and you chose to stay with us permanently with everything that comes with that, being a big sister was a responsibility you chose and you can’t renege on that decision. Anyway, both of you apologize because I have a surprise for your mother planned and we’re running behind schedule.”

“And you know how your father gets when we’re running late,” Clarke quipped and Bellamy glared.

“I’m sorry,” they said at the same time and without feeling but you pick and choose your battles and this wasn’t one to choose.

“Thank you,” Bellamy said. “And Madi, I know you want to go to Kristen’s after dinner but you said you were going to stay home tonight.”

Madi huffed, “Can I have her over?”

“Will you stay downstairs?”

The teenager grimaced, “Fine, I’ll be here.”

“Wait, we’re not staying home?” Clarke asked Bellamy who glared at Madi like she were a traitor.

“No, we’re going out.”

“Bellamy—“

“Octavia and Niylah are down the street if they need anything.”

Clarke opened her mouth to say something but stopped when she saw the look on Bellamy’s face. Nodding she turned to the bag of Chinese food and dispersed the food between their family.

After the near silent dinner with everyone annoyed to some extent at another, Kyra and Levi went upstairs and Madi settled in on the couch as Bellamy grabbed something from their room.

“Do you want to tell me what’s bugging you now or later?” Clarke asked sitting next to Madi.

“Neither,” Madi grimaced.

“Is it what Kyra said?”

“Maybe, it’s difficult to navigate school with this target on my back, like I choose to be a glutton for mocking and avoidance. Do you remember Sarah?”

“Your best friend from elementary school, yeah?”

“She started a rumor that I touched her back then and it’s why we’re not friends. She stopped talking to me when she grew boobs and guys were giving her attention. I still thought Nick Jonas was cute back then!”

“I mean he is and he was,” Clarke smiled. “What did your friends say when they heard it?”

“Kristen shut it down but everyone else hasn’t really talked to me. It’s not true.”

Clarke nodded, “I know. Bellamy and I tried teaching you right from wrong in the short time before first grade. We know we instilled the right values within you.”

Madi nodded, “It’s just rough right now. I’m a jock and a lesbian, I’m a stereotype and they use it against me. Add the adoption on top of it and I’m a walking dartboard.”

“Why didn’t you tell me any of this before?”

“Because you were always away at conventions.”

“It’s a weekend a month and I’ve never missed a game,” Clarke countered, she’s there for her kids. She just has to work weird event dates too.

“Can I go to one with you?”

“Can you read my book first?”

“I already have.”

Clarke blinked, “What?”

“Four years ago, before the movie was dropped from production.”

Clarke smiled, completely stunned that Madi took any interest in it. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I don’t want it to be a thing like you’re making it now. I love you, you’re my mom, I just wanted to know if you really thought I was normal, I was starting to look at Selena Gomez and Demi Lovato instead of Nick Jonas and I was scared and they said the Titans trilogy was very inclusive and it helped me come out to you guys.”

“I’m pretty sure you never came out to us, you just walked in the door with Kristin and said ‘This is Kristin, she’s my girlfriend. We’ve kissed and it’s going to continue happening.’ I’m glad you felt comfortable enough to tell us but I kind of feel jipped for not being able to talk about it with you. You were so certain about it and didn’t seem to care about what we thought so we never talked about it. I’m here to talk about it if you do.”

“The book, the author’s biography in the back, it says you’re bisexual. I just didn’t think it would be a big deal to you. I mean, Bellamy—Dad—is okay with it too, right?”

“Uncle Miller was his best friend from long before I met him, they were roommates in college and Octavia is pansexual, I think he’s accepted sexual fluidity in the people around him,” Clarke smirked.

“Yeah, but I’m his…”

“Daughter,” Clarke offered, she knew it wasn’t going to be easy with Madi joining the family when she was pregnant with Levi, but Clarke didn’t think it’d be so difficult to say the words after nine years. “I think he’s just glad that he doesn’t have to worry as much about every penis in the world. That’s the difference between raising sons and daughters; boys you just have to worry about _their_ penis impregnating women, but daughters… we have to worry about every single penis in the world getting her pregnant.

“Madi, I’m not saying that he and I still don’t worry about that, of course we do. There are patriarchal assholes that believe they can force themselves on you and it’ll cure you of being gay, but that’s not it works. If one day, down the line, you’re with a man or someone whose transgender, we’re not going to judge you or demand you give us a label. You’re Madi Blake and your happiness is what matters to us, always.”

Madi nodded, hugging Clarke tightly and after a moment they heard a deep throat clear.

“Are my girls okay?” Bellamy asked stepping into the room.

“Yeah,” Madi smirked, pulling away from Clarke with a smile on. “You two have a good night tonight, okay? I got the kids.”

Bellamy nodded, “Octavia and Niylah are home tonight with Ethan so if you need anything—“

“Call them. I got it, you can trust me.”

“We trust you,” Clarke said quickly before Bellamy could disagree. She kissed Madi’s temple before standing and calling up to Levi and Kyra to come say goodbye to her and Bellamy. She doesn’t know what Bellamy has in store so she’s preparing for anything and everything.

Kissing their kids goodbye, Clarke and Bellamy got into their Escalade, traded in the Bentley years ago for a safer, family friendly car. As Bellamy drove, Clarke began to recognize where they were going. West Hollywood. The last time they were there was their wedding night.

“Bellamy,” she said softly, not wanting to make assumptions, though she really wanted to.

“I decided against the blindfold. I’m regretting that now,” he smirked, placing his hand on her knee.

“We could have gone to the Holiday Inn.”

“No, we can’t. We’re going to La Peer, we’re going to be in room 317 and we’re going to have a relaxing night, just the two of us. No worrying about the kids, no phones, Madi has specific instructions to only call O and Niylah, O and Niylah will call the hotel if anyone is in the hospital in which our room’s phone will ring and we will go. No worrying unless that phone rings, okay.”

“Have you met me?”

“Thankfully I have. I also brought a relaxation kit for you.”

Clarke smirked. “I will try my best.”

Once in the hotel room, Clarke collapsed on the California king bed, ruining the rose petal heart design Bellamy requested, recreating their wedding night, letting Bellamy set up the little relaxation kit that included more vanilla candles than Clarke knew what to do with.

She closed her eyes, the mattress of this bed was relaxing all on it’s own, her mind racing through her conversation with Madi, worrying about her, but she wasn’t worried about any of the kids going to the hospital. That was a start.

“Did you fall asleep on me already?” Bellamy asked walking back into the room from the bathroom where he disappeared to a minute earlier, his arms full of candles.

“Mm,” Clarke moaned. “This bed is amazing.”

“If you stay awake long enough, what we’re going to do on this bed will be pretty amazing too,” he said before pressing his mouth against her neck, startling her, but she giggled.

“I would like that,” she admitted, opening her eyes to find Bellamy hovering above her. “You know, this is how we got Kyra.”

“I’m pretty sure we haven’t done this before.”

“I’d been daydreaming and you said something and I opened my eyes and you were right here. I’m still that horny for you.”

“Wow, what a way with words you have. I’m swooning,” Bellamy teased, nipping her jaw.

“You brought me here for sex, but you’re trying to work up to it, it’s cute and unnecessary. I want to fuck you, it’s my default. I may hate you and want to strangle you some days, but I’d still fuck you.”

“God, how the hell did you get a book deal? You have a horrible way with words.”

“That’s what Miller was for.”

“Oh, yeah, bring him up, really get me going,” Bellamy laughed and Clarke pulled him down into a hot, messy, needy kiss that he practically melted into.

“We should do this more often. The no kids part, maybe not the hotel room part. I like our home,” she said and Bellamy growled, locking his arms around her and lifted her into the air, carrying her into the bathroom where he placed her on the counter and she saw the fizzy bath bombs on the edge of the already filling tub. “Bath bombs?” she smirked.

“Shush, I’ve missed them,” he smirked, kissing her nose before lifting her shirt over her head. “I’ve missed how you smell with them and I keep thinking about that night all those years ago. When you first called me Bellamy.” He yanked his shirt off. “I never told you how it made me feel, mostly because I was scared. I was your boss, you’re the best sex of my life and losing that by getting emotional wasn’t an option.”

“Did you love me?” she asked, her fingers at his waistband, undoing the button and zipper. She’s not the only one that’s going to enjoy this bath.

“I’ve loved you since I took you out to dinner after your first week of work.”

Her eyes went back to his face, locking with his own as his fingers pulled her leggings and panties over her ass and down her thighs. “You never said.”

“Because I was an emotionally stunted asshole back then.”

Clarke laughed, “That’s very true.”

Bellamy kicked off his jeans and boxers before lifting Clarke back into his arms, taking her across the large bathroom to the tub where he placed her on the edge and dropped a bath bomb into the water before shutting the faucet off.

“Hop in,” he smiled at her.

“You first,” she smiled, ogling him and his half-hard cock, salivating at the thought of getting her mouth on him.

“I know that look, babe, you can suck my cock later.”

“Wow, we’ve become that couple that predicts what the other wants. If you get in first, I will be compliant with whatever you want to do to me.”

Bellamy stepped into the tub without complaint, sitting with his legs spread, awaiting her as she climbed in pushing his legs together with her ankles before dropping to her knees, straddling him.

“Princess,” he warned. “This is to help you to relax.”

“A good dose of vitamin D does that for me too,” she smirked and Bellamy shook his head at her ridiculousness. “I love you.”

“I love you too.”

Clarke leaned down and kissed him, hot, tongue, languid, as she trailed her hands down his chest and abdomen, wrapping her hand around his cock, stroking until it was fully erect before adjusting her position over him to sink down and take him in fully with a gasp/sigh that made Bellamy’s hands tighten on her hips. He responds to her sounds just as much as she responds to his praises and demands.

A moment before she came, Bellamy pulled the plug from the drain and Clarke cried out as the water dropped around them. He carried her over to the shower where they rinsed the remnants off while Bellamy’s fingers kept her dripping, causing her to come twice before he shut the water off and carried her to the bed. She wondered if he was going to let her walk anywhere again or just carry her.

Her body wasn’t what it used to be, she had two children, one natural birth and a traumatic C-section, she has some extra weight from when they started and Bellamy has never complained about it, showed her stomach and thicker thighs extra love. He knew what she’s been through and saw that she worked out when she could between graphic novels and rushing their kids around to their extracurricular activities when she’s not at conventions for the books and television show adaptation, she’s been a big part of keeping the world her own even though it’s expanded, and the graphic novels she’s illustrated.

Bellamy pushed into her once they got to the bed and Clarke sighed, she let all her worries and inhibitions go, let the wave of euphoria take her wherever she was meant to go and with Bellamy, she came more times than she knew was possible. She had the irresistible urge to suck his cock and she knew better than to tell him because when he gets like this, giving more than receiving, he won’t let himself come until she does countless times. She’s felt him back off from his own release too many times already tonight, he needs it more than she does at this point so she flipped them over, riding him a little more, letting his guard come down before she let him slip out of her and she crawled down, quickly wrapping her mouth around him, tasting herself on him and she wanted to savor it, but she knew better because if she took her time he’d take back control and she couldn’t have that. She sucked him hard and fast, hollowing her cheeks, taking him deeper and deeper, breathing through her nose as her head bobbed. Vaguely hearing his praises as she took his shaft in her hand and sucked and lapped at his balls, finally hearing Bellamy’s words telling her that he’s going to come and she wrapped her lips back around his head and sucked, rolling her tongue against the underside of his shaft until she felt him spill out onto her tongue, savoring the flavor before swallowing it down as Bellamy pulled her up his body for a filthy, musky kiss.

“Is it selfish that I want another baby?” he asked sometime later after basking in the afterglow.

“That’s not what tonight was about, right?”

“No, I was just thinking about it. Would you want to have another baby?”

“I’m up to discussing it and what it would mean and do to the household. What about adoption?”

“You think we’re going to win that lottery again? Madi’s the best thing to have walked into our lives.”

“I feel like we should tell her why we feel so strongly about her, what we lost and found with her.”

“I think she’ll feel like a replacement and that’s not how I see her. She’s our daughter that just so happens to share the same birth month and year as the due date of the baby we lost. I don’t think she’ll appreciate knowing that,” Bellamy said and Clarke knew he was right. Madi wasn’t a replacement, she was their daughter and though she doesn’t know everything about them and why they wanted her initially, those reasons have changed over the years and she has become the best decision they’ve made.

Clarke fell asleep thinking about having another kid, going through the hell that was Kyra’s birth again, wondering if Bellamy could deal with their three crazy, perfect children and a newborn on his own if something happened to her. She couldn’t shake the thought out of her head four months later when she read the positive pregnancy test. They’re going to be okay, they already are and nothing happens when she gives birth to a blonde headed boy except for spraining Bellamy’s hand squeezing it so tightly as she pushed with everything she had. Lincoln Augustus Blake was okay and Clarke smiled as Octavia cried holding her nephew named after her late husband for the first time. It was Bellamy’s idea since Octavia wasn’t going to have any kids now that he was gone. She wanted them with him and she has Ethan with Niylah and they seem happy. If he winds up being Octavia’s favorite, no one could blame her for it.

Clarke has Bellamy and their family, which might eventually involve a dog, and that was more than enough to make her happy for the rest of her life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A feel good ending for a roller coaster of a story? Who am I?


End file.
